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Comment by Grace on October 19, 2011 at 11:51am

It has been more than 2 years since my Niles died. (May 2009)  And I still have days where I just break down as if it just happened.   It could be a song ... a smell... a food... something that triggers my memory of him and then hits me again.

Comment by Lisa Adams on October 19, 2011 at 11:40am

wow my emotions are so all-over-the-place right now. One minute I'm ok, happy, joking and then WHAM! the pain and sorrow hits me then after a brief cry I'm ok again. It's almost like hormone mood swings in pregnancy. It's coming up on five months since she died.  Did anybody else go through this?

Comment by Grace on October 12, 2011 at 7:12pm

Hi Ammy... glad you got through the birthday.... Each milestone is hard for all of us... maybe it was good that you lost yourself for a few days... maybe it was you taking a break from the saddness that the anticipation of this birthday milestone has been for you... I know that every holiday I sometimes want to pretend that it is not such and such a day....but then the day comes and we wade through it.    Maybe that is what your granddaughter does to take a break from reality... I think we all want to pretend that they are at school right now.... or at work.... college... someplace other than gone.  I know in my dreams my Niles is still alive... then I wake up

Comment by Ammy on October 12, 2011 at 6:45pm

Good Evening Friends.  Well, I got through the weekend and our granddaughter's birthday party.  I only teared up once and just excused myself from the person I was talking to so I could compose myself.  My little one had a good day and that was what mattered on that day.  Had her here today with us and she started talking about her daddy having a big boo-boo and that the doctor was going to fix it.  I just looked and her and gently said, "no, the doctor can't fix daddy's boo-boo".  That's the hard part now.  She keeps trying to find a way he can come back and we keep having to tell her it's not going to happen.  I don't know how much she can really understand or grasp, but it's awful to see her expression change when we tell her he's not coming back.  On the positive side, I think I have finally found someone that will work with a 3 year old doing play therapy on grief.  Say a prayer that this works out for her.  Hope you all have been doing okay the past few days....... I just realized it's Wednesday already.  What am I thinking.  I lose days so much anymore.  Anyone else have that happen?  Hugs & blessings to each of you.

Comment by Karen R. on October 7, 2011 at 7:38pm

Ammy, I also help your grand baby has a wonderful birthday and lots of fun at her party. Try to get through it for her.. I wish my son had left me a child, that would be an extension of him.

Comment by Lorie Dunn on October 7, 2011 at 3:43pm

Hi all...my son actually got his GED before he died...long story... (not sure I clarified that in my earlier post), but it doesn't make it any easier seeing his friends go through milestones that Hunter should have went through.  His high school still dedicated a page to him (but the publisher put the year as 2010 instead of 2009 when he passed away), no one from the school bothered to get in touch with me that they were going to do that.  I actually found out through one of Hunter's friends and by that time the yearbooks had already been ordered and delivered.  Thank God, I ended up getting three! Thanks to good friends. I still see some of the people that did drugs with Hunter from time to time (not by my choice--but in passing), and I wonder if they learned anything from his death.  They make me sick.  God forgive me, some days I do better than others, but then there are times when I wonder why Hunter had to die and others get to live.  This is when I have to trust in God that He knows best or I will drive myself insane.The emotions I have are crazy sometimes.  I am learning to deal with things one day at a time.  Sometimes it's one minute at a time.  Ammy, enjoy your granddaughter, she is a gift from your son and I hope she has a wonderful birthday.  I pray for you to be strong (and happy) on her special day.

Comment by Ammy on October 7, 2011 at 7:35am

I have read all your comments this morning and I see how different we are and yet we're also the same.  I honestly can't always remember the facts of each child and sometimes I go to your homepage and review.  Karen, I went to yours this morning, but it's set to private.  I know that you are thinking about the 19th and probably remembering that day more now.  I'm also sorry for the way his school ignored him.  I understand your extra pain as I went through it this summer.  First his birthday, then his anniversary.  It does suck.  One day that used to be joyful is now just as bad as this new date I've had to add to my life.  

As I read of your losses and your pain and I relate to it so well, I am also having some feelings of guilt because I believe I had my son the longest.  I can't imagine how much harder it might have been if I had lost him at such an early age.  Would my grief be any different?  And yet, I also think on the other hand that I have extra sorrow because I have his daughter now and have been watching all the things she has started to do since he's been gone.  Learning to talk, to go potty, starting preschool.  And it always makes me think of what he's missing.  And she still misses him and wants him even though now she will say her daddy is in heaven, she still believes he is coming back.  I'm so stressed this week because Sunday is her birthday.  She will be 3 and we have to have a party for her, but I don't want to.  To see a toddler in grief is unreal and so unfair.  They just don't have the understanding of death.  We do, as adults, understand and look how it affects us.  I just can't imagine what she feels and it hurts when she asks for him.  When she was born, I was so proud of how he was such a hands on dad.  Now I wish he hadn't been.  Maybe their bond wouldn't have been so strong.  Sorry, I'm just venting all my thoughts this morning.  Another morning when I feel like I can't shut my mind and my tears off.  Thank you all for sharing, for being here, for your good thoughts.  I pray for your comfort as well. <3  

Comment by Karen R. on October 6, 2011 at 9:27pm

Hello Lorie, Karen, Grace, Terri and any and all that are joining us. It is so hard to see my son's friends and cousins going on with life, even though way down deep, I am glad for them but it just reminds me that my son is the missing link. it is still extremely difficult for me to speak of my son in the past tense.Sometimes, my emotions keep him at the age 21yrs old when he passed away and then, other times, I say he turned 23 on his last birthday. Sometimes I can not bare the thought that my son will forever be 21, so I make my reality be that he is now 23 because he is not in the "past tense" to me, he is my son and will always be my son. This is all so hard.

Comment by Karen R. on October 6, 2011 at 9:15pm

Hey Ammy, so well said! My thoughts are synonimous with yours in regards to faith. I feel so emotionally and spiritually beaten up. I no longer feel confident to tell my little one to have no fears because she will always be "protected". I also feel that lost connection.  I have moments when my anger make me feel like this life is some sought of cruel joke. When I ponder the time that has already passed, my sadness increases as it began with my son just passed away, then it was hours, days, month, first year and now the second year is too close for comfort. This is why most times I don't like to count, it just reafirms that my son is not here and that the world is going on without noticing that my baby is not here enjoying his life. I will NEVER be able to accept such a lost, never!

I find myself still distancing myself from all of my family and friends that try to reasure me that they care and are willing to listen but the truth is, deep down I feel like they don't mean it, it's just words. I loke to and need to talk about my son every chance I get and I feel like I will mentally burn them out with it. I feel like they don't want to hear it all the time, I don't feel like they really want me to call them at 3 a.m. when I am unconsolable or when I am feeling like giving up. There was atime when anyone would come over I would immediately greet them with a photo album filled with my son's pictures and the scrap book I made for him. I wouldn't even ask them first, I just gave it to them. Most of them pretended that it didn't bother them but it probably did. It's like I want the world to know my pain from my tremendous loss, I don't want them to forget my son.  Just this past weekend on Oct 1st, I was a family affair and a family member through marriage was there, unfortunately, just 2 wks before this event, her 29 yr old son was tragically killed, so of course I migrated right to her. We held each other and I apologized once again to her for my absense for her baby's funeral. Emotionallt I could not attend and she truly understood. While we were talking, a family friend took a seat at the table and I began to give her my phone to look at my son's picture and before I could hand it over to her, that family "friend", gave me a disappointed glare and he said, " you're still doing that?!", I said, "excuse You!", he said I have to let go and stop always showing his picture! I was furious, let's just say that when I was done, he was sorry that he ever said that to me. He tried to apologize but I will NEVER accept it! He is so clueless, he has his 3 children. My in-law that had just lost her son could not believe him.

Thanks to all for always listening and not judging

Comment by Kar on October 6, 2011 at 6:22pm

So glad that your school did that Terri,   Brad's school treated him like he did something wrong----   (He was a passenger in with my husband)  also was top of his class-   not that any of that should make a difference of course-  but-  that being said-  they told us they did not want to glamorize death & oh I cant even talk about it...   SO glad your school district has a heart ---the way it should be....    hugs

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