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Comment by Rosie Fletcher on February 4, 2012 at 10:20pm

Hi Robin, I'm sorry you're having a hard day today.  It was 11 months for me yesterday.   I spent most of the day babysitting my granddaughters, so I'm exhausted but even the exhaustion doesn't make this terrible ache go away.  When the house is finally quiet, like at this time is when it is the hardest for me.  It feels like I am already going thru the awful feeling of the one year mark. I think to myself .... 1 year!  One year that I have not seen my son!!!  I carried him for 9 months.... I took care of him and loved him for 17 years...... and now it's almost one whole year since I've seen him... talked to him... hugged him.  I'm not doing well tonight.   Thanks for listening my friends.  Hugs to you all.  Tomorrow will be a better day... I hope.  Just needed to vent.

Comment by Robin Jone on February 4, 2012 at 10:07pm

Yesterday it was 5 months since I lost my son, Zach. I have thought I have been doing almost too good, kind of waiting for myself to crumble again. One of my very best friends came to visit me for a few days, she wasn't able to come when Zach died. She told me that when she heard about Zach she wasn't able to get out of bed for four days. When she told me that, I felt like what is wrong with me. Am I a horrible mother, that I have been able to keep going and keep doing what I need to do? Does that make sense? I felt like, I hope Zach doesn't think I didn't love him enough, that I don't miss him enough. I think I am afraid to stop because if I do, I won't be able to keep going.The last few nights when I am alone, and I have stopped for the night, the sadness has been overwhelming. I feel the anxiety returning that I had when the accident first happened. Last night I dreamt that my youngest daugther was killed in an automobile accident, and that I wasn't able to pick up the phone and tell anyone. It was such a horrible dream, and I still feel like I am living in a nightmare that I will never wake up from. Thank you Allan for sharing and letting me know that I can make it through this. Some days I feel like I would like to just crawl into bed, and quit putting on the mask and just not get up out of bed. I know that wouldn't solve anything, and I would probably feel worse but it can be so hard. I just miss my Zach so much it hurts. Thank  you all for being here. Big hugs. Robin

Comment by anne on February 3, 2012 at 4:32pm

Dear Michele, what you said about the thumbprint was absolutely beautiful. I wish I would of thought of that. what a beautiful way to remember your son John. Peace be with you.

Comment by Michele Dybdall on February 3, 2012 at 3:01pm

I am really feeling homesick for my son today.  Last night we ran into a friend of John's and he greeted me with a warm welcoming hug.  Oh, how that makes me long for a hug from my John!  I was reading about what you were all sharing about 'memories' and things people say to comfort our losses and how they just don't understand.  It's all true, but then I have to remember that I too (before my loss) said some insensitive things to people who were going through grief only because I 'wanted' to comfort them and I really didn't know how.  Actually, there just doesn't ever seem to be any right words. Memories are wonderful, but sometimes you just want something more tangible. I know this is going to sound really off the wall to some folks, but my husband had a pendant made for me that I wear on a necklace that has John's actual thumb print on it (they made an imprint of his thumbprint at the funeral home).  Some times I find myself drifting into memories and placing my thumb into the indentation of his thumb.  An odd sort of comfort maybe, but I'll take whatever comfort I can find. Thanks everyone for being willing to share your hearts, that helps too!

Comment by Melissa Szuch on February 3, 2012 at 1:35pm

Hello all its been awhile since I have been here, Sarah passed in June and I miss her still. I know now this is something that will not get easier with time and is differant than any other death that I have experienced.  When the tears come for her they come from my gut its like someone is ripping out my soul. I have two other children my son doesnt want to talk about it and my daughter she does her best. Nothing will ever fill in for her, believe me I have tried.  I miss her so much she was the person that knew every thought in my head, she was my teacher. I think in a previous life she must have been my mother! :) I am sorry for all of your losses

Comment by Allan on February 3, 2012 at 9:27am

My name is Allan. I have been a part of this support site for several years.  Yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of the death of my daughter. Callie was 33 when she died suddenly, just home from Iraq with some illness that we never did figure out. Official cause of death was pneumonia, which we didnt believe, but oh well, that little matters now.  Callie was a proud soldier, married to a soldier. She  loved her work, loved her country, and loved her kids.  Callie left behind 3 children who are well, if still dealing with adjustment and attachment issues.  I see their mom in all of them.  My wife and I keep up with them and we called them all yesterday on the anniversary.  Two of the guys were little so they have not much recollection of either the day or their mother.  Life goes on.  After 3 years I suppose I have entered the "end stages" of my grief work- whatever that means.  I can look back and see where I have been, what I live without, and what I will never have again.  I also see that I need to keep going for Callie's kids.  As long as they are there I will not give up hope that life will get better. 

One of my collatoral damages seems to have been between me and God.  I still dont pray to God much after 3 years--that just doesnt help- for me god was pretty much absent during the whole ordeaI.  But if God works for you, than Bless you.   

On this site there are lots of new folks. To those who are just beginning the journey into darkness let me say how sorry I am for your loss.  It is truly horrible to lose a child- you are part of a fraternity that others can never fully understand.  Your best bet is to stay connected on this site to others who are going through the same thing.   Keep writing...keep telling your stories...keep sharing the pictures, and perhaps you can arrive at a time when you too can look back be there for others.    Let me say thanks again to those who keep this website up and running.   You have been true cyber friends and just what I have needed in my time of loss.     

Comment by Stephanie on February 3, 2012 at 4:25am

thanx for the support everyone. lisa, that is absolutely it - we still have a RELATIONSHIP with our children. that is what i needed to hear - i didnt know how to verbalise it. anne, you are right that people really care and they just dont know what to say. but i think it takes a long time to learn to ignore them, because it really hurts when they say stuff, and also, when you talk to them, you're ACHING for them to just feel your pain with you, not say "you have wonderful memories". but u are all right - that is not a realistic expectation. whew! this is a tough road, a really long, tough road. ((hugs))

Comment by anne on February 2, 2012 at 11:42pm

Dear Rosie, I too had a terrible time with the fear that I could lose my other children, and then it happened again. I too thought I couldnt do it again but I didnt get a choice. I knew that I had to make a choice about how I was going to handle it again. So far so good. I mean really what else can I do. I still live with that fear but I just cant let it stop me from loving and living. I lived in fear for such a long time, and time is so precious. I have learned to distract myself when I start feeling the fear and most of the time it works. When I let that fear get the best of me it not only hurts me but the rest of my family also. I also tried not caring or loving anyone, and that was just plain crazy. It drove me nuts and my family nuts. So I decided to be stronger than the fear. I also have s very serious relationship with God. which started after I was done going balistic on God, relgion, and faith. I have to say my faith does play a big role in keeping the fear at bay. I still have that fear but it has been slowed way down since I finally figured out I cant control everything. Keep talking about it. It helps to let your feelings  about fear out. try not to think about it happening again if you can cause it doesnt do anything but waste time.

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on February 2, 2012 at 5:35pm

I agree, our children are more than memories to us.  They are a part of us, forever.  Anne, I also agree with what you said about people.  Many people, just don't know what to say or do to help us.  They say the wrong things sometimes, but I let it go knowing that they don't mean to do it on purpose but they just don't know what to say or do.  Since my youngest son passed, I have this fear about my oldest son sometimes.  If something ever happened to him....  I just can't imagine.  Peace to you all my friends. 

Comment by anne on February 2, 2012 at 5:14pm

Please dont be too upset about memories. People say stuff because they dont know what to say or how to say it. I always go back to the phrase " they are ignorant and know not what they say" People on the outside could not imagine what we go through. So I just learned to not listen. I just nod my head. I didnt get to see my little boy after he died. He was burned beyond anything, but I did get to hold him in the bag. Now I dont mean to be crude but I believe in being honest. My oldest son I did get to see and hold and I remember that all I could think was that he just needed to wake up. All of those things stem from greif and shock. When I saw him again for his funeral I remember thinking " I'm all out of options"  We all handle this in different ways. I had terrible nightmares for years after my little boy died in that car fire. I thought I was going to lose what little was left of my mind. When Ben (my oldest boy) was killed it was so different. The whole thing from begining to the end was so different. I'm not even sure how to explain it or if I can.I guess the reality of it all for me is Life will never be the same no matter what I do, but at times I do enjoy remembering the way life was, and the laughter, but i've been doing this greif thing for a long time so. I know in my heart that my boys are more than a memory, and that's something no one can ever take from me.

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