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Comment by Melissa Szuch on July 12, 2011 at 8:29am

I am being told that I am going to have to let go?  This doesnt even register in my brain... What am I to let go off? 27 years of memories? I know that Sarah is gone and there is nothing I can do to bring her back. I am sad for all the tommorows that she and I will not share. I lost my father to leukemia, my mother to bone cancer. My biological father is in a nursing home with Alzheimers and dementia. There deaths were hard and I miss them. Nothing comapres to this pain I feel.

We were to spread her ashes next week at the beach one of Sarahs favorote places.  I am not ready for that right now. I go into the game room when I know I am about to cry and I hold that box. Its all that is left of her, .  

Comment by Karen R. on July 2, 2011 at 10:10am

Melissa, good luck with your new business, I hope it does bring you some happiness.... no matter how small.

Comment by Melissa Szuch on July 1, 2011 at 8:18am

Frances I am so sorry for your loss, Sarah struggles with depression after her acident in 08. I actually think it just brought it to the forefront. When I found her that is what I was screaming "What have you done" I now know it wasnt anything that she did to herself it was a natural death. Sarahs heart couldnt sustain the weight she carrys. No matter the circumstance that our children leave us its a devastating blow. Its always with me, I am opening  a business I should be ecstatic I go threw the motions  hoping that something will bring my happiness back,

Comment by Melissa Szuch on June 29, 2011 at 7:12am

Thanks Karen,

Her Father went over there and took care of most of her things.  Like the towels and the sheets etc. although that was hard for me to say just do what you think. I am just trusting him to take care of it. I go in her apt and I just walk from room to room and get nothing accomplished. Yesterday I got a call from the neighbor (she did not know her father was in her condo) And only on Sarahs patio were at least 1000 bees.  idk

Comment by Karen R. on June 28, 2011 at 9:29am

Hey Melissa, just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel about your daughter's things. I have a pair of my son's work gloves, they still have his scent too. Somedays I can smell them and others, I can't but I would go crazy if someone got rid of them. I also have one of his hats out where I can see it and it still has his scent also. Some of his tee shirts I gave to my younger son but that's where it ended. My daughter let him choose the ones he wanted, I couldn't be present for that because I didn't want to see my son's clothes. It's weird, the sight of his clothes puts me over the edge and increases my pain but at the same time, I feel like I will NEVER get rid of them. I think it would be symbolic of me getting "rid" of him........and that's not possible!  The mere thought of parting with his belongings throws me into a zone that I can hardly get out of. I have made it clear to everyone in my household that, absolutely, under NO circumstance, should anyone remove or give away anything of his things or I will have their head!!!!!!  By my request, I asked my father to put my son's things away in one container and few bags and hide them out of my sight so the location won't be obvious to me. He was the only one that could do it, it was too emotional for anyone else and I would have NEVER been able to do it. I feel like I am crazy, actually, I know I am!! Everyone is different, some people give their loved one's things away soon after their passing, and thats fine for them, you have to do what's best for you. I might not feel the way I do now 10 yrs from now or maybe I will......who knows?

Thanks to all for listening.......again!

Comment by Melissa Szuch on June 28, 2011 at 8:49am

Thanks Norma, I totally understand not being focused.  When people talk to me I hear some of what they are saying but not much. My mind is always thinking about Sarah or something to do with Sarah. Yesterday when we were going threw her things, everything I touched was a memory of something we shared, Or I knew who gave it to her etc. IDK how I am going to part with anything, I found myself getting angry that her father picked up a bottle of bubbles to give to her nephew. I didnt say anything that was just my feeling at the time. And then to smell the dress that she wore to her sisters baby shower, it still smelled like her.. Me and her father just stood there smelling it crying.

Comment by Melissa Szuch on June 27, 2011 at 7:53am

Thank you all for responding, Sarah's memorial was beautiful. Today Sarahs  father and I are going to her apt to get things figured out. I am scared I would rather leave everything where it is at , I have already had to go there because her ex husband was trying to break in to take her things. He is such an ass, I suppose I just want to remeber Sarah in life and not see that recliner that I found her in. Please pray for me. I have been trying to talk to God myself and I just have no words yet.

Comment by Karen R. on June 26, 2011 at 10:24pm

Dear Frances, I am sorry to here about the tragic lost of your son. I know all to well about the struggle, as you will see if you read through my postings/comments. This support from this site plays a huge role in keeping me out the hospital. Having my feelings validated and not judged.  Thanks

Comment by Karen R. on June 26, 2011 at 10:13pm

Dear Melissa, my goodness, so sorry for the loss of your child, your baby! I am still suffering from the loss of my 21 yr old son. This life can seem so unfair when these losses occur. I can not speak for everyone but I don't hold my feelings in when someone asks me the "how are you doin" question, I tell them......I am in so much pain!..I'm doing awful!....I am in so much pain......I am really "fu@!ed up"!!!!, especially to those that now that my son passed away. At least I am a little nicer now because I use to answer by yelling " how do you think I feel, what kind of dumb question is that!!!!!!!!!!!" They had no idea how insensitive it made me feel when they would say "why, what happened?!!!!!!!!!!"! I do realize that people mean well and are sometimes lost for words and I truly don't mean to make them feel uncomfortable but the truth is I am NOT "OK" and I will never be "OK". Depending on my mood and who it is, I will respond with a ' I could be better ' answer. When someone asks me the "what can I do" question, I say NOTHING, unless you can get me my baby back! I never sugar coat that answer.  I just hope people don't take it personal because its not.

Comment by Frances Cope on June 26, 2011 at 8:58pm

Our son Jason, age 39, took his life in our home 10/15/10 around 5:00 am.  Life as we once knew it will never be the same.  He had was diagnosed as bipolar and was on medication. Every day is still a struggle.

 

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