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Comment by Karen R. on December 24, 2011 at 2:56pm

Hello everyone, just feeling like my usual sad self, it;s getting harder for me to hold my tears when I am out in public. The "normal" rustle and bustle of everyone's life is really driving me nuts. It all just makes me feel how much people take life for granted. It reminds me how I took for granted that I would always have ALL of my children and they would bury me. When I went out to the store yesterday, I became so overwhelmed with sadness, it was like every young man I saw reminded me of my son, it's like I made them all look my son, regardless of their age or their ethnicity......I felt absolutely crazy. I had a panic attack, I have had so many. I so envious of any one I saw with their son. The crazy thing is I still have a son who is now 17yrs old and most people would think that he would help fill my void but the truth is, one child does NOT replace another.....it doesn't work like that.  If my younger son would have been the one I loss, my older son who is gone now, would not replace him either. The intensity of my pain would be the same for any of my children. I am so angry and for the past 2 years, bedtime is still the absolute worse for me, I lay there thinking of a way I can still "fix" this. When the morning comes, I am so exhausted and then I want to sleep all day so I can't think of my pain. My 7 yr old is my saving grace, she worries so much about me so I hide my torment has much as I can from her. Sometimes I find a place to hide if she is at home and weep quietly. She's the force that gets me through each day. Not that the older ones don't need me, she just needs me a lot more. I have to do her hair and help her with homework and I volunteer at her school, she is more needy.

Just really, really sad, feels like my tears won't stop. Thanks guys for listening.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on December 24, 2011 at 10:46am

Mary Elizabeth,

I too lost my son this August.  I am so sorry. All of us know your pain.  My prayers are with you and all of us today and tomorrow.  This is difficult enough. Christmas without our children is especially painful.  

Comment by Robin Jone on December 24, 2011 at 9:34am

Thank you Rosie for that idea. I too will light a candle in my son's memory and for all of us who have lost a loved one. Peace be with you all. Robin

Comment by Dick on December 24, 2011 at 9:20am

Merry Christmas, Danny.

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on December 24, 2011 at 8:46am

Tonight at 9 central time, I am going to light a candle.  After it is lit, I will close my eyes and think of my son, and all the sons and daughters we have mentioned here in this forum.  I will pray that somehow they all have met since their souls are tied to this group here in this forum through us.    Peace to us and light to our loved ones lost.  And let there be a soft light that shines on each and everyone of us tonight filled with our child's love and maybe for just a little while....our sadness subsides, our heavy hearts sigh, our tears stop, our soul reflects  Namaste to you my friends.

Comment by Mary Elizabeth Dolnick on December 24, 2011 at 8:43am

Hi my name is Mary and I am new to this group. I just lost my son Dan to brain cancer in Aug and I am having such a hard time coping with it especially now at Christmas.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on December 23, 2011 at 11:52pm

Pain sucks. Stuck in my store with all the merry merry. Tired of pretending. Nothing is merry without my boy. Not going to my huge Italian family's Christmas Eve. Not having my girls and grandkids over for breakfast. They will come here on Christmas eve. Dinner and presents. I will go to the cemetery on Christmas.

Comment by Robin Jone on December 23, 2011 at 11:18pm

Went to get all the little stocking stuff today. I usually love do that, this time it was so hard could not make a decision about what to get. Does anyone else have that problem now, can't make a decision, have a hard time remember things? Every year I have bought these mints with the brand name "Zachary" on them and put them in Zach's stocking. I looked all over the store for them. Seems like such a silly thing, but when I got in my car I just cried over them not having the mints. Changing things up a little this year, going to my daughter's house for Christmas morning to open gifts and then they will come to our house for dinner later. Looking forward to spending time with my granddaugthers, but I will be so glad when I can put Christmas behind me. Thinking of all of you who are missing a loved one this Christmas, I pray that you will have some peace and joy. God bless. Robin

Comment by Lisa Adams on December 23, 2011 at 8:01am

My first Christmas without my Roxanne.  I've been throwing myself into doing "things". Anything to distract myself from the inevitable pain.  I've cooked so much, my cookware is screaming for mercy! Working for the Salvation Army, Christmas has always been a very busy and stressful time for me but this year I welcomed it, because it distracted me. Today my son comes home for a few days! I can't wait to throw my arms around him and hold on!  

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on December 23, 2011 at 12:14am

It is the first Christmas. Don passed away 4 months ago. I never thought I would not see the magic in Christmas. I can't believe he's gone. I'm worn out from the pain.

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