Comment

Comment by Dick on January 19, 2012 at 1:22am

I quit alcohol completely since Danny left us. It would only make me feel worse.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 19, 2012 at 12:43am

One glass of wine too many. Went from taking the edge off to total despair and painful grief. How do the rest of you sleep? What helps? I HAVE never been a drinker. Don't want to start now.

Comment by Stephanie on January 18, 2012 at 3:18pm

lorraine, i makes so much sense the way you put it in words... it's a new world, a new way of life for us, and we dont quite know how to make our way around in it.

you know, when you think about it, generally people think of such following things as real life changing experiences:  emigrating to a new country, learning to have to speak in a new language, having to sell a property, moving from rural to urban life, a family coming to stay with you for a year, other things, tragedies, tsunamies, earthquakes, displacement ...and so on.  but do people REALLY realise the IMPACT of a family losing a CHILD, as a most painful unbearable and shocking life changing experience. how do we just inorporate all this new shock, pain, loss and trauma into our lives as it was going?

we dont want to hurt our other children; we dont want people thinking we're crazy, we want to hold on so bad. our entire outlook on life changes. we have to learn a whole new way of living, and at that, also in the best interests of our spouses and other children.

we have to learn how to live in our whole new world

Comment by Dick on January 18, 2012 at 11:05am

Another day of numbness, grief, and wondering what this life is all about.

Comment by Robin Jone on January 18, 2012 at 6:47am

We have Zach's ashes sitting on our mantle. It is sort of ironic because we have them in a clock, when Zach was in high school he and I would always fight because he wouldn't wake up in the morning. I thought having his ashes here at home with us would bring me some kind of  peace but it doesn't. Maybe at some point my husband and I will decide to scatter them or put them elsewhere, but for now they sit on our mantle with a picture of Zach beside it. I started going back to church just to try and find some kind of comfort or peace. When I go all I do is cry, but a lot of the members know about Zach and many try to comfort me. When I went this past Sunday, I was actually glad that I could cry, I have been in a kind of numb phase. For so long I would cry every day and then that stopped and I would have several days of numbness. I welcome the tears, at least they are some kind of release for the pain. Prayers to all my friends who belong to this very sad group. Big hugs. Robin

Comment by Lorraine on January 17, 2012 at 9:02pm

Karen, I love that you have been able to "bring him home."  So sad and I could never imagine even thinking about these things or feeling so intensely about them, but here we are.  I hear what you are saying about other children in the family, Dick.  I really really try as well, as I am sure everyone here does; I think the first year it didn't matter who else was in my life, even my own children. I am not proud of this, but the grief is so intense that it takes over like.  Now I really have to work at staying "present" with my children and not talking about Silas too much, but it is somewhat manageable.  I guess that having a broken heart does get in the way of how I now parent.  I wish I were happier.  I do have moments of happiness, and really want my children to be happy...  still, I feel so heartsick that I don't know quite how to make my way around in this "new world..."

Comment by anna l. on January 17, 2012 at 8:16pm

Dick there is no working it out with my sons wife.  I know she has the right to do what she needs to do.  We are actually very good friends but when Im really missing talking to him I miss having a place to go to just be with him.  I  hope one day she will understand that.  I know I have my husbands ashes but that is because he had specific requests of where to spread them and we just havent been able to arrange to honor those wishes.  Maybe when we do, my daughter in law will be ready to let his son join him in that special spot.  It will be 2 years in March that my son died.  I need a place to go to be with him, his brothers and sister and nieces and nephews need a place to go to honor and remember him as well.  But I will respect his wifes wishes because that is what my son would want, for me to be kind to his wife........

 

Comment by Dick on January 17, 2012 at 2:40pm

I hope something can be worked out Anna, but once a child becomes married it is a legal union and she has rights to the ashes just as you have your husband. Your child was her spouse and would like to keep him close as well. To sum it up, it is her choice unless he bequethed his ashes to you.

Comment by Kar on January 17, 2012 at 2:36pm

I too understand all of you having the need to have our children with us.     So much so that I established a private family cemetery on our property & moved my son there.   I can see his candle glowing & headstone right now as I type to you.   It has helped me so very much to be able to do this. "I walk over there day and night"   I just felt as though I had to bring him home...     So yes, I understand-    Love & strength to you all......   

Comment by Stephanie on January 17, 2012 at 2:12pm

thanx so much everyone, for sharing that you too have the need for your child to be WITH you.  anna, howcome she has your son's ashes? surely if he's YOUR son, then YOU have the right to those ashes, and not her?

Lorraine, im so sorry and can hear the anger against the cancer - i feel that too about my loss. and thanks for sharing what you do to keep him close to you - i think of so many ways, but i worry people with think im crazy, or (like you karen), my other kids might get upset if they perceive that she is more important to me than they are.

ammy, i know, can you believe one even has to be careful at a place like this... in fact, u must all realise my angel child also needs a new angel name... wow, this is quite therapeutic for me - i can see her smiling upon me.

but i still hurt so bad. i hurt so bad.

thank you for all being there

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