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Comment by Holly Jean Comstock on December 12, 2011 at 5:02pm

Karen, Thanks so much for your kind hearted welcome

Comment by Lisa Adams on December 12, 2011 at 2:55pm

Oh Grace, I know what you mean about the whole shopping thing. I got most all my gifts on-line this year.  I did go shopping with a girlfriend for her hubby and I managed to ramble around the bookstore one evening but that has been the extent of my shopping.  I can't stand to go to Wal-mart right now. I've found that my anxiety level has increased as the holidays get nearer and crowds just send me into a fit!

Comment by Grace on December 12, 2011 at 2:09pm

Lisa.... I had my Cookie party with my girlfriends yesterday too... I started it the year of my Niles death...it is the 3rd cookie thon.  It was my way to force myself to acknowledge the holiday and my friends began to come to show they were gonna help me get through the holidays... we bake... laugh and even have a few drinks... it has become an annual event that we all enjoy.   I am still not great for the whole presents and shopping but have been blessed that I began singing at a ski hill every year since his death and I get free Ski Passes.. so Cookies and Ski Passes are my gifts... and I do not have to see the shopping maddness.  But as with all of us... the Holidays are such sad melancholy times.

Holly... welcome to this group... yeah we all got some really crappy days and we all can come here unconditionally to vent....   where others are willing to listen and feel this pain....but also know that it is ok to have good days too....and celebrate them like Lisa has.... sometimes doing things to remember are great ways to validate your child's life and the significant impact that thier very existance has contributed to the world.   PEACE!

Comment by Lisa Adams on December 12, 2011 at 8:41am

Greetings Holly, Glad to meet you but so sad for yet another broken-hearted mother.

Ammy - Thanks for posting about the candle lighting! I had not heard about it and it was nice to participate.  I posted Roxanne's picture on the FB message board for CFI and was horrified by the thousands of posts from grieving parents and siblings!

I actually had a small victory yesterday.  Every Christmas Roxanne and I would have a cookie day where we would spend all day in the kitchen baking cookies and cakes and candies.  I didn't think that I would find the courage to do it this year without her.  But yesterday two of her sweet friends came and spent the day with me. We put some music on and got busy! Laughing, joking and dancing our way to some fabulous Christmas treats.  After our marathon baking spree, we went to the cememtery and lit candles for Roxanne.  I got sugar cookie scented ones.  I went back this morning at 7am and they were still burning! And the air all around her grave like cookies! It made me smile. The girls and I have decided to make this a new Christmas tradition!

Hugs to everyone today! Lisa

Comment by Karen R. on December 11, 2011 at 9:17pm

The poem below is a poem I posted many times before but I just wanted to share it with any new members that have unfortunately joined.

Comment by Karen R. on December 11, 2011 at 9:16pm

Unless you've lost a child.......then Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it. A part of us died with our child. Don't tell us they are in a better place. They are not here with us, where they belong. Don't say at least they are not suffering. We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all. Don't tell us at least we have other children. Which of your children would you have sacrificed? Don't ask us if we feel better. Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up. Don't force your beliefs on us. Not all of us have the same faith. Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years. What year would you choose for your child to die? Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear. Right now we don't feel we can handle anything else. Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain. Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child. No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things. Don't take our anger personally. We don't know who we are angry at or why and lash out at those closest to us. Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room. We are in pain, but not deaf. Don't stop calling us after the initial loss. Our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us. Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away. We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others. Don't tell us to get on with our lives. We each grieve differently and in our own time frame. Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar. Do say you are sorry. We're sorry, too, and you saying that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Just say you're sorry. Do put your arms around us and hold us. We need your strength to get us through each day. Do say you remember our child, if you do. Memories are all we have left and we cherish them. Do let us talk about our child. Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever. Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings. Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process. Cry with us if you want to. Do remember us on special dates. Our child's birth date, death date and holidays are a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child. Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child. We do. Do show our family that you care. Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain. Do be thankful for children. Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain.

Comment by Karen R. on December 11, 2011 at 9:02pm

Hello Dick, so sorry to hear of yet another loss. I have not been on in quite awhile so I am scrolling through the postings. I have said many times on this site that I feel like my son and I were robbed of his young life, he was 21 yrs old, I made the 2 yr mark a couple of months ago and i am still very angry and my pain is just as heavy as the day that I was told that there was nothing else they could do for my son. If you have the time to scroll through, you will see many of my postings. Since I have been a member, I have not noticed too many fathers sharing their feelings with us, some people seem to think that men and women grieve differently but I think a parent is a parent. Once again, I am so sorry to here that yet another parent has joined this group. I am always willing to listen, that's the best support I can offer because I certainly don't have any encouraging words.

Many hugs!

Comment by Karen R. on December 11, 2011 at 8:40pm

My relationship started to heal about 3 months ago. My husband and I are still living separate but it's better for me this way.......not for him. My husband has learned and is still learning to just leave me be.....so to speak.  meaning he is not on this mission of constantly wanting to protect me by telling me to stop crying all the time, or hiding my son's pictures or telling me to move on. His actions were only inferiorating me and made me resent him because he made me feel like he was being insensitive and that he didn't care. He realizes that now. Now he will simply hold me or just wipe my tears away. I am not strong enough for us to live together under the same roof yet. Sometimes he doesn't know what to say or what not to say, and i do feel bad for that because none of this is not his fault, he was very supportive, in his own way, throughout my son's hospital stay in ICU and after his passing. It is hard for him to see me in such pain, I felt like I needed to give him a break from all of my gloom. He is not my son's biological father but he did love my son.

Comment by Karen R. on December 11, 2011 at 8:25pm

Greetings Holly, I would also like to welcome you. I am sorry to hear of your tremendous loss. I am usually on this site everyday. If you scroll through, you will see many of my postings. I am still suffering from the the loss of my 21yr old son. Unfortunately, you have INVOLUNTARILY joined our sad "club". For me, it has not become easier only longer. I reached the 2 yr mark a couple of months ago. It will never be "OK", what happened will never be "ACCEPTABLE" to me, it just won't. He's my son and I want and need him here! I can honestly say that this site/ these members, have helped keep me out of the pysch unit. It means so much to have all my feelings and thoughts validated and not judged.

Sending many hugs to you and everyone.

Comment by Karen R. on December 11, 2011 at 8:16pm

Just saying hello to everyone! I have not been on in quite awhile. Finally got my computer working......hope it lasts.  I missed evryone terribly. Now I have to get caught up and read everyone's postings......boy, I missed alot! I'm back!

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