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Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 12, 2012 at 10:39pm

I wish I had been with him at the end.  Not just after he passed. To see him after he was gone would have been more than I could endure.  I understand how your wife feels Dick.  Is she your son's mother?  If so, how is she doing?  My husband is not my son's father though he had him for over 30 years.  He is not comfortable with my pain and crying.  He does not know what to say or do.  And like Karen it is hard that no one wants to hear about it anymore.  This has changed who I am.  I will no longer be the same friend/sister/daughter that I was before.  I wonder sometimes how they could expect more of me, but I realize that until you are part of this horrific club you have no idea how horrible you will feel.  

Comment by Dick on January 12, 2012 at 10:29pm

My wife told me tonight she did not want to lose me to a broken heart. 

I watched a program about the French Foreign Legion, Danny wanted to join to prove himself; I talked him out of it. I wish I had let him follow his heart now.

Comment by Lorraine on January 12, 2012 at 8:33pm

I had a full blown panic attack last week with flashbacks to my son's last moments.  Still, like Dick, I am glad that I was with him at the end, and when he let out his last breath he smiled.  So tragic, and yet I believe that at that moment he felt that the doctors finally found the cure for his cancer and he was no longer in pain...  It is so hard to get rid of things that were my son's as other people here have said.  I still have corn dogs in the freezer from 4 years ago when he was going through chemotherapy and craved them one night.  I think he ate like 5 corn dogs that night, and I was just so damn happy he was eating.  This does suck. People change the subject now more than listen, and that makes me even sadder.  No one wants to hear anymore.  I am grateful for friends here who will always listen, and never tire of hearing stories or the names of our children.  

Comment by Dick on January 12, 2012 at 7:05pm

I was with my son giving CPR. So I cannot ever stop that memory. I was with my father when he drew his last breathe as well. So some memories will never fade, but I would not trade them. I am just glad I was there with them and they we not alone.

Comment by Karen R. on January 12, 2012 at 6:06pm

Hello everyone, I also feel like I'm just existing. I stil haven't been able to part with any of my son's things. The thought of it causes me so much anxiety. I can't let go so to speak because I too feel like it will be letting my son go and I can't do that. Every one in this house has been warned not to give any of his things away, they think I need to but just them mentioning that to me, makes me crazier, so they pretty much don't bother me anymore. They will NEVER understand. It's part of the same reasons I have that I am so compelled to maintain my son's memorial site and his final resting place.

I still classify my pain and sadness as tortuous. I guess this is how the rest of my days will be. I try to take people's advice that try to reassure me that my son hates to see me this way and my sadness will cause him not to have peace, I just don't know how to feel any different. One of my daughter;s told me that I am only making my son feel bad and trust me, I would hate myself even more if that was the case, for surely, none of this was his fault. I just can't find any comfort other than talking to people that sincerely understand and not being critized about my grief. Most days I feel like a zombie, just wondering around. I do have distractions but they are short lived. I want my son!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hugs to all

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 12, 2012 at 4:54pm

Lisa,

I have flashbacks every day.  I didn't go to the house my son was living in that night.  I wanted so badly to go to kiss him but I didn't want that to be my final memory.  And, I was afraid I might actually go crazy.  Instead, I flash back to not going.  

Comment by Lisa Adams on January 12, 2012 at 2:03pm

Is anyone else suffering from flashbacks? I have been having them more and more frequently.  My mind will just suddenly "trip" back to that horrible day.  It only lasts a minute or two and then I can pull myself back into "today" but when it happens it's frightening. Feels like a gut-punch. 

Comment by anna l. on January 12, 2012 at 1:41pm

Grace, so sorry for your "friend", and all the feelings it is dredging up in you as well.  One way to check fb friends is to look at what friends you have in common.  I had to do that to find out who one of my friends who wasnt to my knowledge friend or family.  Turned out she was a distant relative. 

 

Comment by Grace on January 12, 2012 at 1:37pm

As I just clicked over to my Facebook... I saw the posting.... Saddly... her 11 year old daughter has passed and donated 7 Organs... today they become a member of this awful club of Grief...  and Yet as I did with our son... and they have so bravely chosen.... some families are geting the call they have been waiting for... hoping to avoid the death of a loved one...... Such a decision to make in ones "DARKEST HOURS"  becomes someone elses Answered Prayer....

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 12, 2012 at 1:23pm

Grace

My close friend lost her 22 son from anaphylaxis shock just a few weeks before my son passed.  The autopsy report showed no apparent reason for it.  She lost her daughter age 21 just two years before.  

Life seems normal for most but when you read all of this, we understand we aren't the minority really.  But damn it's a hard reality.  I just want my son back.  

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