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Comment by Rosie Fletcher on February 2, 2012 at 5:35pm

I agree, our children are more than memories to us.  They are a part of us, forever.  Anne, I also agree with what you said about people.  Many people, just don't know what to say or do to help us.  They say the wrong things sometimes, but I let it go knowing that they don't mean to do it on purpose but they just don't know what to say or do.  Since my youngest son passed, I have this fear about my oldest son sometimes.  If something ever happened to him....  I just can't imagine.  Peace to you all my friends. 

Comment by anne on February 2, 2012 at 5:14pm

Please dont be too upset about memories. People say stuff because they dont know what to say or how to say it. I always go back to the phrase " they are ignorant and know not what they say" People on the outside could not imagine what we go through. So I just learned to not listen. I just nod my head. I didnt get to see my little boy after he died. He was burned beyond anything, but I did get to hold him in the bag. Now I dont mean to be crude but I believe in being honest. My oldest son I did get to see and hold and I remember that all I could think was that he just needed to wake up. All of those things stem from greif and shock. When I saw him again for his funeral I remember thinking " I'm all out of options"  We all handle this in different ways. I had terrible nightmares for years after my little boy died in that car fire. I thought I was going to lose what little was left of my mind. When Ben (my oldest boy) was killed it was so different. The whole thing from begining to the end was so different. I'm not even sure how to explain it or if I can.I guess the reality of it all for me is Life will never be the same no matter what I do, but at times I do enjoy remembering the way life was, and the laughter, but i've been doing this greif thing for a long time so. I know in my heart that my boys are more than a memory, and that's something no one can ever take from me.

Comment by Lisa Adams on February 2, 2012 at 3:02pm

One of the best things my counselor ever told me was that I will still have a RELATIONSHIP with Roxanne, it will just be different. Granted, it's drastically different, but I so appreciated that he wasn't trying to sell me on the whole "good memories" thing. 

Comment by Stephanie on February 2, 2012 at 2:54pm

... i was just reading through some past discussions, i went through so many emotios. karen, you wrote something some time back that really helped me - that your son is not a "memory" for you, he is your son!!  i have so often had people tell me i have so many good memories of my daughter, and to cherish the memories blah blah blah. and i feel SO the same, that she is NOT "memories" to me. she is REAL, she is my daughter, my love. how can people tell me i have the MEMORIES?  it makes no sense, its so unreal.

Comment by Stephanie on February 2, 2012 at 1:02pm

it really is just indescribably horrible. thanx robin for the support, and lisa for sharing. i held her for about an hour in the hospital after she passed. later at the funeral i insisted on seeing her. it did look like her to me, and to this day i wish i'd taken a picture of her after she passed. i dont know, from what i read from you all, and from my own experience, maybe no matter what our details were, it is just too unbelievable to our brains to comprehend that they have actually passed. thanks robin for sharing with me that you also had those dreams. its hard, so very hard..... hugs to you all

Comment by Lisa Adams on February 2, 2012 at 7:50am

Thanks everyone for the love! And you all are right.  I woudn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.  Most of my flashbacks are of the ICU and watching the docs do CPR. I chose to leave the room while they worked on her because I could feel myself slipping into panic and I didn't want anything to distract them from saving her.  When my boyfriend came and told me that she was gone, at first I didn't want to go back and see her, it took me an hour or more to work up the courage. She didn't look like herself either and that's what most of my nightmares and flashbacks revolve around.  Sometimes now I wish I hadn't seen it!  It's just so hard.

Praying that we all have a more peaceful day today. {{hugs}}

Lisa

Comment by Robin Jone on February 2, 2012 at 6:56am

Lisa, please do not be embarrassed, your coworkers are heartless. Just pray they will never have to go through what you are going through. Stephanie, I know what you mean about having dreams that it was all mistake. When my brother died 18 years I didn't get to see his body, and I had dreams all the time that he came back and told me it was all a mistake that it wasn't him. When my son, Zach, died they didn't want me to see him but I insisted because of what happened with my brother. I am glad that I got to see him, except it didn't look like my son at all, so I think I have realized that since it didn't look like him I have been holding out that maybe it really wasn't him. How horrible for any of us to have to go through this. Hugs to you and all of us who have lost a loved one. Robin

Comment by Karen R. on February 1, 2012 at 7:57pm

Yes lisa, I agree with what Adrienne said, they better hope that they are spared this type of tortuous pain! Do NOT be embarrassed.........big, big hugs!

Comment by Stephanie on February 1, 2012 at 2:33pm

absolutely!!  i also feel with certain people that they "talk" about me. sorry for them, right?  ((hugs))

 

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on February 1, 2012 at 2:04pm

Oh Lisa. It is so hard. Let them whisper. Or gather some courage and just say out loud that you pray none of them will ever have to endure a flashback from losing a child. Don't be embarrassed. They should have comforted you. Shame on them. Prayers for you.

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