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Comment by Ammy on January 12, 2012 at 11:51am

I remember those early months Adrianne.  Even though it is still hard I would not want to go back there.  Grace, your comment scares me even though I've felt this would not ever get completely better.  I still feel exhausted from it all.  I read something someone wrote and I guess it's going to be truth ... at least for some time to come.

The death of a child, young or old, is the worst thing which can happen to a parent. It tears your heart out and changes your life forever.  I call it a life sentence, where every day you're led to the gas chamber,  electric chair, or to the room where they give you a lethal injection, only to be told at the last minute that it's been postponed until tomorrow.  And you start again. 

A life sentence.  We've all been sentenced, but for what?  Why?  

Comment by Grace on January 12, 2012 at 5:22am

It has been more than 2  1/2 years since I lost my son and even 29 years since my 1 st husband.... I don't think you will ever come accross something even by accident that won't remind you of them.    for me it was a Valentine's Day Card around Valentine's Day from Steve (Husband)..... or those knicks in the wall from (Son) Niles... how do you ever paint over those memories?  I have felt those very same emotions Ammy... and I still do for the most part.... even 29 years later.... There was a TV show on about Hunting that reminded me of how Steve loved to hunt.... I am a little tougher to be able to watch it now with remebering him with love but still amazed how many years have passed and how I have had such a totally new chapter in my book of life....

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 11, 2012 at 11:39pm

Ammy
I cleaned out my freezer today. Found the last of my sons big stick ice creams that he bought when he was here recovering from his surgery over the summer. Who would have thought that could mess me up so badly. I know I won't forget the love. Nor the pain of losing him. But I'm scared I won't remember his humor, posture or the daily things about him I took for granted. I'm tired too. It will only be 5 months on the 17th. I can't imagine doing this much longer.

Comment by Ammy on January 11, 2012 at 10:09pm

ImTired.jpg

Comment by Ammy on January 11, 2012 at 9:58pm

I was able to throw out some of my son's food today.  Why was that so hard?  Every time I have to let go of another thing it's like letting him go and soon he won't be anymore.  Will he fade away?  I can't imagine that, but letting things go feels like I'm letting him fade.  I don't know how to handle these emotions.  Am I going crazy or am I already crazy.  78 weeks today, and on the 14th it will be 18 months.  A year and a half and I don't know where I've been during that time.

Existing?  Yes, that is what I am doing too, and I'm tired of it.  Every day just seems blah.  Between the being okay and the crying, the ups and the downs, I truly feel exhausted and I can't stop thinking.  I don't want to wake up anymore to this nightmare.  I'm tired......

Comment by Dick on January 11, 2012 at 4:32pm

My wife and I will be going to Compassionate Friends tonight; make me feel a bit better afterwards.

Regards,

 

Comment by Lisa Adams on January 11, 2012 at 3:49pm

Me too Adrianne.  I am so blasted tired. Just worn out.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 11, 2012 at 1:16pm

Feel like I am "existing" rather than living.  

Comment by anne on January 9, 2012 at 11:56pm

I truly believe the words " accept the things I cannot change". I cant go back and change any of it, Nothing I say or do will bring my children back to me, so I really have no other choice. I guess I could greive till I die but what message does that send to my daughters and my grandchildren? I love my boys and I will always love and remember them. They will always be in my heart and on my mind. A love like that never goes away. So I chose to accept it all. I still have times of sorrow, anger, pain and wonder but I refuse to allow it to consume any more precious time. I cannot change whats happened, but I sure as heck can control how much  time is spent feeling bad. I know my sons would want me to live laugh and love to the best of my ability for them and for the people we love here on earth.. Anything is possible.

Comment by Karen R. on January 8, 2012 at 2:17pm

Hey Lorrraine,  thanks to you also for your support. I really read into what you said, I also have felt like here is something bigger me, greater than us all. I really would like to believe that this great power, God, energy, does NOT "allow" these things to happen. And I agree about what happened to be given the option to get better. We are definately not perfect and why should we be punished for being less than that? The night that the doctor told me that there was nothing else they could do for my son, I felt defeated and than i felt like I was being punished. I couldn't think of why else I would be experiencing such pain that was powerful enough to kill me. I started feeling like all of my "good" deeds were all in vain, I was angry that my son was not given another chance by this "Great Power". Maybe it just happened because we are less than perfect and this world is simply fu@k!d up! Whatever  the reason, there is no accectable reason to me. I have also experienced panic attacks as you described......not a good feeling. I know how hard it must be to perform at work as if you are "OK" because just because they don't see the tears flowing on the outside, they are always flowing on the inside.

SENDING HUGS TO ALL.

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