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Comment by Karen R. on October 6, 2011 at 9:15pm

Hey Ammy, so well said! My thoughts are synonimous with yours in regards to faith. I feel so emotionally and spiritually beaten up. I no longer feel confident to tell my little one to have no fears because she will always be "protected". I also feel that lost connection.  I have moments when my anger make me feel like this life is some sought of cruel joke. When I ponder the time that has already passed, my sadness increases as it began with my son just passed away, then it was hours, days, month, first year and now the second year is too close for comfort. This is why most times I don't like to count, it just reafirms that my son is not here and that the world is going on without noticing that my baby is not here enjoying his life. I will NEVER be able to accept such a lost, never!

I find myself still distancing myself from all of my family and friends that try to reasure me that they care and are willing to listen but the truth is, deep down I feel like they don't mean it, it's just words. I loke to and need to talk about my son every chance I get and I feel like I will mentally burn them out with it. I feel like they don't want to hear it all the time, I don't feel like they really want me to call them at 3 a.m. when I am unconsolable or when I am feeling like giving up. There was atime when anyone would come over I would immediately greet them with a photo album filled with my son's pictures and the scrap book I made for him. I wouldn't even ask them first, I just gave it to them. Most of them pretended that it didn't bother them but it probably did. It's like I want the world to know my pain from my tremendous loss, I don't want them to forget my son.  Just this past weekend on Oct 1st, I was a family affair and a family member through marriage was there, unfortunately, just 2 wks before this event, her 29 yr old son was tragically killed, so of course I migrated right to her. We held each other and I apologized once again to her for my absense for her baby's funeral. Emotionallt I could not attend and she truly understood. While we were talking, a family friend took a seat at the table and I began to give her my phone to look at my son's picture and before I could hand it over to her, that family "friend", gave me a disappointed glare and he said, " you're still doing that?!", I said, "excuse You!", he said I have to let go and stop always showing his picture! I was furious, let's just say that when I was done, he was sorry that he ever said that to me. He tried to apologize but I will NEVER accept it! He is so clueless, he has his 3 children. My in-law that had just lost her son could not believe him.

Thanks to all for always listening and not judging

Comment by Kar on October 6, 2011 at 6:22pm

So glad that your school did that Terri,   Brad's school treated him like he did something wrong----   (He was a passenger in with my husband)  also was top of his class-   not that any of that should make a difference of course-  but-  that being said-  they told us they did not want to glamorize death & oh I cant even talk about it...   SO glad your school district has a heart ---the way it should be....    hugs

Comment by Terri Kuta on October 6, 2011 at 6:14pm

I received my son's year book from your high school today, it made me feel really good, they dedicated a page just to him, and also included his senior picture with everyone elses, I really thought this was going to be hard but instead i have a peace in my heart that my son really touched people and he still lives on in their hearts

Comment by Grace on October 6, 2011 at 5:53pm

Lorie and karen.... As I read your comments... it reminds me that our son who had Autism was 14.... It was Memorial Day Weekend and our school graduation that fateful Sunday... as we were preparing to airlift him, I told my other son that his brother was really sick... I knew it was bad.  He wanted to pretend that his brother was going to be ok and decided he would go watch his friends graduate.  We had to call him out of Graduation to come to the hospital because his brother was not going to make it..... The following year our son Graduated... it was so hard get through his graduation... so many memories....

and afterward to see kids the same age as my Niles.

It was hard to see them and know that my son is gone...  How random life is to take my child away.  Yes... it is nice to feel "Happy" for them but sometimes I'm angry that I will not have that happiness.   Or I look at those that are 16 and think Niles would be 16.....   I have a cousin who has had a son live through non-hogkins lymphoma... he has had chemo all summer and is doing well... boy what a scare for them... and yet there is a BIG Gap between that boy surviving and my son being gone.... can those parents really relate to our pain?   Why has GOD showed mercy on them and not me?

And then again last week another family from my church lost thier son to a siezure.. (The beginning of the end for my son)... it really consumed my thoughts as to the pain this family was entering into this club we are all in of grief.

I am trying to find beauty in Fall... colored leaves.... yet it fades to brown.... Fall is such a time.... but then so are all mile markers...holidays....ect.

Comment by Kar on October 6, 2011 at 5:07pm

Lorie,   I know that feeling as well,  Brad was 16-  He would be 20 now-  prom, graduation, all that was so hard to see his Friends do- (although happy for them)  my heart was breaking.   Then Our daughter who is 2 years younger than Brad-  got to do all that- she is 18 now & has started college.   It tears me up (again so happy for her)  but-  how can Brads little sister be older than him.....????? It all hurts sooo much... !!!!!

 

Comment by Lorie Dunn on October 6, 2011 at 4:06pm

Grace...My son should have graduated high school last year (well, June).  It was so hard to receive high school graduation invitations from some of his friends...hearing from coworkers about their children going off to college.  It is hard to see these kids now, at 18, instead of 16 (the age Hunter was when he died).  I feel as if they should all still be 16!  I hate this life without him. I miss him so much.

Comment by Kar on October 6, 2011 at 3:06pm

"I hate fall"  I have never liked fall ---  It always reminded me of death as all the leaves are falling off the trees -  etc..  Everything just looks worn out.  

....and now- I morn my son 10/19/07.    For me leading up the the anniversary of that awful awful day just drains me even more than the average painful day.  

Life just hurts now...!       Thinking of all of you feeling the same.!

Comment by Grace on October 6, 2011 at 2:32pm

Ammy... I read many of us Mothers have a common thing... we keep Searching for something we lost... and in our best attempts we can't find it.... I find this with my faith as well... I have to depend on others to carry me through this time... I ask for prayers from others because I have been shaken so much that I can't find faith and I can't make any sense why my son has died... why do I dream that if I were "Good" maybe I would wake up and this would have all been just a bad nightmare..... and my son is here with me......

Comment by Ammy on October 6, 2011 at 2:15pm

Sometimes I wonder...will the sorrowful, tearful, mentally distressing days ever stop?  Will I ever feel as if something lost within me is found again?  I feel incomplete.  I know God is here but the connection feels lost... my fault, I know . He is faithful and just and yet I am not able to always feel him.  Faith comes from within, its not proved by facts and science, so why do I feel I know he’s there, but ….I feel alone.  As if all his blessings are for others, but not for me.  I want to reach out and take his hand, but I cant find it.

Its a bit of a shock to the system when you start to come out of the fog to find that while the world in a sense stopped – it actually didnt – People carried on with their lives, and you're aware that time has passed, but how long.  Like it was just the beginning of summer, and now its autumn kind of thing, and I dont know how it happened.  I sort of know it was June and now its October.  So after a summer almost as bad as the one before, I'm a different person. I feel like I have lost that child like faith where you believe God will look after and protect you and yours , yet my faith in Him still continues.  

Is it a mistake to tell our children that He will protect you against harm when clearly He doesnt.  People do get sick, accidents do happen and there are evil people in the world who do harm.  Is God always there?  

For me, I have to believe He is with you and holds you and wraps you in His arms  even when you are unaware. 

Thank you for your prayers.

Comment by Grace on October 6, 2011 at 8:29am

something about the Fall.... I have had a blue period myself.  May 2009 is when we lost the Baby of the family... our son was 14.... maybe it is because school has started and he should be 16..... not just in our memory.

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