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Comment by Lorraine on December 26, 2011 at 8:36pm

Dick, I couldn't do anything for the holidays the first year after Silas died.  I stayed in bed and cried.  The second year was a little better, I was able to get out of bed & my girls and I pulled the futon out and watched comedy dvd's for Christmas...  We then went to NH to visit a friend of Sy's; after that I fell apart.  Cried a lot that year too.  this year I have been a little stronger & able to force myself to do a few things; shop with my daughter, have a few people over at Christmas (no entertaining though), and bake a little.  I did fall apart for a bit last night, with realizing the enormity of Sy's being gone.  I don't feel like doing much, and I try really hard to listen to my inner feelings and not push it too much.  Go easy on yourself.  You are not the same person you were before losing your son; and will never again be that person.  But maybe in a few years time you will be able to go out for a bit.  I know that the pain will never be gone, I am beyond thinking that, in fact I knew from the moment I lost Silas that it would be a part of me always.  But I can put out a bit more energy now before I fall apart.... sending hugs to all

Comment by Karen R. on December 26, 2011 at 8:30pm

Hey Dick, I know how you feel, its hard for me to watch other people enjoy theirself when I feel so destroyed, so broken. Maybe you can attend for a short while so you can say that you made a appearence.

Comment by Dick on December 26, 2011 at 8:24pm

Two invites to New Year parties and I don't feel like going to any. I don't feel like partying; I like being alone now. 

Funny how a death of a close one will change you. I used to be hard charging, outgoing and life of the party...jokes, dancing, magic... I don't have the life I used to. I would rather be alone now with my thoughts.

Comment by Karen R. on December 26, 2011 at 7:58pm

Hey Adrianne, so sorry to hear that, I know those feelings that you must be having all to well. Our lives are constantly up and down.......I'm sure mostly down. There is nothing anyone could say to make it all "BETTER" but at least know that we all care and validate all of your feelings. If I could, I would give you a big hug.....for real! I cry with everyone on this site as I read your postings. So sorry sweetheart. I wish we lived in a 'perfect' world.

Comment by Karen R. on December 26, 2011 at 7:49pm

Hey Ammy, thanks for your words of encouragement, we all need that.

Many hugs.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on December 26, 2011 at 7:47pm

I am more depressed today than all of the days leading up to and on Christmas day.  

Comment by Ammy on December 26, 2011 at 7:44pm

Oh wow, I have been thinking of you all for the last week or more.  I just couldn't bring myself to get on here.  I relate to all your comments and more.  I also made it through our Christmas eve get together, but in reality I wasn't there.  I went through the motions, but have no idea of what was going on.  Did the same as on Thanksgiving by keeping busy and not sitting at the table while everyone ate.  It's the only way I can get through these holidays.  I finally went out to visit at my sister-in-law's home.  That was even harder.  Broke down as soon as we walked in.  I'm such a mess.  Can't wait for the new year to start so I can just get back to the 'normal' daily messes that I'm adjusting to.  At least I do get some days of being okay then.  I hate to say it, but this never ends.  I think we just adjust to living with it and it becomes a part of us where it doesn't seem as bad all the time.  I also couldn't comment on here since we lost Sandy.  I had such mixed feelings when I read what happened.  Those that were able to have good days, I am truly happy for you.  I know we don't get them often enough, so I say enjoy them when they are there.  Blessings, love, and big hugs all around.  Especially to our new members.  I want to say it's nice to meet you, but I'm so sorry you had to come here.  ♥ * •. ¸ ♥ ♥ ¸ • *  ♥

Comment by Grace on December 26, 2011 at 10:48am

Lorie... I have had those same feelings when I see kids that are the age my son should be..... how some have survived and I hear people proclaim that GOD has "Blessed" them and I wonder Why I was not given such Mercy.  One of my cousin's kids has survived Lymphoma... they were riding that scary ride od losing him... yet he has survived and I wonder if they even know what they have been given..... another friend from school has a son who has beeen in a terrible accident... lost the lower part of his leg and still is in the hospital fighting...but looks like he is going to live.... And wonder how did they dodge this club?

why do other folks mundane complaints make me think ..."Hey your troubles are small in comparison to ours"....  petty really.    Well congratulations Everyone.... Most of us have made it to the other side of Christmas... but Sandra weighs heavy on my heart.  

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on December 26, 2011 at 8:58am

Robin, it was the same for me on Christmas day.  I found some joy being around my family.  My son, daughter-in-law, granddaughters came  out.  My sister, niece and nephew also came out.  We found some peace having them over.  But in the evening, we had our moments as Sam's memories would flood in.  My sister and son sat in Sam's room.  My son was crying.  My sister came out of Sam's room and said that she found Sam's room very peaceful in there.  His presence is there.  Pictures, his framed nine inch nails tshirt, his guitars, keyboard and his favorite Wolf blanket.  I go in there a lot as well, just to sit and reflect.  I miss you Sam.  I love you son.  Lorie, I totally understand about your feelings seeing your son's friends.  It hurts sometimes, seeing them all growing up.  Today, I told myself I'm going to rest and just reflect and hold my son in my heart.  Namaste my friends.

Comment by Mary Elizabeth Dolnick on December 26, 2011 at 8:46am

Well I made it through yesterday and I think I did well....only cried a few times, if you asked my husband he would say different. The hoidays just seemed to intensify things. My Dan loved to cook a big dinner on Christmas so I just coudn't bring myself to do that.....I thank you Dan for giving me the strengh that I prayed for to get me through the day, now get me through life....LOve you Mom

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