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Comment by Terri Kuta on October 6, 2011 at 6:14pm

I received my son's year book from your high school today, it made me feel really good, they dedicated a page just to him, and also included his senior picture with everyone elses, I really thought this was going to be hard but instead i have a peace in my heart that my son really touched people and he still lives on in their hearts

Comment by Grace on October 6, 2011 at 5:53pm

Lorie and karen.... As I read your comments... it reminds me that our son who had Autism was 14.... It was Memorial Day Weekend and our school graduation that fateful Sunday... as we were preparing to airlift him, I told my other son that his brother was really sick... I knew it was bad.  He wanted to pretend that his brother was going to be ok and decided he would go watch his friends graduate.  We had to call him out of Graduation to come to the hospital because his brother was not going to make it..... The following year our son Graduated... it was so hard get through his graduation... so many memories....

and afterward to see kids the same age as my Niles.

It was hard to see them and know that my son is gone...  How random life is to take my child away.  Yes... it is nice to feel "Happy" for them but sometimes I'm angry that I will not have that happiness.   Or I look at those that are 16 and think Niles would be 16.....   I have a cousin who has had a son live through non-hogkins lymphoma... he has had chemo all summer and is doing well... boy what a scare for them... and yet there is a BIG Gap between that boy surviving and my son being gone.... can those parents really relate to our pain?   Why has GOD showed mercy on them and not me?

And then again last week another family from my church lost thier son to a siezure.. (The beginning of the end for my son)... it really consumed my thoughts as to the pain this family was entering into this club we are all in of grief.

I am trying to find beauty in Fall... colored leaves.... yet it fades to brown.... Fall is such a time.... but then so are all mile markers...holidays....ect.

Comment by Kar on October 6, 2011 at 5:07pm

Lorie,   I know that feeling as well,  Brad was 16-  He would be 20 now-  prom, graduation, all that was so hard to see his Friends do- (although happy for them)  my heart was breaking.   Then Our daughter who is 2 years younger than Brad-  got to do all that- she is 18 now & has started college.   It tears me up (again so happy for her)  but-  how can Brads little sister be older than him.....????? It all hurts sooo much... !!!!!

 

Comment by Lorie Dunn on October 6, 2011 at 4:06pm

Grace...My son should have graduated high school last year (well, June).  It was so hard to receive high school graduation invitations from some of his friends...hearing from coworkers about their children going off to college.  It is hard to see these kids now, at 18, instead of 16 (the age Hunter was when he died).  I feel as if they should all still be 16!  I hate this life without him. I miss him so much.

Comment by Kar on October 6, 2011 at 3:06pm

"I hate fall"  I have never liked fall ---  It always reminded me of death as all the leaves are falling off the trees -  etc..  Everything just looks worn out.  

....and now- I morn my son 10/19/07.    For me leading up the the anniversary of that awful awful day just drains me even more than the average painful day.  

Life just hurts now...!       Thinking of all of you feeling the same.!

Comment by Grace on October 6, 2011 at 2:32pm

Ammy... I read many of us Mothers have a common thing... we keep Searching for something we lost... and in our best attempts we can't find it.... I find this with my faith as well... I have to depend on others to carry me through this time... I ask for prayers from others because I have been shaken so much that I can't find faith and I can't make any sense why my son has died... why do I dream that if I were "Good" maybe I would wake up and this would have all been just a bad nightmare..... and my son is here with me......

Comment by Ammy on October 6, 2011 at 2:15pm

Sometimes I wonder...will the sorrowful, tearful, mentally distressing days ever stop?  Will I ever feel as if something lost within me is found again?  I feel incomplete.  I know God is here but the connection feels lost... my fault, I know . He is faithful and just and yet I am not able to always feel him.  Faith comes from within, its not proved by facts and science, so why do I feel I know he’s there, but ….I feel alone.  As if all his blessings are for others, but not for me.  I want to reach out and take his hand, but I cant find it.

Its a bit of a shock to the system when you start to come out of the fog to find that while the world in a sense stopped – it actually didnt – People carried on with their lives, and you're aware that time has passed, but how long.  Like it was just the beginning of summer, and now its autumn kind of thing, and I dont know how it happened.  I sort of know it was June and now its October.  So after a summer almost as bad as the one before, I'm a different person. I feel like I have lost that child like faith where you believe God will look after and protect you and yours , yet my faith in Him still continues.  

Is it a mistake to tell our children that He will protect you against harm when clearly He doesnt.  People do get sick, accidents do happen and there are evil people in the world who do harm.  Is God always there?  

For me, I have to believe He is with you and holds you and wraps you in His arms  even when you are unaware. 

Thank you for your prayers.

Comment by Grace on October 6, 2011 at 8:29am

something about the Fall.... I have had a blue period myself.  May 2009 is when we lost the Baby of the family... our son was 14.... maybe it is because school has started and he should be 16..... not just in our memory.

Comment by Frances Cope on October 6, 2011 at 7:41am

One year since our loss on10/15/11.  It has not gotten any easier.  Jason should have been up first this morning making coffee.  Prayers for all of you who are suffering as we are.

Comment by Lisa Adams on October 5, 2011 at 7:46pm

seems the changing season is rough on us all.  I think it has something to do with the approach of the holidays. That time of year we all dread.  Plus with the days getting shorter and the temps cooler, we have to spend more times indoors.  I don't know about the rest of you but being in the house a lot is very hard on me.  It's just too damn quiet here now.  And when I'm forced to spend a lot of time here, then the depression and sadness are a lot worse. Becauseshe should be here, and she's not.  Hugs to you all.  Praying for us all. Lisa

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