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Comment by Lorie Dunn on September 25, 2011 at 7:28pm

Ammy, I know what you are saying.  No one knows this kind of suffering untl they have experienced it themselves. I remember being the one that didn't know the right words to say to a parent who's child had died. I remember being the one who tried not to say the wrong thing when they were around.  Now, I am the person that people seem to walk on eggshells around.  I am the one who feels like the outcast at times. Everything can change in a blink of an eye. I think for me, the "what ifs" is a very hard part to this new life.  Plus, listening to people who think that death or tragedy won't happen to them or their family...then I am forced to remember that there was a time when I thought the same thing.

Comment by Ammy on September 25, 2011 at 1:34pm

As I'm looking at all the pictures here of children lost, I tend to become lost in thought about each one.  I stare in disbelief (almost) and wonder how can this be.  Is this the way it has always been?  We lived our lives normally, never knowing or really believing how fast it could be changed.  Never knowing (regarding) that there were families suffering these kind of losses.  That is why I am trying so hard not to judge others when they seem so unattached to our situation.  They simply haven't a clue, and I was one of them at one time.  WOW!!  That bothers me.  

Hugs, blessings, and comfort to all.

Comment by Karen R. on September 16, 2011 at 2:54pm

Greetings Lorie, you are definitely not alone. It doesn't matter what age the person may be. This is all just so hard and sad. I know what you mean about feeling like the outcast and the feeling like no one knows what to say to you, especially if they see you are upset.  I have had more overwhelming moments at public places more than I can count. Thanks for your support with wishes of good memories of our children.

Comment by Lorie Dunn on September 16, 2011 at 4:50am

Hi all.  I don't have a lot of time this morning to read the new posts...but from just what I have got to read, it has confirmed for me that I am not alone in "seeing" my son in other people.  There are times when a trip to wal-mart is devastating.  I "see" Hunter in a kid standing in line or in the parking lot. It seems as the age doesn't matter. They may look like what he did at a younger age or they may be older than what Hunter was when he died but makes me think of what he would have looked like. Maybe it is someone that "looks" like him or someone that walks like him.  It could be the shirt that they are wearing.  It can overwhelm at times.  Other times it brings back good memories.  All of the time though, it reminds me that he is not with me physically.  Some days, I make it through without crying.  Other days, I have to sit in the car and gain my composure.  I wish life was the way it used to be.  Before the drugs.  Before everything went wrong.  I pray for dreams of my son ....I pray to make it through my work day without crying in front of everyone and feeling like the outcast.  The one that somedays no one knows what to say to me.  The one that feels out of place and alone.  The one that other days just wish everyone would shut-up and leave me alone.  The feelings change every moment....what's in store today????  God Bless all of you and I hope your day brings a great memory of your child.

Comment by Lorraine on September 15, 2011 at 10:05pm

Hi Ammy, I am so glad you got your dream.  those dreams are precious, and sometimes feel like visits. I haven't had any that have felt that real for awhile now.  I take whatever I can get, as we all do I believe; whatever brings comfort.  Thank you for watching the video on my Silas; I love that I can still hear his voice through this documentary.  Sy was a wonderful person in many ways and is missed by so many...The video was difficult to make, but I am glad I did it as it was a project that was important to Sy. Yes, Silas had a pool shark tattooed on his back, which I then had done on mine once he passed on.  I still can't believe he is gone.  I know those sentiments are shared by friends here with your children.  It is just so strange that this has become our lives now; and more than that, I am still mad Silas didn't get to finish doing things that were important to him, I wonder if i will ever get over that.  He was very busy and loving it all... then cancer hit.  Whatever the cause of death, I believe the feelings are often similar when you are enduring the loss of a beloved child. Sending love to all my friends here, good night

Comment by Karen R. on September 15, 2011 at 6:04pm

Greetings Ammy and all, that's nice that you had a dream about your son. I haven't had one about my son for quite awhile now. I long for one so much because I'll take seeing him anyway I can. I too have had to fight the overwhelming urge to hug young men/boys that remind me of my son. When I see these young guys riding on motorcycles, my pain only intensifies, I imagine my son on that dreadful night when he was riding his friend's motorcycle. I want to scream at all of them not to ride. It's so hard because that same friend of my son's, still rides a motorcycle like a maniac. It's like he tortures me with it, he's our next door neighbor. He has 2 motorcycles and a 4wheeler. He was one of my son's best friends, they were friends since they were 5 yrs old. He hardly looks at me when he sees me outside, sometimes he speaks, sometimes he doesn't. Deepdown I know that it wasn't his fault but I thought that after he saw what happened to my son, he would stop riding but instead he rides more.

Thanks for the continues support from everyone

Comment by Ammy on September 15, 2011 at 3:24pm

@Lorraine ~ I just watched the video of Silas.  It was hard for me to watch because I know he is not with you anymore.  He was a wonderful person, but even if he wasn't, he was your son and that is what matters.  I noticed in the video a tattoo and it made me remember (or at least I think I remember) you getting the same tattoo.  A flying 8 ball?  Am I thinking straight?  I searched first, but couldn't find what I thought I had read on here before.  Anyway, it was a very touching video.  Sending hugs. {{{hug}}}

Comment by Ammy on September 15, 2011 at 2:52pm

Hello to all.  I pray that today is a better day for each one of you, but I am also realistic with knowing that is doubtful.  Some days I try to lean more on the positive side.  I'm still like a ball bouncing off walls.  Back and forth from one emotion to the next.  As Lorraine & Karen mentioned 'searching' for their child it made me remember last fall when I saw a young man that looked so much like my son from the side that I just stared and stared taking in that face.  I had to restrain myself from going up to him and asking for a hug.  How crazy is that?  Yesterday was 14 months for us and we finally planted his tree that we have had sitting here since July.  It felt good to put it where he liked to fish.  It's a public place so if we move we can always go there and sit by the water.  I also had my first dream in a year.  I have prayed to have a dream of my son.  I will take anything I can to see him whether it's real or not.  I think it was the first time I woke up with a calm feeling over me.  I am also like you Karen in that I don't think I truly believe he is really gone.  I always catch myself thinking I have to tell him something, or when he gets here he'll do it.  All kinds of things go through my mind making him still alive.  Then the hard realization comes, but I still continue to do it over and over.  Maybe it's a self protection thing...I don't know.  I just know I feel okay when I'm thinking it.  For some reason I could go on and on today, but I better stop here.  Sending you all my love, prayers, and blessings.  Wish they could help.  <3

Comment by Karen R. on September 11, 2011 at 8:16pm

Hey Lorraine, I too always hope for moments of peace for us all. I am glad but yet saddened that I am not alone in regards to "searching" for my son.  Having other children does not make up for the loss of one, one does not replace another. We never want to bury any of our children, it's just not an option. There were many days that I did not want to be "mommy" to anyone after the loss of my son.  As time has passed, I push forward to be there for my other loved ones because I know they still need me. My heart is with all of you guys also.

Comment by Lorraine on September 11, 2011 at 6:17pm

It seems so common for many of us to continue to "search" for that person who looks like our child; I do this as well, and have another friend who lost her son and she has had such difficulty accepting that it isn't.  Ultimately the young men I look at are never as sparkly as Silas was, of course :-)  but it never stops me from searching.  Today felt really hard for me; it is coming up on the diagnosis time of my son's cancer in October and it is also his birthday during that time.  He went into the hospital via ambulance to the ER on October 1, 2007; they took an exray for what they thought was a pinched nerve ~ half his c4 vertabra was eaten away by cancer.  October 1 is his oldest sister's birthday; and Sy's is 4 days later, they were born 3 years apart...  so this is a time to celebrate my beautiful children, and yet it is also so full of sorrow.  Not that any day feels easy, it hasn't been yet. But I don't ever want the grief to be more than the joy of having Silas in my life and being his mom.  I wish our children would come back too, Karen; my  heart goes out to everyone here every day.  This has been hell...  I hope that everyone finds little moments of peace, that is my wish for this day.  I am not religious, do not judge whatever works for anyone else; I just CANNOT accept that my son is gone & it would piss him off if I referred to him as my "angel child" haha.  That would make him mad, although I respect those who refer to their children as angels.  Silas would be like "really, Mom???  seriously stop now."  He was very funny & oh, I could go on, so I will just shut up.  Feeling the loss  :-(

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