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Comment by Lorraine on January 14, 2012 at 7:51am

I love the quote from Elizabeth Edwards.  So true.  Robin, it is different for all of us when people ask how many children we have.  I think that question, no matter how answered is one that brings pain to our hearts.  I had jury duty this past week, and had to list my children's ages; I listed Silas with the age he would be now, and put deceased.  I thought about it after, how people would probably think I was crazy.  Perhaps I am?? 

Comment by Karen R. on January 14, 2012 at 12:16am

Hey Robin.....you are not rambling! For me, when someone asks about my son, I aleays include him. Sometimes I say he passed away and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I think I don't say he passed away because saying it makes it a reality that I can not accept. Other times say that he passed away because I want them to know how I'm feeling because it usually leads to me telling them how broken I am and sometimes I want to tell everyone...." hey, my son and I were robbed of his life, how dare this happen to us!"........ because I always thought I would be exempt, thought I would forever be spared this kind of pain, it's so unacceptable. It's always someone else......now I'm the someone else! Somedays its all over my face, I'll be out somewhere and someone will look at me and ask "oh my goodness, what's wrong!" and I, without hestitation, will scream....."i had to bury my 21yr old son, that's what's wrong !!!!!!!!! ".  Most are empathetic and others are uncomfortable but in that phase, during those moments, I'm not concerned about them. I always imagined what a parent would feel like if they had to bury their child and now I know it's beyond anyone's imagination.

Comment by Robin Jone on January 13, 2012 at 11:28pm

Hi everyone, I have not been on here for a little while. I have been reading over everyones posts and I too have flashbacks to that awful day that I lost my son Zach. I am actually a little envious of those of you who were able to be with their loved when before they passed. Zach fell from a waterfall and rescue workers were unable to get to him for six hours. Though they have told us that he most probably died even before he hit the ground, the thought of my poor son lying there broken all alone is more than I can bare. 18 years ago my brother died in almost the exact way, from a fall by a frozen waterfall in Alaska. He and his friend were not found for three days, their bodies were frozen. I am like a lot of you, every time it comes nearer to the 3rd of the month I seem to have flashbacks to that day. All those emotions and pain come flooding back, and like several have said it is like a punch in the chest and it is hard to breath all over again. Today we were out with one of my daughters and someone asked how many children I have, and I said three because I couldn't bare to talk about having a son and having lost  him. Then when I came home, I felt like I had betrayed Zach, but I just couldn't talk about it then. Has anyone else had that happen? How do you respond if someone ask how many children you have? I feel like if I say four, they will ask and  then I will have to talk about it. I also hate when people tell me how incredibly strong I am. Then I feel like, do they think I really don't care, that I really am not missing my son? I think I am going through a numb phase. I don't like it, I get much more relief when I am able to cry and let it out. I'm sorry I am rambling. Thank you all for being here, so glad I can come here and let it all out. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Robin

Comment by Karen R. on January 13, 2012 at 10:45pm

I have tried to explain that many times to friends and family, that them talking about my son, helps ease my anxiety over them forgetting about him. I actually try to encourage it but most of them think it will make me upset. I tried to explain that I am already "upset', I am already sad. I need them to acknowledge that my son is not just a memory. It's hard enough dealing with the shock that the world still has gone on WITHOUT my son, even though my worls ended. Celebrating my son's birthday is as important as it was when he was still here. My emotions change......some days I feel like he will forever be 21 and other times I refer to him as what his current age would be..... he has turned 23.  I wonder if anyone else does that, as far as your child's age.

I have never had  sound night of sleep since this tragedy but lately, my insomia has worsened. My sister thinks I need a prescription to help me sleep but I told her because of my health problem, I'm to nervous to take it. That's not really the truth, the truth is I am afraid that I make take the whole bottle in one of my moments of despair. Even though I promised myself that I wouldn't cause my children any additional pain, I don't think the easy access would be wise. I guess I just have to suffer through it. It's really taking a physical and emotional toll on me. I am fixated on my son's final day in the hospital and his funeral.

Thanks again to all for listening.

Comment by Grace on January 13, 2012 at 6:30pm

The strength that Elizabeth Edwards had!  What Courage and what Wisdom.....

Comment by Dick on January 13, 2012 at 5:07pm

Tired, upset stomach, sad....usual day.

Comment by Ammy on January 13, 2012 at 3:47pm

Words that everyone we know or come in contact with should read:

‎"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them.  They didn't forget they died.  What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that, is a great gift."
~Elizabeth Edwards

Comment by Ammy on January 13, 2012 at 3:02pm

Grief is a tidal wave that overtakes you, 
smashes down upon you with unimaginable force, 
sweeps you up into its darkness, 
where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces, 
only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped... 
Never again the same.

Grief will make a new person out of you, if it doesn't kill you in the making.  
Don't let it, don't give up.

Thinking of you all and sending hugs.

NeverGiveUp.jpg

Comment by anna l. on January 13, 2012 at 2:36pm

I see I was not the only one not sleeping again.  The nights all alone in this empty house that used to be so full of people and noise is something I will never get used to.  As I sat in the chair bought for my husband during those last terrible weeks of his life, the house so quiet, I could close my eyes and actually hear and feel what it was like when we moved in here.  My children were 8, 10, 11, and 13.  Moving from a small house into this big one they could practice their gymnastics from the kitchen through to the livingroom wall.  Cartwheels, handsprings, tumbling.  One after another, trying to outdo their brothers or sister.  Karl being the middle son tried harder than the others.  Why oh why cant I just go back in time to then.  Im sure I yelled at them too many times to stop because they were too noisy, or "you're going to break something".  I want that time back to just burn it deeper into my memory banks because back then I was too busy to realize how special those moments would be in 20 + years sitting alone, in an empty dark too quiet house, knowing my son is not going to pick up the phone if I call him and say, "I cant sleep, what to chat?"

 

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on January 13, 2012 at 11:52am

It's been such a busy few weeks for me.  My first grandson was born on Monday.  It's so strange.... part of me is happy for this new life.  They gave him Samuel as his middle name to honor my son.  The other part of me started grieving all over again.  It hit me pretty hard the last few days.  My grandson looks like both my sons when they were babies.  It brought flashbacks of my son Sam when he was a baby.  Winter is such a sad time..... it seems to really bring on the emptiness in the part of my heart that is grieving for Sam.  My husband and I have been helping out so much with the two granddaughters this last 5 weeks, physically and emotionally I'm exhausted.  I need my time to grieve for my son.... I've realized that being so busy is actually worst.... all my emotions just erupt like a volcano when I can no longer be strong.  Tonight I'm going to meditate and think only of my son Sam.  I'm going to watch videos of him, I'm going to grieve hard, I'm going to cry, I'm going to yell, I'm going to have my glasses of wine, I am going to allow myself to feel and I'm not going to feel guilty or try to over analyze any of it.  Then I will light another candle in prayer for my son.  Hugs to everyone here on this forum.  Namaste my friends.

 

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