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Comment by Rosie Fletcher on January 29, 2012 at 4:54pm

Karen R, that was very brave to share your guilt with us.  It also lets us know, that we're all in this together and we feel safe here to talk about things.  I have my own set of guilt that always leads to the 'What Ifs' merry-go-round.  One day when things were really bad, I was alone in my house.  If anyone would have heard me, I may have been placed in the Looney-Bin.   Anyway, I started to talk to my Sam with the knowing that his spirit was present.  I spoke out loud as if he was there.  I asked Sam to please forgive some of the things I did and said to him.  I explained my reasons, and that I did many of things I did because I was trying to protect him from himself.  He was a drug addict.  Then I spoke to him, out loud again, and this time I told him I forgave him.  I forgave the things he did, the things he said to me and the suffering I was going through due to his drug use and that it caused his death.

It helped me that day... doing that.... talking to him.  Some days, when it gets too bad again.... I do it again .. in my house, in my car, where I have the privacy of being alone.  I hope this may help some of you.  It really works.  My grief doesn't go away... it will never go away.. but the guilt is lightened and somedays... there is no guilt.... just the sad fact that he is gone.   Namaste, my friends. 

Comment by Robin Jone on January 29, 2012 at 4:50pm

Karen R., I am so very sorry you are dealing with all that. Not only do you have to deal with the loss of your son but to deal with guilt on top of that. We have all said and done things that we regret at some time or another. As much as I loved my son, Zach, he did sometimes make me very angry and do things that were reckless. He could be very stubborn and pigheaded and did not like to admit when things might have been his fault. I wish there was something I could do or say to help you. I pray that you will be able to forgive your self. Just think about it, you would say that to any of us if the same had happened, so you should also be able to forgive yourself. Big hugs and prayers. Robin

Comment by Stephanie on January 29, 2012 at 2:03pm

i keep dreaming everyone made a mistake, and she is still alive. and i hold her and we love each other - (and it doesnt help when people say "she is alive in your heart"). i keep dreaming it all the time, in different ways, in different settings. when i really wake up my entire stomach is in a knot, i cant breathe, i think "oh G-d, no, she isnt alive, it was just a dream" - eveyr morning same thing - wake up shaking, guts tearing apart. oh G-d, its been over 3 and half years. i dont know how to get through this. at all.

Comment by Karen R. on January 29, 2012 at 9:16am

Thanks Ammy, how to i respond back to the chat, I don't see the option for that?

Comment by Karen R. on January 29, 2012 at 9:15am

Someone asked me if I now condone smoking marijuana, the answer is no but now i realize that no one is perfect and my son was not hurting anyone, he was a good boy. As much as he was my baby, I realize now that he had to be his own person. I have NEVER seen him smoke it....he would have never allowed that but I would smell it. It just seems now in comparison, him doing that is so petty. Thanks for listening.

Comment by Karen R. on January 29, 2012 at 9:05am

Oh, Dear Frances! It's like you gave me the go ahead to talk about my guilt! First let me say that I am soooooo sorry that you are experiencing that kind of guilt. When I read what you wrote, it hit me like a ton of bricks, I burst into tears because I carry a tremendous amount of guilt also. The only person that I have shared my guilt in any depth with is my husband and my sister-in law. What happened is probably why I will NEVER have any sense of comfort. The week before my son's journey to his tragic end, I was  over at my parent's house. A few weeks prior to that, my son and my father had gotten into a problem/argument......for which I was not present, anyway my father told him that he couldn't return until he apologized. My son was furious because he felt like his granfather owed him the apology. He was angry that I asked him to apologize anyway and he was hurt that I didn't take his side. Anyway, while I was there that day, I asked my daughter to go and pick him up and bring him there to me while my dad was not at home. We talked for a while and then he made his self comfortable and decided that he was going to stay and relax. I told him that he had to leave if he wasnt going to apologize but it wasn't my house and i didnt want my dad to see him there. Well, he got off the couch, stared at me in my face and he said "mom, you are really going to make me leave?", he was so upset that I didn't take his side. The last words my son spoke to me was "Ok, mom, that's ok, YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN!!!!!" and he slammed the door. He was angry so he stayed over by my sister-in law's house and about 1 week later, my son was missing for 30hrs before we found out that he was admitted into ICU as a "john doe"!  Initially when my son passed I felt like he did it to me on purpose because he was mad at me for not taking his side, then I thought God was punishing me for betraying my son.........I no longer believe that he left me on purpose, he would never be that mean and he loved his life and me too much. The punishment part I'm not so sure of. I also have the added guilt of a few days before me seeing him last, he also asked if he could borrow my car and i said no. That further torments me because maybe he would have had more protection in my car versus riding on his friend's motorcycle. It gets worse!......months before, my son asked me if I would help him with funds to pay for his 21st birthday party, I also said know because I was angry and disappointed that my son smoked sooooo much marijuana. I told him the money he spent on that, he could pay for his own party, I was angry because i didnt approve of that habit........what a dumb ass do I feel like now!!!! I took him and a few of his close friend's out to Friday's(his favorite restaurant) instead. Little did I know that 8 months later I would have to bury him!!!! Of course my husband and my sister-in law try to convince me that it's not my fault and that my son didn't mean it when he said what he said but how could I not be wrecked from guilt? My husband and I are still estranged because he can't take watching me die slowly. I always feel like a ticking time bomb ready to explode. Why didn't I take his side, why didn't I let him use my car? why didn't I just help him with his birthday party? If it wasn't for my little one, I would be with my son already.

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on January 28, 2012 at 9:26am

Its hard to explain to someone who has no clue. It's a daily struggle being in pain or feeling sick on the inside while you look fine on the outside. Please put this as your status for at least 1 hour if you or someone you know has an invisible illness (PTSD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Diabetes, Crohns, LUPUS, Fibromyalgia, MS, ME, Arthritis, Cancer, Heart Disease, Epilepsy, Autism,M.D. etc.) " Never judge what you don't understand. 

I saw this clip and feel that grief should be in this list.  It can be a lifetime condition.   Hugs to you all.  Namaste my friends.

Comment by Brenda Ann on January 28, 2012 at 3:54am

Frances,
I am so sorry that you are suffering. I wish I could bring you a meal and a real hug. Please email me and I will send you my phone number. I will listen anytime you need.

Brenda
mawmaw1591@gmail.com

Comment by Robin Jone on January 27, 2012 at 9:20pm

Frances, I am so very sorry. I'm sure we have all said things and done things we wish we could take back. Things we wish we would have done, or said I love you more, or I am proud of you more. I know I do. I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain except to tell you you are not alone. I lost my son, Zach, he was only 23, in a terrible accident. Not a day goes by that I don't miss him and wish I could give him one more hug, or be able to tell him I love him or how very proud I am of him. You are in my prayers, big  hugs. Robin

Comment by Ammy on January 27, 2012 at 9:09pm

Frances, I'm so sorry.

I think of you and pray for you all every day.

Have had a rough week too, just like I'm reading all your comments and feeling your agony.  Just keep telling myself to get through this day, and then tomorrow I do it all over again.

Sending hugs to all while wishing it could be more.  ❤ 

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