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Comment by Kar on December 20, 2011 at 12:16pm

Hurting - Hurting - Hurting -   Wishing all of you strength to endure this time of year that  high-en most of our pain as others joyfully celebrate..  when all we want to do is rewind time....    (( tight hugs everyone ))  

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on December 20, 2011 at 11:36am

Went to the cemetery yesterday to decorate my son's grave.  It was so difficult.  I would have never thought last year at Christmas that this year my gifts to him would be decorations on his grave.  I am just broken.  So many decorated.  Some had large trees, even as high as 4 feet.  With lights.  So many broken people.  

Comment by Karen R. on December 20, 2011 at 11:10am

Just saying hello and sending many hugs to everyone.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on December 19, 2011 at 1:11am

Reading all your posts and I realize I could be writing every one of them. Don died 4 months ago yesterday. Every day feels like a month. To endure from morning to bed. We talked all day. Or text all day. I carry my phone around as if I will get a call from him. I think if I just let go, I could die of a broken heart.

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on December 18, 2011 at 8:50pm

I miss my son.  It's my first Christmas without him in it.  I put up the tree and bought a wolf ornament in memory of him.  We have other ornaments he had made in grade school.  Those are hanging next to the beautiful angel we hang up every year.  My heart aches, it's hollow and lacks joy this year.  I miss his smiling face, his playing his guitar and piano.  Yes, we're all not the same people we were.  All of us have experienced a terrible loss.  We've experienced the kind of grief that cuts to the core of our souls.  So no, I'm not the same person I was prior to March 3rd, 2011.  I'll never be that person again.  For 2012, who will I be?  I hope a better person.  I hope I find some kind of peace.  I hope I gain strength from this god awful nightmare.  I pray we all find peace this Christmas day.  I pray that a guiding light finds its way into our hearts and begin the healing process even if it's just a little bit.  Hugs to all of you.

Comment by Karen R. on December 18, 2011 at 7:52pm

Hello to all, I love lillies by the valley, thanks for posting that suicide hotline number. And Karen I too feel like I died with my son. None of this is ever going to be "ok". I am still amazed how somehow I get through each day. Bedtime is still the worse for me, that's when my torment multiplies. I have been exhausted everyday for that last years since the loss of my son, I watch tv to distract me but I toss and turn all night. I have to confess that I often get up and go down stairs to the kitchen hoping to fine my son raiding the refrigerator or using the microwave, i still look out the window searching for him. I still send him text messages, no longer calling his cell because I cant stand to hear that message-"no longer in service". And Lorraine, you probably know that I have also said many times that I refer to my son in the present tense when I speak about him to friends and family because he will always be my son, he had a life, he wasn't a figure of my imagination. Maybe I am a little harsh but I really don't worry about who feels "uncomfortable" when I refer to my son in the present tense. I certainly don't enjoy making people feel uneasy but I am going to worry about it. I only hope that they don't experience this type of pain in their lifetime.

It's amazing, I use to love to dance and have a good time but now, no matter what the occasion, I simply cant do it, absolutely no desire. I couldn'y even dance at my own daughter's weddind! and that was a happy occasion. I know that it's it's no one's fault but when I watch people dance and laugh, I sit and watch and I say to my self, what is wrong with these people, don't they know that my son passed away?!!! Don't they know how unimportant that is?!! Don't they know that my son is in the 'friggin' ground all alone because his life was robbed from him?!! Or, I'll just become so overwhelmed and start to cry because think of how much my son enjoyed parties and music and dancing, especially at family gatherings. Sometimes guilt alone will stop me from having a "good" time, I'll feel like my son will think that I have forgotten him.

Thanks for letting me ramble on and vent, my children tell me that oneday I will be able to dance again.

Comment by Lorraine on December 18, 2011 at 6:56pm

I always add my son when people ask, Anna, since he will always be my son.  People get so awkward about these things; we sometimes are made to feel uncomfortable because others can't handle it.  As if life isn't changed enough, some people feel that we should forget about our beautiful children.  It's not going to happen, and that is why I am happy we have each other to talk with here.  Hugs to all

Comment by anna l. on December 18, 2011 at 1:07pm

Karen I understand just what you mean when you say the old you died with your son.  It feels exactly like that. The life I had 2 years ago is not the life I have now, nor will it ever be that life again. How can it?  Now instead of easily saying I have 4 children, 3 boys and one girl, it stops me in my tracks as I try and decide how to answer that question.  I end up saying I had 4 children.  Plus now I have another empty spot in my heart where the piece that belonged to my darling husband used to be.  Nope, life is not the same.  The path is forever changed.   

Comment by Robin Jone on December 18, 2011 at 1:07pm

I just went to church this morning for the first time in a very long time. It was good for me, many tears, but hopefully will help me during this horrible painful time. I asked the pastor to please pray for my son, me and all my family and friends who are grieving at this time. The last few days I have cried so many tears. Friday would have been Zach's 24th birthday. We had many of his friends over, and several of my daughters' friends over too to help celebrate Zach's birthday. It was a very difficult day but  having the people who loved Zach her so very much was helpful. We got balloons and everyone who wanted to wrote a message to Zach on a balloon and then we let them go. My granddaugther, Lucy, really wanted to do that to send her Uncle Zach a message. We also had a slide show playing on our tv with pictures of many happy times shared with Zach over the years. If you wanted to sit and watch you could, or you didn't have to if it was too painful. I still can't believe he is isn't here, but when I look at my arm where I have the tattoo that I got in his memory I know it must be true. I pray for all my friends on this site who are grieving during the holiday season. I pray that we all chose to be survivors, and that we stick together and help each other through this. I pray for Sandy and her family, so much sadness for them, I can't even imagine. Big hugs to you all my friends, we can make it through one day, one moment at a time, we do not have to do it alone. Robin

Comment by Kar on December 18, 2011 at 8:58am

Thinking of all who visit this page for support, understanding, to vent -  &  of all our loved ones so VERY VERY MISSED.    

I hate this time of year- The tears are a constant stream down my face until I get this hard feeling that is so dead inside- but, I function that way-  so it is the better place to be I suppose.  So would people rather see tears OR  a person so dead inside... hummm.  ???      neither - but- the old me died with my son,  why don't they understand that?.  

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