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Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on October 26, 2011 at 9:54am

I'm not getting any better.  I have hit the most severe depression.  The tears come and I don't even notice sometimes.  I cry all day and the pain is unbearable.  My son was my everything.  We talked all day.  I saw him every week most of the time.  He told me he loved me many times a day.  I am sad and lonely and if it wasn't for his sisters and my grandkids I wouldn't go on.  I miss his sense of humor and beautiful face and smile. Missing him is unbearable.

Comment by Grace on October 26, 2011 at 8:37am

Yes.... folks... we are here because the pain is so big that we can not share it with our at "home" friends....  that is why after 2 years of feeling all alone in my grief... I looked online for a group like this to vent my sorrow...  In my world while I felt so Alone ... I would hear others tell me that my husband grieved differently..... this may be true but I still felt ALONE in my grief because my husband was not really talking about MY Pain or even HIS.  Our Marriage has taken a beating through this.... Maybe it is because I am angry and I am reviewing my life..... Maybe it is because I feel that I have needed him Most and he is not here for me.  Or others tell me that it is not just my grief but that the rest of the family has thier own way of grieving..... Yet They seem to be moving on without me.... and I STILL NEED TO HAVE SUPPORT.

I know that even my best friend would like me to just move on... she listens but you can tell she is uncomfortable talking about my pain.

I remember that I kept all of my son's medications... still have them hid.... It is like I have kept them in reserve and have thought about taking them all and just let my pain go away.... (This has been my secret... but yet I have told others... who I am sure are alarmed that I would even think about such a thing).....  I guess the good news is that even though I know that I have those pills... I have NOT taken them ...... Maybe because I am not convinced that there REALLY IS a GOD....and I would not be "Going" any place better.... (As In, He's in a Better Place)  don't think there is one.   Maybe even though We all feel this Terrible Pain and we believe that it does not get better with time... maybe we just find more reasons NOT to take those pills?  I guess I really also feel angry  to learn of someone else "Throwing thir life away when my Son just lost his for No good reason.... just a Random Siezure.

Others who may feel like we all just ought to snap out of it... or as Karen's Daughter may think we are here to Feed Off each other... well... maybe she is right..... OR MAYBE this Group helps us all talk and feel a little more sane.... maybe just enough to stay away from those Pills for another day.

 

Comment by Lorraine on October 25, 2011 at 9:47pm

Susan, I am thinking of you.  Karen, I always enjoy reading your words; so much truth here.  people think we are "wallowing" in this, and the fact is, it is just more pain that many of us can bear.  Try our best, some days we can barely get through and it all feels like a big acting stunt getting through those days...  sending hugs to all

Comment by Karen R. on October 25, 2011 at 9:29pm

Hi Susan, I am so sorry to learn of yet another mother's pain. Hopefully somewhere, way down deep, you'll have some comfort, if only for a moment, when you see that your grand baby is happy on his/her birthday.

Comment by susan joanette wilson on October 25, 2011 at 9:14pm

i am thankful to have others that know how it feels to lose a child,  My oldest son passed nov.22,2009 I think thats the day my decent into hell began. I had a new grandbaby born a couple weeks before I really beleived that 2010 was the worst year of my life, i was having vision issues driving was getting really hard. I learned how slow things go. at the end i had learned about dying intestate and wrongful death suits. we were all waiting on checks when my little twin was struck and killed while doing community service. taking a break sitting in the bucket of a park tractor, a 29 year old child out doing drugs hit the tractor.  so the baby is turning two without his dad and my heart is broken.this summer has been terrible  hasn't been a day that i haven't thought of my sons.than i have had vision trouble,  cataracts. i was barely legal to drive in town and and only during the day' my totally great boyfriend was diagnosed with cancer He spent five weeks in a hospital 70 miles away,  the took his stomache out, i get totally overwhelmed,  i got my left eye done and it was better,  not great but better. and last week i got my right eye worked on. positive things are happening and i can't stop the tears.  Not sure how i am going to handle the baby's bday.  I didn't bury my boys i cremated and i have both of their  ashes.  in a generic urn and i can't seem to be able to put them in a real one,  i got a puppy and he has been a blessing he is a great therapy dog. poodle chiwawa mexican poodle. his name is buddy he is everybodys buddy,  very social and loves everyone. please keep me in prayers as nov gets here to soon

 

 

Comment by Karen R. on October 25, 2011 at 9:13pm

Amen Lorraine......who would actually "ENJOY" feeling like this?!  One of my daughters made me so angry one day when she told that we all all feed off of each other's sadness on this site and that I like feeling like this, she says we encourage each other's pain! Boy is she so horribly wrong, she does not get it! She has no idea how important it is to have our feelings validated. I know she means well because she doesn't like to see me in pain but she pushed me away from her....in regards to me sharing my thoughts with her about me losing my son, her brother. I too thank everyone for all of their support and understanding.  I have often described my life as hell on earth as well.  You so said it right....it does not get better, it gets longer. October 16th made my son's 2 year mark, which I still dread saying, writing, typing or thinking.

Comment by Lorraine on October 25, 2011 at 8:27pm

I am so grateful for all of you here. I am so so sad and my Silas has been gone for over 3 years now.  It doesn't get better, it just gets longer.  I relate to what all of you say here.  This is hell on earth.  I wish I felt better, and I try, I really do.  Friday I have a Halloween event for the fund for young adults with cancer that I started after losing Silas, and I have to dress up ~ a pink flamingo ~ and pretend to be happier than I am.  They eyes give it all away, don't they?  I am really down, not sure what to do about it.  Thank you for being here friends, and for understanding this turmoil and sadness.  If we could be any way other than what we are, don't people realize we would?  Do people think we actually enjoy feeling like this?  :-(

Comment by Stephanie on October 24, 2011 at 5:37pm

thanx karen for your supportive message - and ammy, never feel badly ab those feelings - we all have them. do you guys feel each tomorrow is unpredictable for you in terms of how you gonna feel?  sometimes i dont want any contact with anyone for weeks!  i sleep most of the day, i can NOT wake up.  and then, one day, for no apparent reason, i,m up and about and full of energies, clean the house, tidy up, sort, throw out, even paint!  ive tried over and over to analyse what changes... medications? what i ate? what vitamins i took? blah blah blah. and there is neva an answer.  its like i must just accept that thats how life is for me now.  i cant commit to anything. i just got to take each day and see what my state of mind and energies is.  and NO amount of "positive talking" from other people makes a difference.  they dont understand the POWER of the withdrawing or sleep or spurts of energy.  i am alone in these experiences of this life? love janice <3

Comment by Karen R. on October 23, 2011 at 9:41pm

Sweet Ammy...do NOT apologize! I know how you are feeling. Sometimes I feel like i am a ticking time bomb....ready to explode.  I toss and turn so many nights, thinking the same thing, the same dreaded thought of me feeling this way forever!, feeling like there is no way this can be my reality. Sometimes I sob and ask myself why I can NOT snap out of it, why can't I wake up out of this nightmare, I tell my self none of this ever happened. Trust me, I don't have any comforting words to offer either other than I am always willing to listen as I am sure many others a part of this dreadful group.

Comment by Ammy on October 23, 2011 at 8:38pm

Karen, I wish I could give you a real hug.  Your words about your tears tore at my heart.  As for the "triggers", I actually feel my stomach turn whenever something triggers a thought about my son's death.  It might be a commercial about something related to him or something I read.  It's just insane.  I can be okay one second and the next I'm fighting back the tears, and telling myself not to go there.  Even as I write this the tears have started to flow.  I am trying so hard, but I really am hating this life.  I'm just so tired of grief.  Anyone else feel this way?  Just tired of the whole thing?  Is this really for the rest of our lives?  I think so.  Sorry for this.  I wish I could give you all comfort, but I don't know how right now.  I'm just a mess tonight.  I shouldn't have gotten on here and I wouldn't have, but I was shutting down the puter when I saw that Karen had commented and then I had the intention of being supportive for you, Karen, and here I am falling apart.  Will just say, "Good night" and get off now.  Wishing you a peaceful night.  Hugs.

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