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Comment by Lorie Dunn on November 12, 2011 at 7:21pm

Seems that a lot of us are having a difficult time right now.  I think it is the upcoming holidays.  My son, Hunter(16) died the day after Christmas.  I hate this time of year. Today has been really rough.  Feeling alone and lost without my baby.  Everything has reminded me of him today.  Commercials, a funny movie, people at the grocery store.  Everywhere I look today, there is something there that reminds me of Hunter.  The random thoughts going through my head tonight is driving me nuts.  Hopeing for a better day tomorrow.  God bless.

Comment by Karen R. on November 6, 2011 at 5:13pm

Just sending my unending love and hugs to all.

Comment by Lorraine on November 5, 2011 at 8:17pm

I am so sorry Pamela ~ it is especially difficult if you have others depending on  you to get through it all, at least I think so.  Do whatever you can to make it easier; shop online to avoid the songs and hustle & bustle.  Have others do the cooking and baking if you can.  Take care of yourself in the best ways you can; whatever that means.  I am just beginning to think about that after 3 and a half years... still not sure what it means for me, but know that I cannot keep going like this... sending hugs, Lorraine

Comment by Lorraine on November 5, 2011 at 5:55pm

I avoided coming onto the site last weekend, I have been struggling so, and just couldn't deal with anything.  Karen, I believe that we all have certain "triggers" and emotions come up around those things.  It can come at us in books, television, and out in the real world, as I'm sure we all know here.  I think holidays are hard, along with birthdays and anniversaries of our child's death.  My kids LOVE Halloween still; we used to spend hours making costumes ~ I think it's the creativity and being "someone else" for a while that holds appeal for them.  My oldest daughter still goes to Mardi Gras almost every year.  I dressed up for a Halloween event for Sy's Fund last Friday, and it was okay.  I know I would do just about anything and get past my own issues to raise money for other young adults with cancer...  because it is something that I can do to keep Sy's spirit alive and make a difference.  Still, I am on the verge of panic attacks quite frequently lately, and it has been really rough going since before Sy's birthday, which was October 5th.  Adrianne, that first  year is so difficult for holidays; I am glad my kids are older and were very understanding, as I spent both Thanksgiving and Christmas in bed the first year after Silas died.  It feels so unfair to the other kids still, but I honestly couldn't help myself.  We have learned to find our own way with it all; last year two of my daughters were here for Christmas and we watched The Golden Girls on dvd all day.  Pulled the futon out and that's where we stayed.  It was fine.  This year I honestly don't even feel like putting a tree up, so will have to see.  I can't say that holidays have gotten easier, it is all so unpredictable as to how things will go from year to year.  This reality sucks so much....every night I find myself with that feeling of losing your child in a store; the panic you have when you realize they are not here with you.... sending love to everyone here~

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on November 4, 2011 at 11:25pm

I have a women's boutique in a small mountain town. Because the kids can't walk up the mountain streets with no street lights, the business district is where they trick or treat. My son sat with me every year and he passed out the candy. He loved seeing the children in their costumes. Halloween was so difficult without him. But so will Thanksgiving and Christmas. He worked hard with me to make them special for other family members. I don't think we will celebrate them this year. Has anyone else stopped celebrating holidays? It's only been 2 1/2 months since he passed.

Comment by Lisa Adams on November 4, 2011 at 6:05pm

Karen - I have had that same experience. I did fine last weekend. I took three of Roxanne's friends to their first live theatre showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show, and it was great fun! Then Saturday a friend and I dressed up and went out and had a great time. Sunday it all changed, and I cried alot that day. I figured it was because my jerk of a boyfriend went out of town for a weekend party and didn't take me. But then I sort of lost track of a couple hours. It was scary! I went to the doctor Monday and he said that he thinks I may have had a flashback to the day Roxanne died and that it was probably brought on by the visual images of death associated with Halloween. Makes sense I guess. 

Comment by Karen R. on November 4, 2011 at 4:57pm

Hello everyone, just curious about something. I have never  been a huge celebrator of Halloween. When I was a little child, my parents took us trick or treating and we attended a few parties. However, when I became a parent, I made the choice not to have my children participate for various reasons. I say all of this to say, I don't knock anyone else who does because it's a big thing for a lot of people and I guess it's what you make it but now, and I guess it's innocent fun.  For me, since my son passed away, I dread Halloween even more. When I was in the stores prior to the "holiday", I could hardly look at anything that represented death...like the skeleton bones; coffins; "tomb stones"-grave markers.....for a few examples. I know that I am being crazy and totally irrational but seeing those items only made my broken heart ache even more. Prior to the loss of my son, I thought of these things as being just gross and gory and now, I see them as being cold and insensitive. They remind me of images that I try to block out of my mind. I know that it is totally unrealistic for me to think that "Halloween" will ever come to and end, just as it is that I get so angry that this world is going on WITHOUT my son.

Just sharing some of my crazy thoughts, has anyone else had any similar thoughts?

Comment by Stephanie on November 4, 2011 at 4:38pm

ive stopped talking to a lot of people, even those close to me, about my pain, and about jessy. cos, like you told of the tv quote, pamela, i also so often see things that totally take my breath away. and like we all have been talking about how "others" feel, i feel often that when i voice my emotion at something, i get the response, or "non-response" that kind of says, without words, "u always have to relate everything back to you and jessy".  and i feel sick that i even shared my thoughts with them. truth is, OF COURSE i relate so much to me and jessy. she was my LIFE!!  and she always will be. she is with me ALL the time.

i think its time for me to put up a blog about jessy. in that way, thats a place for me to talk "freely" of jessy, and anyone who wants to come there, those will be the people who i dont have to be "weary" of !

Comment by Lisa Adams on November 4, 2011 at 1:34pm

Janice thanks so much. You have such an eloquent way with words.

@Pamela - I have actually been on this site for quite awhile now.  I just meant that I had been silent for the past weeks, merely following the conversations because I was in too much pain to really express myself rationally.  You and I seem to be about in the same place. My daughter passed on May 24, 2011. So it would be nice to have someone to talk with that is in the same place as me.  I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son.  We were lucky that we survived the tornadoes that swept through and ravaged most of Alabama that horrible day. I am truly sorry that your family was not as fortunate. I work for The Salvation Army and witnessed first hand both the physical and emotional devastation of that day. 

The past week for me has been a huge struggle.  I never thought that Halloween would effect me the way that did. Maybe it's just something that has been building up for awhile. I've tried so hard to put on a happy face and be positive so that others around me are not made uncomfortable. But now the facade is crumbling, I'm too weary to carry it anymore.

Comment by Stephanie on November 4, 2011 at 1:09pm

dearest lisa, let the reading of the pain bring you comfort only in that you are not alone.  it is not the SAME kind of pain a few years down the line. the pain will be with us forever, but the pain itself becomes our very friend. i know it sounds weird but its true. 6 months is still VERY VERY raw, and the pain really is so gut-wrenching, but in time, it changes form, it grows and progresses WITH you, sometimes into tremendous strength in doing something, knowing that your angel is WITH you; sometimes into being an amazing support to people around you who are suffering horrible pain; sometimes wisdom and understanding, and a very deep sense of the world to come; and sometimes it also needs to be just pain, tears, and time for us to still be together as friends, to love and support each other. we will all be okay. our angels are just there before we are, cos we havent completed our jobs yet. we will be together again. lots of love, jan

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