Comment

Comment by Karen R. on October 31, 2011 at 9:08pm

Hi Grace and everyone. I guess what upsets me more, is when, someone......that actually knows what happened asks me how I'm doing and I respond with the "I could be better" and they say, "but why are you upset" or "Wow, you are still NOT ok?"!!

I totally get how our friends and loved ones don't like to see us in such pain because they care about our well being but it is still hurtful to me when they just want me to "STOP" like it's something I can just turn off with a switch. A lot of them don't get it, they don't get that it will NEVER be "OK", my heart will forever be broken. I don't believe that I will ever be able to accept this and I still don't why anyone would expect me to, why do I have to ?!!!  If there is something that can be said to give me comfort......I haven't heard it yet.

Thanks for listening

Comment by Grace on October 31, 2011 at 7:46pm

Hi Karen and Janice.... It has been 2  1/2 years and I guess I have the attitude that I am al least happy that people ask.... I guess it is the way they let me know that they are still thinking about me having lost my son.  Yes.. they are uncomfortable .... it is something that even we do not want to live with... such RAW pain that only we have truely felt that even in the Best of attempts for them to even TRY to Imagine they can't because it is so painful to even try to imagine your child dead.  They don't want to inflict even more pain I am sure... and they want to comfort us but really even we don't know how to find comfort for ourselves.  I know now that when I need to talk to someone at a funeral I just hug them and say " I wish I could say something to help with your pain... but there is nothing I could possibly say to make this feel better for you.... just that I am here."

There is nothing any one of these folks can do to help us... not even my husband... just be here to hold me and cry with me.... but the empty hole in my heart can not be filled by anything....  Even my best friend wants to get my mind off my pain but I understand that it is also painful for others to see our pain because they can not console us... and they feel just as helpless as we do.

and some folks (I know the school folks) do try to avoid the issue because they do not know how to respond.... maybe they need to distance themselves emotionally to keep it together to continue to do a job.

HOW AM I DOING?  Hummmm?  Well I say it has been a very difficult time for me..... and I say that if you were in my mind maybe I should be in a little padded room somedays.... and I explain that I truely inderstand that they REALLY Can Not Imagine because I do not even want this as a REALITY.  The Human Mind does not want to let this raw pain into anyones imagination.  So I agree with Karen... we need to maybe educate those folks that I believe truely want to "HELP" us but really how can they?  We are not able to be consoled because we can not even atriculate this Pain to even our own selves.....   Grace

Comment by Kar on October 31, 2011 at 6:29pm

I came up with a new answer to the  HOW ARE YOU?  -----

 <     that is a hell you really do not want to hear about.      >

.... whats your thoughts ???

Comment by Stephanie on October 31, 2011 at 6:04pm

yeh, we LITERALLY deal with what a particular day brings us. but i dont feel anyone understands that, even if i DO try to explain. i find the teachers of my other kids very critical and intolerant, even WITH explanation. and even with explanation, most people i deal with, i find, are just quite irritated with the "sorry i didnt make it for tea", or "im REALLY sorry i missed my appt", etc.

Comment by Karen R. on October 31, 2011 at 4:29pm

Hey Janice and everyone, I know what you mean about getting upset about people's insensitive remarks and comments but for me, at least for now, I will keep letting them know when they say something that upsets me because maybe if enough of us do this, more people, who fortunately for them, don't know, will spread the word....so to speak, some people do need to be educated. I do try to be a little nicer with my responses now than I use to, I still always respond with "I could be better" to the dreaded "how are you?". I do realize that most people have good intentions and may feel awkard around "us".....parents that are experiencing the loss of their child. Sometimes, people, simply just don't know what to say and that is understandable, that's why I feel like they need to be told or told to say nothing at all. Sometimes I tell people to just give me a hug. I feel like the "OTHERS"....meaning those who have NOT had to bury their child, have to learn not to take our reactions, outbursts and/or harsh or shocking words personal, it is not directed towards them. We are on a emotional rollercoaster. We may have some days when we don't want to talk at all. We just deal with what a particular day brings us.

 

Hugs to all.

Comment by Stephanie on October 31, 2011 at 3:42pm

i've realised how stupid ive been. for 3 and half years now, i get angry and upset over things people say to me, or how they react to my grief and pain. and recently i asked myself, "why am i even TELLING stuff to other people, if how they react is so upsetting to me?"  when i thought about it, i realised its because i want to SHARE. we all want to share, we want to CONNECT with other humans, thats what life is all about.  and then i read something written by a learned man, who lost a child. he wrote, in explaining how no-one else can understand this pain, "There are simply two categories of people: those who have lost a child, and those who haven't."  and i thought about this a lot. and then i realised i CAN share my pain - right HERE with you, and this is the place maybe i SHOULD connect with the people who understand.  and maybe to "other" people, i wont go into my feelings. when they ask how i am, i'll just say, "i'm fine thank you".  if they ask howcome they havent seen me in a while, or such things, i'll just say, ive been busy.  what do you think?  xxx

Comment by Karen R. on October 30, 2011 at 5:04pm

Adrianne, that one word "BROKEN" describes it all.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on October 30, 2011 at 4:59pm

Karen, 

This is exactly how I feel.  I would do anything to have my son back.  But it is not to be and the idea of this amount of suffering is more than I can tolerate.  It will get easier or it will get better isn't a choice.  Without my son I am broken.  Forever.

 

Comment by Ammy on October 29, 2011 at 11:23am

Karen, I'm sorry for you too that you are feeling this way, but it does help me to know it's not just me doing and feeling these things.  Earlier this week I read a Psalm and I copied part of it and was going to post it on here because it somehow gave me comfort to know that this is not anything new.  I guess people have felt this way almost forever.  This is what it said:

I am bowed down and brought very low; all day I go about mourning.  I am exhausted and crushed;  I groan in anguish of heart.  All my longing lies before you, O Lord, my sighing (groaning) is not hidden from you.  My heart pounds, my strength fails me, even the light of my eyes is gone from me.  My loved ones and friends stay away, even my own family stands at a distance.

I couldn't have said it better myself.  It's exactly how I feel.  <3

Comment by Karen R. on October 29, 2011 at 10:17am

Dear Ammy, sometimes I am MIA, I never feel like I have any positive things to say, only that I am always willing to listen. I felt compelled to respond to you because, literally, last night, I said to God, "look, this is ENOUGH, I can't take it anymore, you supposedly have performed miracles before, can you please just make it so that all of this has been my imagination or if not, can you just give me my son back. I am sorry for any wrong I have have done to deserve this, can you please consider my good deeds and my kind heart and reward me with my son, can you please let me open my door and see him standing there so I can give him a hug, this is too much to bare, I'm tired of this! He didn't deserve this, why do we have to experience this kind of pain, why God! Was my good deeds and all my genuine acts of kindness all in vain, I have always given so much of my self to my family and friends and mostly strangers. Nursing has always been my calling and that it why I chose it to be my profession, I have always treated my patients as if they were my loved ones, this is how I am repayed! I don't want to sound selfish God, I am pleading this for ALL of us, not just me! Why can't we live forever and if not, just make it so that parents NEVER have to bury their child!" This is what I pleaded with God last night and of course to my disappointment, I still haven't gotten my son back.

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