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Comment by Stephanie on February 13, 2012 at 5:26am

dearest Karen, you did right, you did so right by him, i promise you that... what an amazing thing he could have given - life. i'm going to answer you more properly - just right now i am going thru one of those times - the agonizing days when you cant function. i bring up all the time, cant keep anything down, i get physically sick with the grief. but it will pass and i so want to write you. all my love, steph xxx

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on February 13, 2012 at 2:48am

Karen
My heart aches for you. I try to go as often as I can. The cemetery is an hour and a half away. I know he's not there. But I think he hears me there for some reason. So I talk to him. I pray for him. And I ask for forgiveness. Because I should have been able to do better as his mother. This is a difficult week for me. Don was born on Valentines day. We will never be who we were. None of us. It is so painful.

Comment by Karen R. on February 13, 2012 at 12:10am

As I sit here sobbing, while my heart is breaking over and over again, I wish I could erase all of the pain that we are all experiencing, I wish that this was never a part of this life.

Comment by Karen R. on February 13, 2012 at 12:05am

Hello to all.....Does anyone else visit the cemetary often?  I have to admit that when I do go, I hope to find my son, I tell my self that he his lost, I tell my self that he regained consciousness was able to escape when everyone left before it was too late. I was the first one to leave, I could not bare to watch my son be lowered, no way : (

Comment by Karen R. on February 12, 2012 at 11:58pm

Hey Dick, I feel your sadness. I felt that way when my son's monument was placed. I go to my son's final resting place often and just me, I feel sick to my stomach every time. I drive there in such disbelief like I am dreaming all of this. It's so sad, I have made new friends at the cementary, we all kind of take care of each other's loved ones space. I weep and sob as i sit there in my chair that I keep in my trunk.  Sometimes I stay for a few minutes but most times I stay there for hours.  My children don't understand why I go so often if it causes me so much pain but I feel like I have to. I feel like I have to take care of his "place" and let my son know that out of everyone in this world, his mom has NOT forgotten him. My son's final resting place is only about a 5 minute car ride away from my house. Some of my 'religious' friends/family, try to convince me that my son is not there, that it is only his flesh but I'm sorry, my faith is really rocky....pretty much gone, that does not comfort me. All I know is that they put my baby down there.

Comment by Karen R. on February 12, 2012 at 11:42pm

Hey Stephanie,   as my son became totally dependent on the ventilator and lost the ability to maintain a blood pressure without medication, a catscan along with some other diagnostic tests, revealed to "them", meaning the head neurologist, that my son was brain dead. He said that he no longer had any perfusion or circulation to his brain. When I heard those words, I blocked out what he was trying to tell me and then I was approached with this "option" of donation. The doctor said that there was nothing else left that they could do to help him recover and I convinced myself that they were wrong. I rationalized that he just needed a "break" from the machines and I wanted my son to show them that he wasn't gone, that he could still feel. I told myself that it was just "surgery" and he could help someone and he would still survive because we can all live with one kidney but not without any. My regret and my guilt set in as soon as I went into his "recovery room" after the "surgery" and I didn't see him breathing, I even wanted him to go back on the vent, I tried to wake him. I felt like I had made a big mistake.  But as I have recently mentioned, since reading some of the supportive postings, my feelings may change or maybe not but I may consider meeting with the recipient.

What is your situation?

Comment by Karen R. on February 12, 2012 at 11:20pm

Dear Grace, thanks so much for your input by sharing your experience. I am starting to consider trying to communicate with the recipient and his family. He was 16yrs old when he recieved my son's kidney. I have to admit that sometimes I think I may become obcessed with communicating with him, like being a crazy stalker. My heart just aches.

Comment by Dick on February 12, 2012 at 6:37pm

I just feel sick today, I am sure it is not physical. It is just in my mind.

Comment by Dick on February 12, 2012 at 6:36pm

I went to Danny's grave today. They finally got the marker and placed it. I think it hit me as the finality of my earthly relationship with Danny. I had to just weep in the rain. I am sad today.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on February 11, 2012 at 11:53pm

Valentines day is my sons birthday. He would have been 45. For some Valentines day is just a fun day. For me it was the best day of my year. I miss my valentine. My loving son. I just want to go back.

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