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Comment by anna l. on January 22, 2012 at 9:25pm

omg Karen, do I ever know what you are taking about with pictures.  When Karl, my son died it was when my siblings had planned a reunion.  For one reason or another each time we got together in 25 + years, one or more of the 9 of us were missing.  It was so important to finally do it that after Karls service I flew out to the reunion and did my best to be ok.  But the day we did our group pictures I wanted to die.  It was so hard to be ok so the pictures would turn out for everyone else but the tears just kept coming.  For the first time I actually was faced with the fact I would never again have a picture with all my children.  I was heartbroken.  I am now the only one of my brothers and sisters who does not have the pictures taken that day up anywhere.  They are such a big reminder of what is now lost. 

 

Comment by Karen R. on January 22, 2012 at 8:02pm

Hey everyone. When I look into the mirror, I feel whipped, I feel like I have aged so much, despite of what everyone tells me.......that I look so 'great' and so young. The long episodes of crying hysterically have left dark circles under my eyes. My children tell me that it's my imagination but I see it. I use to take such pride in the way I looked and dressed, now, it no longer matters. Sometimes I push my self and I do mean push hard to try to look like my old self, I get a little motivation when my children tell me to do it for their brother because he always felt proud about the way I always looked. I guess I'm grooming myself how I actually feel. They say that he would be disappointed. I never liked taking pictures but now it's even worse. It's like it's painful for me to smile.......in my head I'm thinking what do I have to smile about, I am thinking, wow, I'll never have new photos of my son throughout the years to add to albums. All of our family photos will forever be broken, there will always be a missing link...my son. Does anyone elsr ever have similar moments?

Thanks for listening.............again! Sending many hugs.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 22, 2012 at 6:25pm

Dick

I lost weight too after my son passed.  I have never been an eater when I am stressed.  However, I love food and like to cook.  All of a sudden I started to eat more than normal.  For me the anxiety feels like hunger pains.  I get mad at Don some time for leaving me.  I needed him as much as he needed me though I am not sure he knew that.  Today is a sad day.  

Comment by Dick on January 22, 2012 at 6:04pm

I am kind of freaking out now. My oldest doesn't want the farm, Danny was the one who helped me and wanted it. Now that he has passed, what do I do? It has been in our family for 100 years. Stress and worry are my friends now.

Comment by Dick on January 22, 2012 at 5:57pm

I stopped by Danny's grave in the family plot, saw Grandma, Uncle, Dad, & Danny all there. I was on the way to my farm, I got mad at Danny for leaving and not helping me with the farm. I wanted to puke.

Comment by Dick on January 22, 2012 at 5:54pm

That is a lot of eating considering I'm vegetarian and don't drink. I think it is the late night eating when I cant sleep. Nervous eating?

Comment by Dick on January 22, 2012 at 5:52pm

I think I do have a problem though. I am 6'5" and can carry weight without looking fat. I dropped over the last 2 years from 270 to 225 last summer. When Danny passed, I have started eating again without watching what I am doing. I got on the scales this morning because the wife can tell I am gaining weight. Sure enough, I am at 250. So 25 pounds in 6 months, if anything I am using food to sooth my soul. I need to control my eating again; starting right now.

Comment by Stephanie on January 22, 2012 at 3:52pm

ammy talking about lonely, its weird cos i do the same thing... i want to be left alone, i dont want to answer the phone or speak to anyone, i dont want to talk to anyone, and yet i feel so lonely and isolated.

you are all so special. dick, it sounds like you have a good friend in this man and that is a treasure. grace, believe me im also afraid of falling into a pit with relying on meds, but i am not functioning without them, so i am afraid either way.

adrianne and lorraine, yes, just a painful life of anxiety that is just such a battle to deal with, but you said it, i wouldnt change being her mom for anything in the world. i loved that.... i am so proud and i THINK i wouldnt even exchange this pain, for the opportunity i had to have her in my life.

my best love to you all xxxxxxx

Comment by Lorraine on January 22, 2012 at 2:21pm

Dick, it sounds like your friend will find a way to be there for you. That is one of the biggest gifts people can give us.  I have had long time friends fall by the wayside and others who have found a way to be there, even if they don't (can't) know how to fix it.

Comment by Dick on January 22, 2012 at 12:47pm

Last night on my way home, I stopped at a good friends house. He knew Danny well. We didn't talk about Danny; but other things. He had a whiskey, I didn't have anything but water. Another point, he was a military man who had seen combat and death.

He started crying when I started to leave, he misses Danny as well. I have never seen him break down ever. It is sad, he touched a lot of people. 

I let him know I will never be who I was 6 months ago. He told me we are best friends and I can depend on him. I let him know it is not him, it is me that has changed. I am not the confident, happy, optimistic person I once was.

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