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Comment by Jill E on October 15, 2015 at 9:58pm

Sandy- moving was good for me. I think it will be good for you too, new things to learn and explore-keeps your mind busy. That is my main goal keep my mind busy so I don't have time to think. It was a big change but my doctor supported my decision. I just knew I couldn't live in Sacramento, across the hall from Josh's old room, blocks from his high school and his first job...I know I could not have been able to stand it. I have all he memories of my Josh right here with me. That is what is important. Just because I have moved the pain and agony is no less. I have ventured out (with help from my husband) and found a beading store that has classes. I actually have been going, such an accomplishment. I live 15 minutes from one of the most beautiful and magical places I have ever seen, Sedona, but it is hard to really see the beauty when your heart is so very heavy. Maybe someday I will look at those amazing red rocks and "see" the beauty. Hugs to all. WYWH my Joshie

Comment by Connie K on October 15, 2015 at 5:51pm

Jill - that is really good news that your daughter-in-law contacted you. Maybe she just needed the time to deal. In any case, I pray that you get some closure there at least. And BRAVO for Derek!!!! Hope the paper realizes their loss even though it may have seemed like one to Derek, his true talents shone through. That is just awesome and hope it will give him the confidence to succeed.

Sandy, I know how hard this month is for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. It makes me mad that time keeps passing and it gets farther away from when we've saw them last.Hugs to all

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on October 15, 2015 at 11:41am

Hey everybody, WOW Jill! I can't believe she reached out to you now and is going to send some of his things to you, I'm sure it will be very hard to get them, but I'm so glad she is doing it.  When my ex brought over my son's things I sat on the floor with them and cryed to think that is what is left. Haven't been here much, been having a really hard time just trying to make it through the days. My year mark is October 27th and leading up to it is just horrible. To think that my baby has been gone this long makes me sick. The pain is all consuming, I miss him so much. I want my happy beautiful blond little boy back.  Beating myself up with the "what ifs" and if only I did more.  Some days it all feels like too much.  My daughter said to me "it's not normal to be so sad" what????? Even the siblings can't understand the mother's pain. I miss him so damn much.

Jill, that is great that he won awards at the newspaper, that is ridiculous they wanted him to just learn graphic design.  It's a big process. As you moved to AZ, we are in the process of planning to move to Mesa next May and I can't wait, my daughter will still be here but it's only 6 hours away driving and at least everyday I won't be in the area where he grew up with all the reminders. 

Why him, why not somebody else, I can never understand why he could ever choose heroin. He would scream at me "I am not a drug addict" he didn't want to be and he wasn't for very long, he was so smart and so witty and so handsome.  My heart is breaking more every day.  Thanks for being here... hugs and love

Comment by Jill E on October 14, 2015 at 11:42pm

Just 2 updates to those who have followed so many of my trials. Derek my youngest son who has learning disabilities was going to be let go if did not learn design. Found out today that he won 2 awards for his newspaper writing during his time at the newspaper were his boss was such a jerk. Thank you for letting me share about Derek, Josh's younger brother as I don't have many I can talk to so it feels good here and I appreciate it so, so much.
Now my daughter-in-law that has caused me so much pain asked me for my address "and that is all" (not sure what she meant by that-maybe she thought I would give her a piece of my mind) well she is finally ready to go through Josh's things and is going to send me some. I am happy as I will get to give his brother some items and then keep the rest for him later. Frightened about my reaction when I get Josh's belongings. I want to feel him, be close to him and yet it brings out that reality thing, the pain, and hurt and all those "what ifs". I am so scared.

Comment by Jill E on October 14, 2015 at 11:24pm

Connie- you are an amazing woman with so much insight, a talent for putting feelings into words. For this I thank you. I sometimes stay away from this site, I guess it makes me face the truth. At the same time it is my comfort. It is where others know how you feel without saying anything, where you can feel the warmth, the hugs, where the love shared here is immeasurable. I love you all. WYYWH my Josh

Comment by Connie K on October 14, 2015 at 10:44am

Vasanthi - sorry you had to endure another misguided comment from your bro in law.How does he know? He can't. Everyone who loses a child have their specific situation and grief to deal with. Of course we know that people always think they understand when they have not a clue.

And I have no doubt they are guiding us through this hell with their signs and their undying love. Yesterday as I touched Daniel's picture lovingly and stroked down the picture, I could feel his hug. I knew he was here but I miss him so terribly and just want him HERE for a real hug. The longing to have him back will never ever end. I just have to believe that where he is he is doing amazing things.

Teresa yes that reality lies before us like an endless desert road!

Jill - I too don't ever want to say anything to add to the pain of those who are have lost their baby so recently. I want to hold you all and say it will be okay and you will be happy again. Maybe some day.... I don't know... but like Teresa said of course you do learn to deal with it better on a daily basis. I judge myself too - I feel like I should be dealing better "by now". But i wanna know how do you go through the holidays watching everyone go on with their lives, enjoying life and their kids and the holidays and this beautiful world. Then I read the news and can hardly deal with the horror of what people do to each other. Where is the reverence for life? I am constantly thinking about life and death and  how it all works in the end. I just know that this reality we live slaps me in face everyday and dares me to go on. I try to do the best I can to make my son proud. And sometimes I just feel like I am failing at that and it brings back all the things I wish I could have done differently. Sorry for rambling...Hugs to all

Comment by Jill E on October 14, 2015 at 8:11am

Teresa D and Vasanthi thank you so very much. I am grateful I found this site, without you all I am not sure how I would cope.

Comment by Vasanthi S on October 14, 2015 at 7:47am

Jill,

I know exactly how you feel. I keep going back and reliving and re-reading our chats and thinking " oh on this day we were talking about his new place or what he would do for breakfast the next day etc. Our chats were such fun too, waking up and saying hiiiii good morning , r u up etc as he was in another country, and me telling him about the small kitten who wandered into my house there  and so on and on. His presence brought so much love and fulfillment and for that to be ripped away has left me and all of us who have to live through this completely bereft. I remember Connie saying how her son used to love Fall and wearing his jacket. Small things bring such a glow of love in ones heart. Dolly whose Brandon loved music and just seeing his pics made one smile because of the huge heartfelt grin he always had....Michelle, Teresa and so many of our friends here who struggle everyday, now sometimes quiet because whatever we say is never enough. Sharing and venting out here brings me close to you all and close to my son because we fantasise that maybe its our children who got together and help us get together with the angels here who open their hearts in understanding.

The other day my bro in law and me were talking about another family member who lost their little girl 20 years ago, suddenly. I said , " its always painful " and he said , " well its more painful for them as your son was older (27). I wanted to scream , my anxiety rocketed sky high and I had to really exert all my control to just be quiet and let the moment pass. Whether our child is young or older its a lifetime of love and now memories. How can it ever be ok? Here I don't need to explain. Sending love to you all.

Comment by Teresa D. on October 14, 2015 at 7:31am

I also just passed the 3 year mark.  I had a moment when reality set in.  Hit me like a ton of bricks. Took me 2 months just to process what was happening.  I feel like I just came over a huge hump.

Now I know I'm in reality.  Which is very hard to face.  No more convincing myself of things my sensible side of the brain knew wouldn't happen.  But my heart kept convincing me I could wake up to my old life with my son in it.  I am now facing that is not going to happen.

Reality is hard!  Now I have to figure out how to live with this.  This is going to be a part of me forever.  I will carry my son and this pain everywhere throughout life.  I can't change it, I can't go get him, instead I have to figure out how to deal with the reality and how to live with it. 

All I know is every bit of this is so exhausting.  I don't know what comes next but right now I just know the reality is in front of me.

Comment by Jill E on October 13, 2015 at 7:39pm

Thank you Vasanthi. 10 months ago. I think to last October, everything was good, great (at least I thought) How could 10 short months ago change my life into so much pain and torment? Everyday is worse, I wonder how it could get worse until I wake the next day and face the proof, the pain grows.

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