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Comment by Gail Richardson on September 22, 2009 at 4:56pm

Comment by Gail Richardson on September 22, 2009 at 4:49pm

Janice and Tracie - the fatigue you are feeling is part of the grief, which is an actual physical pain. It's also part of the depression you are so understandably going through right now. Try some healing herbal remedies before you start heading towards the antidepressants - St Johns Wort can help, I don't know if you have any natural health practioners where you live - but they can prescribe a herbal tonic which can really help to 'liven you up'.
I did use antidepressants for a while and they did help to take the edge off but they are not good long term.
Have a word with your doctor - hope this helps
Gail x

Comment by Gail Richardson on September 22, 2009 at 4:42pm

Hi Janice - I can so understand everything you say and I'm so sorry that your little Jessy had so many problems. I know only too well that dread of opening the bedroom door in the mornings for fear of what might have happened. I found that after Meshael died I was left with such a huge hole in my life - everything had been for her. I don't have other children and I separated from her Dad when she was 18 months old. We had such a close and wonderfully loving relationship and I'd spent many hours pouring over medical journals, talking to other families, forming a parent group and organising meetings.... suddenly there was nothing left for me to do. As well as the shock and despair of losing her I also felt there was no reason for me to be here. Fortunately, I started talking to another Mum who lost her son just 6 months before Meshael died. It was such a relief to be able to pour my heart out and be understood.
I went back to work as soon as I was able and found that the routine of the office helped considerably, it was going home that was the problem - I didn't want to be there but had nowhere else to go. In the end, one of my very good friends persuaded me to get a new puppy - that gave me a reason to come home and gradually bit by bit, step by step and day by day I found a new purpose. i kept on with the family group for a while but recently found it too much to deal with so have opted out, at least for now. I also took all my learned experience and became a foster carer - which helped me to feel useful and needed again. I now have a wonderful new daughter - whilst she will never replace what I have lost, she goes a long way to making my life worthwhile again.
We have to reinvent ourselves - nothing that was normal to us is there anymore, we have to find a way to find a new normal. No easy task but not an impossible one.
I think one of the hardest things to see is how everyone carries on with their lives as if nothing has happened - you want to scream at people 'hey, don't you know I lost my child?' As much as they have to understand us - we have to understand them too, they don't have any idea of how we are feeling.
I do believe in after-life. I do believe that our Angels are around us always and this faith keeps me going because I know that, when it is my time to leave, all those I have lost will be waiting for me.
Meshael means the Eternal Light - so I cannot believe that death has extinguished that beautiful flame forever.
Be gentle with yourself Janice, you've done all you could to make sure that Jessy had the most wonderful life imaginable whilst she was here - and her love for you will shine through those dark clouds and comfort you when you need it most.
Sending you a billion hugs
Gail x

Comment by Stephanie on September 22, 2009 at 3:36pm

hi tracie. i dont wish this fatigue upon anyone, but i am relieved that SOMEone understands!! and yes, absolutely, you cant explain it. its almost as if you've taken an entire pharmacy of drugs, but you havent. but nothing, NOTHING, can keep your eyes open. so what do you do when you just HAVE to sleep, what about the other kids?

Comment by Stephanie on September 22, 2009 at 3:34pm

hi gail, ive never heard of fanconi anaemia. i am so sorry for your loss. i also havent heard the name meshael before, it is beautiful. so you know what its like, not only living in and out of hospitals, but KNOWING that your little angel is not going to be with you forever. i dont know how i lived with the constant fear that "today" might be the day that jessy dies. there were complications at birth and jessy suffered lack of oxygen, and she had cerebral palsy, along with many complications, that i never would have IMAGINED that accompanied her condition. no-one would have known when she was a baby, but it was sore. she had a bad seizure disorder, optic atrophy so she could only see a little, and chronic lung and pneumonia problems. the prognoses were awful. but through all the suffering and painful times, i focussed on love love love, and we built such a close and intense relationship of laughter and fun, and it was just amazing, i wish i could explain. what a love. and now she is gone. and i am so sad, so depressed. and i am so traumatised from living with the daily fear that her time might have come. i lived in fear, in love, in passion for her, in horror, in aching, in adoring. oh im sorry for rambling on..... thank you for listening. love jan

Comment by tracie parker on September 21, 2009 at 7:29pm

Let me please say that My Heart truely goes out to all of you , and especially the ones who have lost children.

Comment by tracie parker on September 21, 2009 at 7:27pm

Janice, I so know what you mean about the fatigue...I too am experiencing it. I feel not only mentally fatigued , my brain can not even operate to do my daily tasks that I normally did without thinking. And my body, is ready to go back to bed as soon as I get up. It is undescribable almost. I dont even know how I would begin to tell a doctor how servere my tiredness is. Because just like when describing Heaven , to us there are really no earthly words that would begin to describe such a glorious place, thats how my mental and physical fatigue is now there are just no words to describe. I know I have to go on because a husband and 3 more children depend on me, ...but I almost feel like at times I JUST CANT GO ON. I just keep praying and trying to make it one day at a time, telling myself I am getting to one day closer to Heaven, where my family will be reunited.

Comment by Gail Richardson on September 21, 2009 at 4:59pm

Janice - Meshael was two days off her 15th birthday when she passed over - she was diagnosed with Fanconi Anaemia when she was 5 - the doctors told me not to expect her live past 11 so I think we were pretty lucky to get a few more years. I suppose knowing that you won't have infinity in front of you, you try to pack so much living into what time you have with your children. It doesn't make it any easier when that dreadful time comes though. I am fine to talk about Meshael and would love to hear more about Jessy - so please go ahead and share her, I love to get to know all our Angels ((hugzzz))

Comment by Stephanie on September 21, 2009 at 4:47pm

thank you gail, for your most kind sharing, im so sorry about your daughter too, and thank you karen. i would like to share more about jessy, it would really help me. if it wouldnt be too much for you. gail, how old was your daughter?

Comment by Kar on September 20, 2009 at 9:37pm

Melissa & Tracie -
So So So Sorry about your children. Sending you so much love, support, and understanding. ((( HUGS )))

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