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Comment by Stephanie on January 15, 2012 at 2:18pm

karen, saying the words depends on my mood. when im feeling at peace with it - which isn't often - i talk about her "passing", or for how long she's been with G-d now, and the angelic state she is in. when i am sad or angry and dont want to accept it, i say the words died and dead, cos they're cruel words to me and they make me angry, and maybe it's SOMEWHERE to direct my anger.

and i too, constantly want this to all not be reality, to be an awful dream i'm gonna wake from.

grace, you know the funny thing is we dont want leave them behind and carry on, as people say we should, but in fact, "they have left US behind", it is our precious children that have moved on to the next phase of the journey of life, and i find that consoling, to know that jessy has moved on, further than me. and they have not left us behind, they are with us ALL THE TIME.

lorraine, even with all my stable and supportive words, much of the time, i am still that wreck. i often have to take a tranquiliser, that makes me nervous, but it helps. i just dont know if i'm going to get worse or better. the anxiety causes pain pain pain in the top of my stomach, i dont know what to do with the pain.  april this year will be 4 years already. i HATE saying that, cos in my dreams she somewhere and i cant find her and its driving me crazy cos i know its not true. and most of all, i have this crazy ex - who always tried to claim i was an unfit mother, so i'm  not even comfortable to open up HERE to how i really feel in case he's hacking in, and - oh boy - sorry for bothering you all with my issues, i just dont know where to turn with my innermost feelings... any words of wisdom from anyone?

Comment by Grace on January 15, 2012 at 12:42pm

I do say the word Died.... I have a regular little script in my mind and I can talk about it almost like it happened to someone else.... but if I get off that Script... I fall apart.... The photos that I have seen... like his obituary photo... and my favorite of him.... I'm ok... but today after I read about cleaning things out... I went through one of the Many "Junk" Drawers in the house.... came upon photos I was not toughened up on... and the tears broke loose....  Yes it is 2  1/2 Years and I see his face and I can not believe he is DEAD! and Gone and not coming back!

He looks so soft and young in those photos... like he should still be here!  Not gone!  My Baby.... totally gone and not here anymore.... How do we ever really leave them behind and go on without them?   Reminds me of the EAGLES Song "In A New York Minute"    "Everything can change... In a New York Minute... everything is strange...... One day Your here next day You're Gone".....

In an Instant..... our lives have changed.

Comment by Karen R. on January 15, 2012 at 10:46am

I second that Robin, if you are "crazy", we're all crazy! The truth is, we are all in such pain, so devastating. I have said before that now i feel like I'm just wondering around instead of "living". I agonize over the the thought of having to say in the future, my son passed away or was robbed of his life 3,4,5,.......10yrs + ago! This is why I hardly mention how long ago my son met his demise. Saying, writing, typing, reading or even thinking those words, has only become a cruel reminder of what happened to my son, it only further imbeds my visions and thoughts of my son laying in ICU and visions of his funeral........you see, I'm still trying to convince myself that none of this NEVER happened and this is all a huge mistake. I guess that's why sometomes i get so angry when people try to convince me that God makes no mistakes. Well, I know it's a big fat mistake! How it not be! Then someone will say that I wouldn't have wanted my son to suffer, how about the option of him not suffering at all, how about him recovering 100%,.I would have even settled for 50%!

For me, the words death and died are so hard to come out of my mouth, those words cut my heart up of whatever little broken pieces that are left. Those words seem so final and cold, so hopeless. I prefer passed away, crossed over or often, robbed of his life. In the beginning, sometomes i would say that my son 'left' me but I don't really say that anymore because I know that my son would NEVER purposely leave me and he was enjoying his young life too much, he thought he was invincible, he always had fun.....he was only 21 for goodness sake! Counting the days, weeks, months, years just makes it harder for me, makes me feel like this is all a 'reality' and I don't want this to be real......I want to wake up from this!

Does anyone else have similar thoughts, does anyone have any feelings about my dreaded "d" word?

Comment by Dick on January 14, 2012 at 11:58pm

I have gone through my sons things. Really was suprised at the number of friends and the giving personality he kept hidden from us. He was a Big Brother and a organ donor we were not aware of. Also, he was a bone marrow donor. We were shocked; I guess we did raise him to be giving. It is a shame he is gone. 

I know I will see him again, so I can tell him how proud of him we were.

Comment by Robin Jone on January 14, 2012 at 11:25pm

Lorraine, we haven't gone through any of Zach's things yet. His girlfriend had been living with us since the accident, and has taken a few things but that was okay. I kind of want to look at what we have but don't really want to do it by myself. I don't think my husband is ready to do it yet. Feeling very empty and sad tonight, missing by boy so much. He was so funny and genuinely loving, he could always make me smile. Still so hard to believe that I won't be able to get one of his big hugs where he picked me up off the floor. I still feel like I am wearing that mask. Everyone thinks I am doing so well, and that I am so strong, I think I am just afraid to let it down. Life is so hard sometimes. Big hugs to all. Robin

Comment by Lorraine on January 14, 2012 at 7:09pm

Robin, you are no crazier than any of the rest of us here.  I have several articles of Sy's clothes that still smell like him.  And a bag full of clothes from when he was sick; clothes that he had worn that didn't get washed before he died.  I can't clean out his closet at this point, even though it has been over three years; the thought of it makes me so sad.  So I will leave it for now.  Janice, I understand the anxiety you are experiencing.  Last night a friend called, someone from my grief group who is a support as well as me being a support to her.  We can share anything, which is helpful since that isn't the case with most people at this point.  I was laying in the dark because it was too painful to have the lights on as I was looking at my Sy guy's pictures and feeling so anxious and full of despair.  It is a terrible feeling.  My friend called, and I just broke down; this feeling that life stopped in some ways when my son died has not passed, and I honestly don't expect it too at this time.  Not for a lack of loving my other children, or a need to feel miserable.  It just is what it is.  I have even joined a gym and am working out 5 or 6 nights a week.  People all think it's all good, and that I must feel better now that I am getting some exercise.  In all actuality, I feel just as sad, although I do feel that I am gaining some much needed physical strength.  So with a willingness to try just about anything, I can say that I have not found anything to take the pain of losing my beautiful boy away.  Sending hugs to all

Comment by Stephanie on January 14, 2012 at 3:18pm

i somehow thought i was doing progressively better, whatever that means... managing 5 hours a day as opposed to 2 or 3.  but in the past few months my world is tumbling in on me.  i wake up with actual PAIN in my stomach from ANXIETY. the anxiety is overwhelming, taking over everything. its not like i'm thinking a particular thought of jessy, yes i also have dreams that she never really died, and everyone made a big mistake, and she is waiting somewhere for me, in a room, in a hospital, and i am looking for her. its hard cos my other 3 kids are younger and i cant upset them too much - got to keep life as "normal" and "routing" as possible. but i feel like im a wreck, like im going to just shake to death

Comment by Stephanie on January 14, 2012 at 3:18pm

i somehow thought i was doing progressively better, whatever that means... managing 5 hours a day as opposed to 2 or 3.  but in the past few months my world is tumbling in on me.  i wake up with actual PAIN in my stomach from ANXIETY. the anxiety is overwhelming, taking over everything. its not like i'm thinking a particular thought of jessy, yes i also have dreams that she never really died, and everyone made a big mistake, and she is waiting somewhere for me, in a room, in a hospital, and i am looking for her. its hard cos my other 3 kids are younger and i cant upset them too much - got to keep life as "normal" and "routing" as possible. but i feel like im a wreck, like im going to just shake to death

Comment by Robin Jone on January 14, 2012 at 12:39pm

Thanks everyone for the comments. I think I will always have to say four, because saying three felt so wrong and painful. Like you all said, Zach will always be part of my life and in my heart and he is and always will be my son. Just felt so wrong, when they were asking my daughter, I'm sure she probably was feeling the same way. She said she had two sisters, but did not mention Zach. I miss him so very much, still kiss his picture good night every night. I still sleep with a pair of his favorite shorts. Like you said Lorraine, maybe I am crazy, but I know you all understand and will not judge me. Thanks for always listening. Robin

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on January 14, 2012 at 8:52am

Same here, whenever the question comes up on how many children I have, I say two and leave it at that.  I just can't bare to say just one because I had two.  Sam will always be my son here physically or spiritually.  Hugs to you all.

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