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Comment by Grace on January 4, 2012 at 1:42pm

Well my marriage has taken a bad Beatin Dick... It is hard for me to feel like I am the only one losing my mind in grief... The rest of the people in this house seem to have it all figured out.  ... Including my 2 audult children..... and this is where I have others come in to tell me they are all grieving "Thier Own Way"....  including my husband.... however   .... I'm not feeling it with them... but boy I feel the criitics here telling me how I am just   this or that....  I have been having the Should I conversation.... Should I stay or Should I go???? Seems like no one would miss me if I were gone...  I have said how unhappy I am and to most of us you know when we talk about our kids that are dead peole like to just change the subject and act like they should just ignore us completely and maybe I will just get my mind on something else and if I just don't think about my Niles I would be just fine.     It doe not help when my husband wonders if he should have been paying more attention to Niles instead of getting our boat ready for the lake when he was drinking the water that may have helped trigger the siezure.... While I was at Wal-Mart shopping for food.    Again Dick those WHAT IFs Haunt all of us.....

f you would have never married Your right... You would not have had Danny and you would not be here.....  but then agaiin.... YOU WOULD NOT HAVE HAD DANNY..... and ALL THAT HE IS to You Now.....Hugs

Comment by Dick on January 4, 2012 at 11:01am

Bad case of "What Ifs" today, hard night as well; I'm tired now. What was the trigger since yesterday? I really need to shake it, I have not had this feeling in a while. I am having a hard time concentrating on work.

I have even regressed to my "What if I had never married?"; this was my original plan. Would I have even more regrets now, would I be happier, would I be free? I hate feeling bad.

Comment by coachlouise on January 4, 2012 at 3:03am

I find that the expectation of a holday is harder than when it actaully comes. Then when it is over I feel a sadness return. On Christmas night I tried to remember the song I wrote for my son four years before in my mourning year. I could not remember it, which really bothered me, suddenly four years seemed like ten. Finally the song came to me. 

Silver Light Silver Light I can taste the tears I cry, every tear is my love for you every night I sing to you. 

Silver Light Silver Light I cried enough tears to make a river to you, God know I do anything to bring you back again

Don't judge it just trust it leads me to you, sadness leads to anger and takes me away from you

Silver Light Silver Light my love I send you kisses to night

I was singing it outside on a new moon when I suddenly saw a light in the forest, I though someone is shinning a flashlight at me. I stared to feel scared. But at the same time wanted to figure it out so I walked towards it and then it went away. I went in the house. The next night when I went out to sing my song to my son again I realized that what I was singing is what I saw Silver Light, I thanked him for visiting me. 

We are not use to paying attention to signs, they are easy to miss, but once you believe in one, you will have more. 

After four years and many signs, many gifts from growing through this it  still has moments in my everyday life that bring tears of love either outwardly or inside.

For all of you my heart reaches out to send you love, and compassion 

Comment by Dick on January 3, 2012 at 10:36pm

This is not relief but it is understanding. I have been going to Compassionate Friends meeting. This group is for parent, siblings and grandparents of children that have passed. They are all over the U.S. that I know of, I am looking forward to the meeting next week.

Comment by Dick on January 3, 2012 at 10:32pm

Adrianne, I have not found relief yet. You will be the first to know when I find it.

Drinking definitely not it, I only feel worse. I have given it up.

Comment by Dick on January 3, 2012 at 10:27pm

The Hangover Part 2 is on DVD, the last movie I saw with Danny. I always think of time as before and after Danny. Time is an odd concept to me now; seems to move slowly now. 

Days are long.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 3, 2012 at 9:48pm

Has anyone found any relief reading about the afterlife?

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 3, 2012 at 9:47pm

I understand the what if's. In my situation it's a lot of guilt. My son and I were so close that we fought a lot. I was worried about him. He had a tough life. I'm responsible for some of it. Though I did not know that some of my choices ended up hurting him badly. Don and I talked all day. Sometimes in to the night. I'm really hurting. I didn't understand his pain. This pain is so difficult.

Comment by Grace on January 3, 2012 at 8:26pm

Sorry you had a difficult Day Dick....  I think we are all haunted by the what ifs.... somedays hits you with a big wave of emotions.....   My son was 14... what if  He would not have started his day drinking water?  Have the siezure?  He was coming out of it... what if they did not give him the drug he was allergic to?  What if we would have just turned the car around and detoured that hospital altogether?  What if that DR would have just given him an Epi Shot?  What if I was not at Wal-Mart shopping for our Picnic for that Day?

What if those Doctors would have know all of this 6 months earlier when we had air lifted him then?  What if ... What If...  I continue to have what ifs and it is 2  1/2 years later and non of those what ifs has changes the WHAT IS.....

If you have some faith (Lord Knows mine is Really the Mustard Seed) you may need to believe that God is in charge of all of the What Ifs... and the WHAT IS was God's Game Plan all along... and there is no way we could have made any of those what if changes that torture us. 

Comment by Karen R. on January 3, 2012 at 8:20pm

Sorry Dick, I understand, my heart is heavy with the loss of my son also. I have bad days and not so bad days. Too bad we don't live in a perfect world where we would NEVER know this pain. I suffer with the 'what ifs' all the time, I blame myself a lot. I feel like I helped my son's demise by agreeing to donate his kidney. I regret doing it now. I know it may sound irrational but I can't get rid of my guilt.

Sending a big hug.

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