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Comment by Stephanie on November 1, 2011 at 5:53pm

i also hear that a lot: "everyone grieves differently". u know what? i think what they really r trying to say, is that you are NOT alone in your grief, the others are ALSO grieving, and even if we think we are alone in our terrible pain, we actually are not. u know what i mean?

however, i fully hear you - and even STILL - it doesnt change that we each have our own needs to help comfort the way WE are grieving. and if what WE need is just to be held, then there's no reason why we cant be held.

Comment by Grace on November 1, 2011 at 9:18am

I think one thing that I hear said as a retorical comment that really ticks me off.... When I say that I feel alone in my grief and I talk to my husband and family that I need support... maybe more hugs....maybe for people to not EXPECT me to be "Strong".... I hear this from my family but also from a Marriage Counselor.....  "Everyone Grieves differently."  I get so MAD!   Here I am telling people that I am Hurting and that I need some love or support and when I hear them say that it makes me feel like Everything I just spilled my guts about was for nothing... It is like hearing...."Oh... You are hurting and you need some support... well too bad girl you are not the only person hurting... buck up and get over it... everyone grieves differently.... why expect them to support you- you big baby".

When I am in the deep pit of dispair... at that moment I need support..... I can not see through my pain to think how strong I should be for others...I feel like I am Drowning and I NEED someone to help me....   When People try to get me to feel better about my husband being disconnected from me by saying that... It really does NOT solve the problem that I feel he has left me to suffer without his comforting hug.   It is as if they retorically say'People Grieve Differently" and that fixes all of my pain... did they Not Hear that I feel Alone, Abandoned, and Empty, and maybe need to feel a Hug or Support from my husband... I know he can not bring our son back ...but I NEED SUPPORT... and I need people to stop Expecting that I should be Strong enough to carry this alone.

Everyone may Grieve Differently.... BUT THIS IS MY GRIEF!  And I am crying out for you to hear MY PAIN.     Thanks for letting me vent..

Comment by Karen R. on October 31, 2011 at 9:08pm

Hi Grace and everyone. I guess what upsets me more, is when, someone......that actually knows what happened asks me how I'm doing and I respond with the "I could be better" and they say, "but why are you upset" or "Wow, you are still NOT ok?"!!

I totally get how our friends and loved ones don't like to see us in such pain because they care about our well being but it is still hurtful to me when they just want me to "STOP" like it's something I can just turn off with a switch. A lot of them don't get it, they don't get that it will NEVER be "OK", my heart will forever be broken. I don't believe that I will ever be able to accept this and I still don't why anyone would expect me to, why do I have to ?!!!  If there is something that can be said to give me comfort......I haven't heard it yet.

Thanks for listening

Comment by Grace on October 31, 2011 at 7:46pm

Hi Karen and Janice.... It has been 2  1/2 years and I guess I have the attitude that I am al least happy that people ask.... I guess it is the way they let me know that they are still thinking about me having lost my son.  Yes.. they are uncomfortable .... it is something that even we do not want to live with... such RAW pain that only we have truely felt that even in the Best of attempts for them to even TRY to Imagine they can't because it is so painful to even try to imagine your child dead.  They don't want to inflict even more pain I am sure... and they want to comfort us but really even we don't know how to find comfort for ourselves.  I know now that when I need to talk to someone at a funeral I just hug them and say " I wish I could say something to help with your pain... but there is nothing I could possibly say to make this feel better for you.... just that I am here."

There is nothing any one of these folks can do to help us... not even my husband... just be here to hold me and cry with me.... but the empty hole in my heart can not be filled by anything....  Even my best friend wants to get my mind off my pain but I understand that it is also painful for others to see our pain because they can not console us... and they feel just as helpless as we do.

and some folks (I know the school folks) do try to avoid the issue because they do not know how to respond.... maybe they need to distance themselves emotionally to keep it together to continue to do a job.

HOW AM I DOING?  Hummmm?  Well I say it has been a very difficult time for me..... and I say that if you were in my mind maybe I should be in a little padded room somedays.... and I explain that I truely inderstand that they REALLY Can Not Imagine because I do not even want this as a REALITY.  The Human Mind does not want to let this raw pain into anyones imagination.  So I agree with Karen... we need to maybe educate those folks that I believe truely want to "HELP" us but really how can they?  We are not able to be consoled because we can not even atriculate this Pain to even our own selves.....   Grace

Comment by Kar on October 31, 2011 at 6:29pm

I came up with a new answer to the  HOW ARE YOU?  -----

 <     that is a hell you really do not want to hear about.      >

.... whats your thoughts ???

Comment by Stephanie on October 31, 2011 at 6:04pm

yeh, we LITERALLY deal with what a particular day brings us. but i dont feel anyone understands that, even if i DO try to explain. i find the teachers of my other kids very critical and intolerant, even WITH explanation. and even with explanation, most people i deal with, i find, are just quite irritated with the "sorry i didnt make it for tea", or "im REALLY sorry i missed my appt", etc.

Comment by Karen R. on October 31, 2011 at 4:29pm

Hey Janice and everyone, I know what you mean about getting upset about people's insensitive remarks and comments but for me, at least for now, I will keep letting them know when they say something that upsets me because maybe if enough of us do this, more people, who fortunately for them, don't know, will spread the word....so to speak, some people do need to be educated. I do try to be a little nicer with my responses now than I use to, I still always respond with "I could be better" to the dreaded "how are you?". I do realize that most people have good intentions and may feel awkard around "us".....parents that are experiencing the loss of their child. Sometimes, people, simply just don't know what to say and that is understandable, that's why I feel like they need to be told or told to say nothing at all. Sometimes I tell people to just give me a hug. I feel like the "OTHERS"....meaning those who have NOT had to bury their child, have to learn not to take our reactions, outbursts and/or harsh or shocking words personal, it is not directed towards them. We are on a emotional rollercoaster. We may have some days when we don't want to talk at all. We just deal with what a particular day brings us.

 

Hugs to all.

Comment by Stephanie on October 31, 2011 at 3:42pm

i've realised how stupid ive been. for 3 and half years now, i get angry and upset over things people say to me, or how they react to my grief and pain. and recently i asked myself, "why am i even TELLING stuff to other people, if how they react is so upsetting to me?"  when i thought about it, i realised its because i want to SHARE. we all want to share, we want to CONNECT with other humans, thats what life is all about.  and then i read something written by a learned man, who lost a child. he wrote, in explaining how no-one else can understand this pain, "There are simply two categories of people: those who have lost a child, and those who haven't."  and i thought about this a lot. and then i realised i CAN share my pain - right HERE with you, and this is the place maybe i SHOULD connect with the people who understand.  and maybe to "other" people, i wont go into my feelings. when they ask how i am, i'll just say, "i'm fine thank you".  if they ask howcome they havent seen me in a while, or such things, i'll just say, ive been busy.  what do you think?  xxx

Comment by Karen R. on October 30, 2011 at 5:04pm

Adrianne, that one word "BROKEN" describes it all.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on October 30, 2011 at 4:59pm

Karen, 

This is exactly how I feel.  I would do anything to have my son back.  But it is not to be and the idea of this amount of suffering is more than I can tolerate.  It will get easier or it will get better isn't a choice.  Without my son I am broken.  Forever.

 

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