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Comment by Katherine Ellis on December 7, 2009 at 10:23pm

Today the Christmas tree is up. Some years are easier than others. This year I just feel empty. I don't think we would have placed one in our home had it not been for our grand-daughters living with us. How they fill our hearts and bring smiles to our faces. I pray all of you have someone in your lives that help yo...u do that. The holidays seem to be the worst. All those holiday shoppers out there smiling, shopping with their children when ours aren't with us. I just want to go up to them and tell them how lucky they are. Each night we will light our angel candle next the picture of our daughter, that is the closes we can get to her. I pray for each and every one of us, that we have the strength to indure the rest of this year. That we all have a better New Year. God Bless Everyone. (my words I just posted the same thing on different sites

Comment by Gail Richardson on December 6, 2009 at 3:54am

God’s Greatest Work of Art

If a picture is worth a thousand words
And nothing worthwhile is ever lost
Then what is the value of memories
For those who paid the highest cost?

When a parent loses a child
Words become a useless tool
There is nothing to be said to undo the hurt
And feeble attempts are only cruel

A hug heart to heart in warm embrace
Surpasses any useless phrase
Shared tears and shared memories
More healing than funeral sprays

A photograph is a moment in time
And sometimes it can capture our soul
A place we can find solace in memories
To fill an empty hole

The triggered memories are priceless
For in a flood of tears we cannot see
And we must travel inward
to seek one’s own empathy

To empathize with ourselves
For the heart can heal all things
We all have what it takes…
A song bird is meant to sing

Our hearts are the greatest gift
That lies within our grasp
To endure the clinging agony
And find some peace at last

We must make new memories
That can only glorify the old
We can use our heart to heal ourselves
Our story must be told

Our grief should not be a secret
Death is not a curse
Living life without Joy
Is an existence so much worse

Brighten up someone else’s day
It will illuminate you own
And plant the seeds of destiny
That has a purpose and should be sown

Yes a picture is worth a thousand words
So share those pictures from your heart
Filibuster your child’s life to one and all
They are God’s greatest work of art.
- MC/9/09

Mitch Carmody

Comment by Gail Richardson on December 5, 2009 at 6:11am

Guess that was sort of 'the confirmation' you needed Allan - we call those warm feelings of comfort 'Angel Hugs' - you will too.
Gail

Comment by Laura Villarreal on December 5, 2009 at 5:57am

Thank you for sharing, Allan.

Comment by Allan on December 5, 2009 at 3:08am

Dear Group,
Remember my story about the box of clothes belonging to my daughter that has taken up residence in my living room? (Now simply called "the box" - kind of like the elephant in the living room) Well today we had a minor breakthrough.

The weather turned cold and snowy here in west Texas. Callie's younger sister Jessica needed a jacket to fit over her pregnant belly. A good spirit was present when Jessica opened the box and found one of Callie's army issue coats. She is so proud of her sister and misses her so much. This small action was a source of comfort to us. Thought I'd share it.
Thanks for listening. Allan

Comment by Allan on December 3, 2009 at 7:51pm

Dear Group,
Thank you so much for listening and for your feedback. It's like I know all the right answers, but gosh, this is hard. Gail, you are further down the road in this process and it gives me great hope that eventually I will be in a better spot than where I am today. After years of having the sun continue to rise and set I suppose one arrives at a point where it is no longer a question whether or not you can go on. It just happens.

Not long after my daughter's death a well meaning member of my church said to me how much I had been an inspiration to her. My immediate response was to say, I don't want to be an inspiration I just want to be normal again. I realize now that I should have simply said thank you. I could never begin to feel your hurt over the loss of Meshael, but somehow it gives me comfort that if you can survive, perhaps I can too. Thanks for your words.

Laura, your loss is still so fresh and I am so sorry Angela is not with you. I guess like you I am still feeling the need to talk to my daughter about her things. Granted, she would probably laugh and say, Oh Dad it's just a bunch of stupid shirts and pants! On the other hand if she were here she would need them. I still have her number on speed dial on my phone. I wish I could call her...I would give anything to hear her laugh again.

Comment by Gail Richardson on December 3, 2009 at 5:03pm

Allan - grief has to be handled one day at a time - no-one can push you to go any faster than your heart wants to go.
It was a little different for me with Meshael being so young, all her things were in her room just as she left them. I was the one who had to box them up and it had to be in my own time. Hence, it took a good five years before the last of her little treasures were packed up and put away.
When it is the right time for you - you will know. Try to make sure that you have plenty of company around you - it's a heartbreaking task but it does help, as Laura said, to talk to Callie as you do it. Ask her if it's OK to give her things to who-ever and don't be surprised if you get some confirmation that it is!
You are correct in saying that when you are ready to move the box it will be a turning point. Just for now, push the box against the wall or in another room (to appease the family) and don't open it until you are strong enough. You and only you will know when that time is right.
Take care
Gail

Comment by Laura Villarreal on December 3, 2009 at 1:55pm

Allan, I understand and know just how you feel. When I returned home from Fairbanks I had a large suitcase with lots of Angela's clothes and purses; the suitcase remained in the extra bedroom, on the bed, wide open for about 2 months. I could not bring myself "to put away" her things. It's really hard to explain...I felt that by storing her personal items I was putting her away and I did not want that to happen. I could make no sense of what I was thinking. When I finally made the decision to carefully store her belongings I cried the whole time. I also apologized to Angela for having "to put away" her things, reassuring her and myself, this was not "out of sight, out of mind". I'm not sure if this makes sense but it's just what I felt at the time.
Take care.
Laura

Comment by Allan on December 2, 2009 at 10:36pm

Dear Group,
Here's my latest dilemma. Over the holidays a large box came to reside at my house. My daughter's husband Shawn left the army and has taken a new civilian job in Kentucky. Before moving he packed and sent this large box of Callie's clothes for us to have. Since it is just a box of clothes, the plan is that some will be kept but the rest will be given to Goodwill. One of Callie's sisters wants to make a quilt out of some of the pieces of clothing...but of course she cant get around to it now. So there it sits, this the large box of Callie's clothes. My wife wants me to put it away somewhere. After all she says, we have a Christmas decorations and a tree to put up, and you cant just leave a box sitting in the middle of the floor in the living room. But there it is. Just sitting there.
I am not ready to touch, hold and feel her things - let alone put them away in a closet or store room or have to decide which to give away. Not yet. Maybe that will be a turning point in my grief work - the day when I finally decide to move the box. But for now there it is.

Comment by Kar on December 2, 2009 at 10:29am

Love & Understanding to all of you -- & BIG HUGS
Wendy I am glad you stood your ground on TG. My 2 other kids & hub wanted to go to the family dinners - I didn't & just couldnt get a grip so as I said sent with without me.
Laura - Yes bullied is a good word, I am certain they want to help - BUT...
Sherry - Yes I too like Laura have my mantle completely dedicated to Brad. And many other areas as well. I also keep a candle lit 24/7 one on each side of his picture & one over at his resting place as well. I like all of you other ideas too. Laura have you had any communication with any of the donor receipiants? I keep in touch with one of my sons.

Love & strength to us all - Looking forward to the holidays being over....... I had to go into a store yesterday & on the way in heard a mother call for her son "Bradley" my knees went weak & I wanted to throw up ---- although happy for her- My Bradley is gone... and then as my ears stopped ringing from it all - of course there was cheerful christmas music playing.... I had to get out of there fasttttt --- it is all just so hard - like acid to an already destroyed heart.

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