Comment

Comment by anna l. on January 13, 2012 at 2:36pm

I see I was not the only one not sleeping again.  The nights all alone in this empty house that used to be so full of people and noise is something I will never get used to.  As I sat in the chair bought for my husband during those last terrible weeks of his life, the house so quiet, I could close my eyes and actually hear and feel what it was like when we moved in here.  My children were 8, 10, 11, and 13.  Moving from a small house into this big one they could practice their gymnastics from the kitchen through to the livingroom wall.  Cartwheels, handsprings, tumbling.  One after another, trying to outdo their brothers or sister.  Karl being the middle son tried harder than the others.  Why oh why cant I just go back in time to then.  Im sure I yelled at them too many times to stop because they were too noisy, or "you're going to break something".  I want that time back to just burn it deeper into my memory banks because back then I was too busy to realize how special those moments would be in 20 + years sitting alone, in an empty dark too quiet house, knowing my son is not going to pick up the phone if I call him and say, "I cant sleep, what to chat?"

 

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on January 13, 2012 at 11:52am

It's been such a busy few weeks for me.  My first grandson was born on Monday.  It's so strange.... part of me is happy for this new life.  They gave him Samuel as his middle name to honor my son.  The other part of me started grieving all over again.  It hit me pretty hard the last few days.  My grandson looks like both my sons when they were babies.  It brought flashbacks of my son Sam when he was a baby.  Winter is such a sad time..... it seems to really bring on the emptiness in the part of my heart that is grieving for Sam.  My husband and I have been helping out so much with the two granddaughters this last 5 weeks, physically and emotionally I'm exhausted.  I need my time to grieve for my son.... I've realized that being so busy is actually worst.... all my emotions just erupt like a volcano when I can no longer be strong.  Tonight I'm going to meditate and think only of my son Sam.  I'm going to watch videos of him, I'm going to grieve hard, I'm going to cry, I'm going to yell, I'm going to have my glasses of wine, I am going to allow myself to feel and I'm not going to feel guilty or try to over analyze any of it.  Then I will light another candle in prayer for my son.  Hugs to everyone here on this forum.  Namaste my friends.

 

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 13, 2012 at 10:41am

Tough night.  Couldn't sleep. Another day now that I have to endure.  

Comment by Dick on January 13, 2012 at 10:03am

Tired but cannot sleep.

 

Comment by Grace on January 13, 2012 at 9:23am

I still have Flash backs... that's why I consider it PTSD....  A Song on the Radio an Old Movie... or somedays just looking at a photo... I still can not Believe I have survived 2 almost 3 years and that little boy has been gone...  In my dreams I keep searching for this lost child.....   His bedroom is still called Niles Room... so he should be in there sleeping.... Niles Bike.... Niles this or that... but as you all have mentioned our friends and family do change the subject and do not want to talk about them anymore.....  It is nice that we can talk here.    They really did exist... and our love still exist even if they are in a box in my dresser ....  those photos are proof that they really were here.

As for others telling us what our children "WOULD HAVE WANTED US TO DO" in this situation.... I think that is impossible to speculate.....  We do what we do to get through each day. 

Comment by Grace on January 13, 2012 at 9:23am

I still have Flash backs... that's why I consider it PTSD....  A Song on the Radio an Old Movie... or somedays just looking at a photo... I still can not Believe I have survived 2 almost 3 years and that little boy has been gone...  In my dreams I keep searching for this lost child.....   His bedroom is still called Niles Room... so he should be in there sleeping.... Niles Bike.... Niles this or that... but as you all have mentioned our friends and family do change the subject and do not want to talk about them anymore.....  It is nice that we can talk here.    They really did exist... and our love still exist even if they are in a box in my dresser ....  those photos are proof that they really were here.

As for others telling us what our children "WOULD HAVE WANTED US TO DO" in this situation.... I think that is impossible to speculate.....  We do what we do to get through each day. 

Comment by Karen R. on January 13, 2012 at 9:10am

I just wanted to reaffirm with everyone that I will always be willing to listen to whatever anyone has to say. I try to read everyone's post, I don't always respond but I always read and my heart cries with everyone.  This support group has become a very important part of my life......you can see how much i'm on here. Fortunately and unfortunately, I am not alone.

Comment by Dick on January 13, 2012 at 8:04am

My wife suffers silently. She does not talk about Danny as much as I do, but she loves him very much. I was the most involved parent in his life for scouts, sports, and other activities. I was the one he would talk to and confide in. He told me the happiest days of his life was pre-school and would wrestle me on the floor. It hurts to miss him.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 13, 2012 at 1:19am

Dick, your son was lucky to have both natural parents. My sons father left him having nothing to do with him. He really missed out. My son was so loving. You didn't say how your wife is doing. 32 years is a long time. My husband and I just celebrated 32 years in May. My husband is afraid I will die of a broken heart. I think it could be just a thought away. I wonder if it would be easier for me if he was Dons natural father. If he would understand the pain I feel. I'm sorry for your loss. I read your words and I feel the pain. I know exactly how difficult this is. I really miss my boy.

Comment by Dick on January 13, 2012 at 12:59am

Yes, my wife is his natural mother as well. We have been married 32 years.

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