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Comment by Karen R. on October 23, 2011 at 9:41pm

Sweet Ammy...do NOT apologize! I know how you are feeling. Sometimes I feel like i am a ticking time bomb....ready to explode.  I toss and turn so many nights, thinking the same thing, the same dreaded thought of me feeling this way forever!, feeling like there is no way this can be my reality. Sometimes I sob and ask myself why I can NOT snap out of it, why can't I wake up out of this nightmare, I tell my self none of this ever happened. Trust me, I don't have any comforting words to offer either other than I am always willing to listen as I am sure many others a part of this dreadful group.

Comment by Ammy on October 23, 2011 at 8:38pm

Karen, I wish I could give you a real hug.  Your words about your tears tore at my heart.  As for the "triggers", I actually feel my stomach turn whenever something triggers a thought about my son's death.  It might be a commercial about something related to him or something I read.  It's just insane.  I can be okay one second and the next I'm fighting back the tears, and telling myself not to go there.  Even as I write this the tears have started to flow.  I am trying so hard, but I really am hating this life.  I'm just so tired of grief.  Anyone else feel this way?  Just tired of the whole thing?  Is this really for the rest of our lives?  I think so.  Sorry for this.  I wish I could give you all comfort, but I don't know how right now.  I'm just a mess tonight.  I shouldn't have gotten on here and I wouldn't have, but I was shutting down the puter when I saw that Karen had commented and then I had the intention of being supportive for you, Karen, and here I am falling apart.  Will just say, "Good night" and get off now.  Wishing you a peaceful night.  Hugs.

Comment by Karen R. on October 23, 2011 at 7:55pm

Hi Janice, I too go through phases where i don't want to see or talk to anyone. i couldn't agree more about what you said when people ask us "what triggered It"!!, that sounds crazy to us. I just told someone yesterday that if they NEVER mentioned my son again to me or if I NEVER saw his picture again, I would still be in pain and my heart will still remain broken, I don't need pictures or his name said to me to feel pain. I explained that when my tears are not visible on the outside, they are always flowing on the inside. Thanks for your support and everyone else's. I need you guys!

Comment by Karen R. on October 23, 2011 at 7:47pm

Lisa, Lisa lisa!.....how sweet! What a beautiful thing they did for you and your child, I know it was still hard but there is some comfort....even though it may only be a small amount, for a short time, that they cared enough to do such a gesture.

Comment by Karen R. on October 23, 2011 at 7:42pm

Just wanted to say hello Ammy and thanks for all of your continued support, it means so much.

Comment by Karen R. on October 23, 2011 at 7:41pm

Hi Lisa, so true, so well said......there is no word for a parent that has to, un- volunteerily,  part with their child. Tje pain is unmeasurable.  Many hugs back to you, thanks!

Comment by Ammy on October 23, 2011 at 10:50am

Lisa, what a heartwarming comment.  I'm really happy for you that you were shown that love even though I know how hard it must have been.

And to all of you I have been thinking of you too.  I read the comments, but some times I just have to keep quiet.  I relate to much of everything you all are going through.  I think we all have so many of these emotions and hurts in common.  It's just indescribable at times.  Try to stay strong and try to enjoy what is left in life as often as you can.  I know it's not easy, but we need those things to be able to go on.  Sending my love and cyber hugs to all.  Have a blessed day.

Comment by Lisa Adams on October 22, 2011 at 6:49pm

Last ight was senior night at Roxanne's high school.  Her classmates were so sweet, they dedicated the game to her and invited me to participate. I walked acrossthe field with the other parents and accepted a rose. Then as a surprise, they presented me with Roxanne's senior band medal. So many people in the stands were wearing purple ribbons in her honor and they had signs everywhere. I was so proud and happy that they remembered her,but it was so HARD.

Comment by Stephanie on October 22, 2011 at 4:39pm

hi my dear friends, i am feeling so comforted reading your posts. i know that those who are not in our shoes dont understand - and i know that we would never, G-d forbid, WISH them to understand.  and my mom keeps telling me people MEAN well by things they say, and i'm coming to accept that now.  but if i can share with YOU, my friends who DO understand....  it has been 3 and half years now since i lost my jessy.  i go thru phases.  recently i have been thru a dip, for about 3 months i have just been so overwhelmed in my sadness and missing jessy, i havent wanted to see people.  yesterday i finally faced friends.  they were excited to see me, and asked what happened and they been trying to call me and i dont return calls.  i explained to them that i just been in a low space.  they immediately ask "what TRIGGERED it?"  i dont know how much to stress to them that nothing necessarily "triggers" it, it just happens, and its unpredictable.  and do you know what one woman said to me?  she said, "the thing is janice, that you have 3 other children who need you. of course you'll never forget jessy, but..... "  blah blah blah.  her words faded, i didnt hear anything else.  what do people mean "you'll never forget jessy".  what a STUPID STUPID thing to say, like you said karen, jessy is not a "memory"!!!!!!   G-d, she is my CHILD, she always WILL BE!!  i get so .... grrrrrr!   i regret that i said anything to these people, and i think from now on, i'm just going to say "i'm fine thank you".  and the feelings i really feel, i will share here, with all of you, who understand.  love to you all, janice

Comment by Lisa Adams on October 21, 2011 at 9:20am

It is true that the loss of a child compares to no other pain. In 2006 I lost my father and mother with in six months of each other and then a month after my mother passed, my husband and I divorced. Up until now, I always said that it was the worst year of my life. But Roxanne's illness and death far outmeasure the pain of that year. I told someone awhile back that there was absolutlely NOTHING that anybody could ever do to me that would hurt worse. A woman that loses a husband is called a widow, a child that loses a parent is called an orphan but there is not even a word in the English language for a parent that loses a child becuase there are simply not words that can describe the pain. Hugs to everyone today. Peace

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