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Comment by Kar on November 16, 2011 at 2:37pm

Oh Grace I so relate ((( HUGS )))

Comment by Grace on November 16, 2011 at 2:26pm

It was May 2009..... I am still looking for Niles... as if I misplaced him.... maybe someone took him?  Maybe if I Do>>>> they will let him come back... tears..... He isn't coming back.... he is dead and his ashes are in that drawer next to you by the bed.... Another night of sleepless dreams..... to wake up and pretend the day is "Normal"  Back to work.... THINK of something else ... get this out of my mind so I don't fall apart.... silly me.... no one wants to really know how I feel... or if I slept well...   That repeated dream of he is just gone... and I keep searching to find him....   now to go off to work and pretend I'm OK....

Comment by Ammy on November 16, 2011 at 1:25pm

Oh, wouldn't it be nice if we were just dreaming.  I'm sorry to say this, but I only believe our children are angels in our hearts.  They can't help us or they would have.  Only God, if He desires, can help and I also believe that in time He will.  Somehow, someway.  I'm just hanging here and waiting.  

Of course you all should know that I can change my mind in a minute.  I know I contradict myself.  I've been paying attention to my thought processing a little and I realize I am doing that.  I guess I go with whatever will help me in that moment.

Sometimes I believe he is in the room with me.  Right next to me.  Then I go from that to he is at rest.  Waiting for all of us to join him on resurrection day.  Today he was back in Alaska enjoying all that he loved there.  Alaska was his favorite place.  He always said he wanted to go back some day.  It must have been very special to him because it was the longest time he ever spent away from us.  He stayed there for two and a half years. 

As Karen said the other day, 'crazy'.  Well, I also feel crazy at times, but my craziness doesn't remove the pain from this hole in my heart, the missing him, the tears.  So, I guess I'm not really crazy...yet.

Oh, forgive me.  Today is Wednesday and I'm all over the place a little more than usual.  I almost want to laugh at myself.  If it wasn't so horrible, it would have to be comical.  I have gone from a strong woman to an emotionally, psychologically, damaged child.  Where do I go from here?

Hoping, wishing, praying that your day is bearable, but more than that I wish you find a smile, a good laugh at something.  Wouldn't that feel good?

Love to you all!

 

Comment by Karen R. on November 15, 2011 at 6:41pm

Thanks again Adrianne for all of your support.....many hugs!

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on November 15, 2011 at 6:38pm

Oh Karen.  I feel so bad for you.  For all of us.  I thought today that my family and friends though they mean well often tell me that he is our angel looking after us.  The problem I have with that is that my father, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, uncle and so on have gone before him. All good christians. They didn't do a very good job of looking after him or he wouldn't have passed so young.  It is hard to know what to believe.  

Comment by Karen R. on November 15, 2011 at 6:24pm

Hi everyone, I am noticing more and more that I too, am starting to convince myself that my son is just "away", I tell myself that he is fine and he will call me soon. I yell at myself and tell myself that I need to snap out of this nightmare because none of it ever happened, my son just hasn't contacted me yet.......maybe when I'm sleeping I am really awake and maybe when I am awake, I am really sleeping.!

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on November 15, 2011 at 4:33pm

Ammy, Wednesday is the most horrible day for me too.  My son died on August 17th.  A Wednesday.  

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on November 15, 2011 at 4:32pm

Thank you for responding to my question.  I found the pastor of the church I am attending to be helpful as he lost his 21 year old son 3 years ago Christmas.  He was murdered.  I don't know what I would do with a counselor except tell the same feelings I have to her/him that I have told to my family.  I too want to go to the cemetery which is why I buried him rather than spreading his ashes.  It isn't easy but where else do we visit them?  I have a candle burning by a picture daily as well.  I talked to my son about 20 times a day or more and he was help at home and with my business when I needed him.  I am lost without him.  

Comment by Frances Cope on November 14, 2011 at 6:41pm

Ammy, bless you heart.  I share your suffering and loss. Been 14 months Tuesday since our son took his life. By the grace of God we have survived.  Tried to go to counseling at a local church, missed the time.  This is my venting place!

Comment by Ammy on November 14, 2011 at 6:02pm

Karen, I think I understand.  I just had to erase everything I had written here because when I looked at it I felt like it was a lie.  I'm beginning to even confuse myself.  I am starting to just think he is away.  I noticed the last few days that when I go by his room I don't see him propped up on the bed watching TV anymore.  The room is just empty because he is away.  Yes, I agree with about being crazy.  We can be.  I guess that's part of our new 'normal' too.  But today is 16 months.  I got through most of today okay, but now it's dark here and I feel the heaviness in my chest. Fighting against the tears.  The number days and Wednesdays I always remember.  Especially Wednesday mornings when I relive those first couple of minutes of knowing he was gone.  The rest is kind of a blur.  

I am grateful for those that have found some help with counseling.  I hope things keep improving for you.  Hate to see anyone in this 'hell' of grief.

Blessings & hugs to each of you.

 

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