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Comment by coachlouise on January 4, 2012 at 3:03am

I find that the expectation of a holday is harder than when it actaully comes. Then when it is over I feel a sadness return. On Christmas night I tried to remember the song I wrote for my son four years before in my mourning year. I could not remember it, which really bothered me, suddenly four years seemed like ten. Finally the song came to me. 

Silver Light Silver Light I can taste the tears I cry, every tear is my love for you every night I sing to you. 

Silver Light Silver Light I cried enough tears to make a river to you, God know I do anything to bring you back again

Don't judge it just trust it leads me to you, sadness leads to anger and takes me away from you

Silver Light Silver Light my love I send you kisses to night

I was singing it outside on a new moon when I suddenly saw a light in the forest, I though someone is shinning a flashlight at me. I stared to feel scared. But at the same time wanted to figure it out so I walked towards it and then it went away. I went in the house. The next night when I went out to sing my song to my son again I realized that what I was singing is what I saw Silver Light, I thanked him for visiting me. 

We are not use to paying attention to signs, they are easy to miss, but once you believe in one, you will have more. 

After four years and many signs, many gifts from growing through this it  still has moments in my everyday life that bring tears of love either outwardly or inside.

For all of you my heart reaches out to send you love, and compassion 

Comment by Dick on January 3, 2012 at 10:36pm

This is not relief but it is understanding. I have been going to Compassionate Friends meeting. This group is for parent, siblings and grandparents of children that have passed. They are all over the U.S. that I know of, I am looking forward to the meeting next week.

Comment by Dick on January 3, 2012 at 10:32pm

Adrianne, I have not found relief yet. You will be the first to know when I find it.

Drinking definitely not it, I only feel worse. I have given it up.

Comment by Dick on January 3, 2012 at 10:27pm

The Hangover Part 2 is on DVD, the last movie I saw with Danny. I always think of time as before and after Danny. Time is an odd concept to me now; seems to move slowly now. 

Days are long.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 3, 2012 at 9:48pm

Has anyone found any relief reading about the afterlife?

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 3, 2012 at 9:47pm

I understand the what if's. In my situation it's a lot of guilt. My son and I were so close that we fought a lot. I was worried about him. He had a tough life. I'm responsible for some of it. Though I did not know that some of my choices ended up hurting him badly. Don and I talked all day. Sometimes in to the night. I'm really hurting. I didn't understand his pain. This pain is so difficult.

Comment by Grace on January 3, 2012 at 8:26pm

Sorry you had a difficult Day Dick....  I think we are all haunted by the what ifs.... somedays hits you with a big wave of emotions.....   My son was 14... what if  He would not have started his day drinking water?  Have the siezure?  He was coming out of it... what if they did not give him the drug he was allergic to?  What if we would have just turned the car around and detoured that hospital altogether?  What if that DR would have just given him an Epi Shot?  What if I was not at Wal-Mart shopping for our Picnic for that Day?

What if those Doctors would have know all of this 6 months earlier when we had air lifted him then?  What if ... What If...  I continue to have what ifs and it is 2  1/2 years later and non of those what ifs has changes the WHAT IS.....

If you have some faith (Lord Knows mine is Really the Mustard Seed) you may need to believe that God is in charge of all of the What Ifs... and the WHAT IS was God's Game Plan all along... and there is no way we could have made any of those what if changes that torture us. 

Comment by Karen R. on January 3, 2012 at 8:20pm

Sorry Dick, I understand, my heart is heavy with the loss of my son also. I have bad days and not so bad days. Too bad we don't live in a perfect world where we would NEVER know this pain. I suffer with the 'what ifs' all the time, I blame myself a lot. I feel like I helped my son's demise by agreeing to donate his kidney. I regret doing it now. I know it may sound irrational but I can't get rid of my guilt.

Sending a big hug.

Comment by Lorraine on January 3, 2012 at 8:17pm

Dick, sorry this has been a difficult day for  you.  The what if's are so difficult.  So much more we wished for our children to experience in life... it just sucks.  Hang in there my friend, best as you can

Comment by Dick on January 3, 2012 at 8:05pm

Today was a bad day. I have been nauseated all day thinking about my son. He could have done so much more in his life; but it was cut short. I keep thinking about what if and what I could have done differently.

We were going to start a business together; but he had not finished his post graduate. I just keep thinking about what if. It is weighing heavily on me now; almost like a stone on my chest. It is hard to breathe.

We have a minister at my company and he came by to pray with me. I think this is what got me down, not his fault, mine. The stone company called with the bench and when to deliver it. Just a lot of moving parts.

Just down today.

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