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Comment by Stephanie on January 16, 2012 at 4:09pm

hi my dearest caring friends. i'm stephanie. havent always been stephanie. but maybe stephanie will manage better. i know you all understand what i mean. lots and lots of love always, xxxxxxx

Comment by Stephanie on January 16, 2012 at 3:10pm

thank you my dearest friends, for your deep feelings about me not feeling free to talk about my experience because of a worry like an ex. lorraine, anna, grace, thank you - it sounds like a wonderful idea to use another name, cos it really is even doubly hard, not only to have to suffer the daily emotions, but not even feel free to share with friends who are going through the very same feelings. thank you my friends.  i hope you will "pick up" who i am, and that he doesnt- he's pretty sharp. but i think i'll find a way.

Comment by Lorraine on January 16, 2012 at 8:09am

HI Karen, my children choose not to talk about their brother as much as I do.  One of my daughters just moved away, to Austin, and with me being in MA I don't get to see her much.  I had asked her if she still thinks of Silas everyday, and she told me that thoughts of him are with him always, as is the experience of his cancer and death.  When I went to see her there was a photo of Sy on her bedstand; taken before he was diagnosed with cancer.  He was at a Pete Seeger show,, taking photos and very happy.  I realize that they need to be young and that losing a sibling, while it is horrendous, is not quite the same as it is for us.  I want my children to be happy, I guess it is hard though when I still feel the need to talk about Sy, and often it is met with silence now.  Dick, I believe the grief is like waves, nothing linear about this loss.  And then there are waves inside the waves as time goes on.  You will be hit with big ones when you least expect it, I imagine it will be like this forever.  It has been over three years since Silas passed on, and the sadness has not left me.  How could it?  I know that some people do feel happiness again, but as parents still carry that loss within...  I miss my beautiful boy so desperately...

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 16, 2012 at 2:59am

Everything you have all written applies to me. The waves of grief,sadness and guilt. I could have written every word that you wrote Karen. My two daughters and six grandkids deserve to have a life. I'm in a different place. I could win a best actress award. What I'm feeling is so completely different than what I'm projecting. Im just existing. In a whole lot of pain.

Comment by Dick on January 16, 2012 at 12:16am

Waves of grief, sadness, guilt...everyday. Again tomorrow, my energy level is low. I really don't care about much any longer. My mother told me the grief does moderate; she lost my father, grandmom. grandfather, two grandchildren now; so she is a voice of experience. I hope she is right.

Comment by Karen R. on January 15, 2012 at 9:35pm

Hey Grace and everyone, I think that I may feel the same way when you mentioned that so called "healing" is equal to not being loyal to our child. it may sound irrational but I must admit that I often feel that way. It's the same feeling I get in regards to listening to music or dancing or maybe enjoying a comedy show. I feel like I have no more joy. I think to myself, what the hell would I be dancing about, what the hell is funny enough for me to laugh at.........it's so hard for me to enjoy myself without feeling so guilty. My family tries really hard to convince me otherwise but I really feel guilty. I feel like my son would be so hurt if I went to a comedy show, so now I would never go.....the guilt I would probably feel afterwards would make it not even worth it. There is something else that I basically gave up since my son passed away and it has nothing to do with guilt, I don't listen to music in my car anymore. Prior to all of this, I would always drive and listen to music but now it just increases my sadness because it reminds me of how much my son loved music, it reinforces that he's not around to hear it, sometimes it just makes me angry. But when I am not alone and  my other children are in the car with me, they insist on listening to music, so i just convince myself that my son is riding in the car with us and he is enjoying it also. I remember at my daughter's recent wedding, sat down during most of the reception and watched in amazement at everyone laughing and dancing, just having a grand time and I was silently thinking, wow, what's wrong with these people......don't they know that my son is not here!!! I tried my best to conceal my sadness at her wedding because I didn't want to ruin her day. When everyone kept trying to get me to get up and dance, at first I was so hurt and felt like they were being insensitive. Eventually, my husband came to my aid and told everyone to just leave me be. He sat beside me the entire reception even though I kept encouraging him to go and have a good time. For some reason I was more angry at watching my other children dance and laugh, I started feeling like they had forgotten about their brother and then finally, I said to myself that they should have a good time and I would not make them feel guilty about it. I realize that I can not expect or require that my children or anyone else grieve the same as I do. I have also learned that my children go out of their way to hide their grief/mourning in my presence because they are so worried about upsetting me. Sometimes I feel like I need to know, I need to see them mourn to reassure me that they haven't forgotten. My emotions are all over the place, just crazy. It's like I am on a mission to make sure my son knows that he will NEVER be forgotten.

Maybe one day I will be able to enjoy myself without feeling totally guilty.

Comment by Grace on January 15, 2012 at 6:04pm

Yes Anna  I agree Janice you need to have a space to talk and vent

 

Comment by anna l. on January 15, 2012 at 5:52pm

Janice, I was uncomfortable with my name being out there and making me uncomfortable with sharing what I needed to share in case someone in my family stumbled on this site as well and my words hurt them in some way.  So.....  I edited my profile and used a name they wont easily associate with me.  I think you should do that too.  Pick a name out of a hat if you have to but find a way to make your presence here as positive as it can possibly be. 

 

Comment by Grace on January 15, 2012 at 4:16pm

I think I say Died and Dead because I don't think I want a More Comforting term.... Maybe I want it to sting and be painful... because it is painful... and maybe I am not concerned to make it more "Comfortable" for others to hear this PAIN... 

This has been a difficult week... I mentioned ealier of a FB Friend who friended me at the time of my son's death who has just lost her 11 year old Daughter exactly the same way my 14 year old son died....  

I just cleaned a Junk Drawer and cried as I found some old photos.. I mentioned that already today... so I thought I would get away to a movie  "A JOYFUL NOISE"  where one of the characters was an Autistic young man who questioned Why God mad hime this way.... and Queen Lativa sang "Fix Me Jesus.."  I had to got to the restroom and cry again....   what is around the corner???? 

I find No Comfort in words.... and wonder if I really want to find Comfort?  So afraid of fading memories..... maybe if We totally heal.. we feel like we are not loyal to the memory of this painful loss....????

Comment by Lorraine on January 15, 2012 at 3:58pm

Karen, it took me a few years before I could say the "D" word.  It does have such a cruel ring to it when you are talking about someone's child, especially your own.  I usually say passed on; I like "crossed over" though I don't say it much. Those are words with at least a measure of comfort, which can be hard to come by as we all know.  Janice, I am sorry you have to worry about an ex when you are in this much pain and have found some support here.  So sad, isn't it?  I sometimes think about that, not with an ex, but what if something happened to me and my girls found my stuff here; having to relive all of the pain of losing their brother and realizing that it is hard for me to get a handle on things... it is something I am sure that they know in their hearts, but I still feel somewhat protective of them..  Take care, everyone, as best as you can~

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