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Comment by Brenda Ann on February 7, 2012 at 8:02am

Dear Karen,

I tried to send you a message, but I cannot do that until you accept my friend request. I just wish I lived close to you and could give you some "real" hugs. As you wrote of your feelings, my heart breaks for you with total empathy, your pain in my heart. Sweetheart, you are such a blessing.  All this was not your fault, but I am sure that you have tried to tell yourself that many times. The reality is that emotion and this kind of depth of love is from the heart. Your heart is broke - healing from that cannot just be reasoned out - there are no time lines - this is your way to live through this horrible accident. Your son was broken physically and you were broken emotionally. You are normal and this is a journey not a destination. As a broken arm takes time to heal so does a broken heart take time to heal. By the way "heal" does not mean that you forget nor that it doesn't hurt. It is a blessing that you are able to write your feeingls to this group. Many of us have been where you are. That place where you can feel the weight of your own heart in your chest. I will keep you in my prayers...

Sincerely,

Brenda

mawmaw1591@gmail.com

www.grief-and-comfort.com

Comment by Grace on February 7, 2012 at 5:21am

Karen... my son was a total organ donor... eyes bone brain...and I can relate to what you are talking about... I have had nightmares of the surgery  to harvest his organs... and I have also felt that he should just wake up... I lay with him in his hospital bed... just could not imagine this horrible nightmare...

But I have met the recipient of his heart.  We have become friends and I have been on the TRANSPLANT Friends Facebook group and one for Heart Recipients.... I read how grateful they are for the Gift they have been given. And the deep love and respect they have for donor families.

I have kept in touch with the Organ Recovery program to find out how the recipients are doing... The liver recipient has passed...but had 9 more months with his family... the others are doing wonderful.  I understand too the stress that the Heart recipient has endured waiting for her heart.... and because she is such a beautiful woman...I know Niles heart is in a good place.... I even listened to it with a stethescope.   Yes... I want it in his chest beating too... but it would now be in a box marked cremains..... and that is a discussion on it's own.... to think that that is where my little boy is now....

Comment by Karen R. on February 6, 2012 at 10:49pm

Greetings to all, I havent been on in a few days and I just took the time to read through everyone's postings. I am truly saddened as well as grateful to have all of you on this site. I still have moments of disbelief that I am even a member of such a group....."Missing my son or daughter", on a online grief support group, are you kidding me?! It still doesn't seem real. As I was reading, I thought of that  horrible day when I was told that there was nothing else they could do for my son and I was in such denial about anything being "over". I have talked in the past about my guilt over agreeing to donate one of my son's kidneys after I rationalized that people live with 1 kidney all the time, so I agreed to only give 1 kidney because I convinced myself that he would recover and faith,  along with my pleading with "GOD", would pull him through all of this. I wasn't connecting that they were saying that my son was gone and I am a R.N.!! None of that matters when it's your child. I convinced myself that he needed some rest to heal and in the meanwhile, I could help someone else. I was so excited as I waited for him to come out of "surgery". I rushed into the "recovery room" and there was my beautifil 21yr old son, laying in the bed, looking like his regular self as if I could wake him.......and boy did I try. I begged my son to respond to me and prove everyone wrong, I pleaded with the Almighty to show that medical team who was in charge. I reminded God of my good deeds and my good heart and asked to find favor with me and my son. I tried to help my son give me a hug and his arms just flopped down to his sides, about a hour later or so, my husband and my sister and a few friends that were in the room with me, told me that we had to leave.....I wasn't getting it and I guess I am still not "GETTING IT" a little over 2 yrs now. I slowly started to feel like I helped end my son's life, I blamed myself for letting them have his kidney, I totally regret it now, I wish I never did it. I feel like i didnt give him enough time to recover, I feel like he thinks I gave up on him, even though that was not my intentions. I thought I would be excited to meet the 16yr old boy whose life was spared because of my loss. I think meeting him would confirm that my son is gone and I can't accept that. I can only imagine the joy his parents felt that night. I know my thoughts may sound irrational to some but I just want my son back, I want him back now, not later. Maybe one day I will meet the boy that recieved my son's kidney. I am just strickened so much guilt and pain.

Comment by Brenda Ann on February 6, 2012 at 3:56pm

Dick,

I am so sorry your day has been so hard. I will remember you in my prayers.
Our son flew home today. Another friend passed away this weekend - that is 2 in 4 weeks. I have such a long history with these two... Such a feeling of loss like the people who really know me are gone. Jesus wept when his friend died, it is comforting that he knows how we feel and cares so much.
May you all have peace.
Brenda

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on February 6, 2012 at 11:42am

Days are harder not easier.  Never have gone almost 6 months without seeing my son.  Unbearable.  People are going away.  Just me trying to deal with the loss.

Comment by Robin Jone on February 5, 2012 at 9:46pm

Lorraine, I couldn't watch the game either, I just don't care. Went to church today and my pastor told about anger and resentment, and being able to move on. I told us to pray for whoever we might be angry at, and I told him after the service I think the person I am angry at is my son, Zach. It hurts me so much to say that, but I am angry that he had wanted to get a closer look at the water fall. If he wouldn;t have done that, he would still be here today. Just feeling very sad the last few nights. Stephanie, I understand what you mean about wanted to hold something tangible.. I still sleep with a pair of Zach's favorite shorts, something to hold but it is not enough. Its not silly and if it would make you feel better, no one needs to know but you. Thanks for listening. Hugs to all. Robin

Comment by Lorraine on February 5, 2012 at 5:43pm

Robin, you are not a horrible mother.  I had to go back to work two days after Sy's "Celebration of Life."  It was one of the most painful things I have ever had to do, and if anyone told me I would even be able to get out of bed, I would have told them they were insane.  On the flip side, a friend of mine had a nervous breakdown after Sy's death; she couldn't handle it.  I remember resenting that she had the "luxury" of a breakdown when I had to keep going even though all I wanted to do was die.  Tonight is Super Bowl and the same teams are playing that were playing when Silas had cancer.  His last year here.  We were at the home of a friends because they lived closer to Boston and he had to go for chemo in the am.  It's all so painful, I feel like crying instead of watching the game.  I can't say that anything is easy anymore, it just isn't.  Like Allen, it's been over three years and I know for sure he isn't coming back.  

Comment by Stephanie on February 5, 2012 at 1:30pm

i came across a woman who makes dolls, they look so real, and have weights like real  babies.  she can even do them with the face from a photograph. i want so bad to have one made - of my daughter. i want to hold it all the time.  i ache to hold onto something tangible. can u just imagine what people would say? they'd say "now Stephanie's REALLY lost it!"  any thoughts?

Comment by Dick on February 5, 2012 at 9:27am

Bad day, I am leaving your brother and Melissa in San Diego and returning home. I feel so lonely. I miss you a lot.

Comment by Brenda Ann on February 5, 2012 at 5:51am

Allan,
Have you ever read the poem, Footprints in the Sand? Is it possible that when you felt that God was not there to help during the aftermath of your daughter's death, were the times he was helping the most?

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