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Comment by Karen R. on February 15, 2012 at 8:28pm

I know Adrianne, what lesson is this?!  I had asked myself why did I think I would be exempt from from this type of loss/pain?  Why did I always think that it would always be someone else's child? I guess that's why sometimes I feel like I was being punished, maybe "GOD" was showing me that I wasn't as "good" as I thought I was. Did it happen for God to show me that I wasn't a good mother to my son, was it pay back for making him leave that night and not taking his side against his grandfather? Did it happen to strengthen my faith or destroy it? What is the lesson, what is the reason? So far, I can't think of a reason, I can't think of a single thing that would make sense to me or make all of this "ok". My missing link could never be replaced. This whole nightmare has just reaffirmed what I already knew, and that is how fragile life really is. I just hoped that my children would bury me, to me, that would be the greatest blessing I could have received. I want my son and my life back.

Comment by Karen R. on February 15, 2012 at 8:10pm

Hello Dick  and Robin, its good to hear that you have refrained from using alcohol and any other drugs. I could see how easy it would especially since you drank in the past. I wonder if I would be as strong if I had drank before. When my son's best friend passed away a year before him, his mother was at the burial holding a bag that had a bottle of alcohol in it. Just before they began to lower her son, also 21yrs old at that time, she took the bottle out and started to guzzle it.......my heart just melted as I watched her do that, I will NEVER forget that. I knew there was nothing i could say or do to comfort her,  I never thought that I would be following her footsteps shortly after.

Comment by BeccA on February 15, 2012 at 7:59pm

Robin

I really relate to so much you have commented about. As well as with Adrianne and Robin today.  It is tough to try to learn just How to carry on after the losses.  My heart goes out to you all.  God bless.  Becca

Comment by Robin Jone on February 15, 2012 at 6:55pm

I know what you all mean about that others will forget. I try to bring Zach up in conversation as often as I can. I don't know if people feel uncomfortable or not, I don't really care because I will never forget. I think about him first thing in the morning when I wake up and many times during the day, and last thing before I go to bed at night. I feel like the last couple of weeks it is just getting harder. I have been going to church, which in a way brings me relief because I always end up crying, but on the other hand I always feel like everyone is looking at me. I know I shouldn't care, a lot of the people there are my friends and know what I am going through and only want to help. I always felt so much pain for people who had lost a child, and wondered how they got through it. I never thought I would be one of those people. I don't think we ever get through it, but hopefully I will survive this. I know what you mean Karen about the drinking and getting high. I am a recovering alcoholic, have not drank for 30 years one day at a time, but this has definitely been a test. The only thing between me and a drink or some other mind altering chemical right now I think must my higher power, which I chose to call God. It would be so easy to just get numb, but like Dick said, after I sobered up or came down the facts would still be the same. My Zach is gone and will not be walking through the front door every again. God please help us all find some peace. Robin

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on February 15, 2012 at 6:39pm

Karen
Though I am not a nurse. I too feel exactly like you. I do feel the anxiety that others will forget Don. Especially my family. We have a huge Italian family so they are all busy with their kids and grandkids. It hurts to read the happy posts. I feel like I don't belong to them anymore because I'm so different. I too cry for others, hurt when I see roadside flowers, etc. I think about it for a long time too. It's hard enough that I have lost my son. I have always been the one sensitive to others when everyone else got over it within a few minutes and were back to laughing and doing normal things. My husband can't talk to me either. This is so painful. It's been said we plan our own lives so that we can learn from it. If so, what kind of lesson is this?

Comment by Dick on February 15, 2012 at 6:28pm

Karen, 

Those are my thoughts as well. I used to drink alcohol, not abuse it. I have chosen not to take another drop since my son passed. I want the full range of emotions.

I have always noticed roadside markers and understood what they stood for, they are just more real to me now.

I had a bench placed in our church garden in memory of Danny, I sit on it each day on my way home from work to ask for absolution and forgiveness. 

Comment by Karen R. on February 15, 2012 at 4:25pm

I wonder if the day will come that I will be able to say that all of this is getting easier. For me, time is going by and i am not feeling that way. Counting the days, weeks, months and years that are coming and going, only sadly remind me that my son hasn't come home yet. It just feels like the days are getting longer, not better. I see my son's friends as a reminder that he is not around. Some days....a lot of days.....I have to convince myself that my son is "ok" and away on a "vacation", just for me to get through the day to ease my anxiety. I am so glad that I have never been a person that experimented with drugs or drink alcohol because I would probably abuse it and stay drunk/high all the time. I see how it could happen. I thought about getting some anti depressant medication but I don't like the side effects. I was desperate enough one night to drive my self to the ER for admission to a psych unit because I felt so alone  but I turned my car around and told myself they wouldn't be able to help me or probably just tell me what I don't want to hear.

Comment by Karen R. on February 15, 2012 at 4:10pm

Does anyone else ever have any anxiety over the thoughts of people forgetting our children, mainly family and close friends? I agonize over this a lot. I guess it's because i see how the world is going on without my son. I once considered myself a rational person and a intelligent person, so I thought I understood that this is the ugly side of life. I have always been the person that was moved by roadside memorials and such. I would always realize that hey, someone's loved one passed away. I was always able to empathize with stories of loss in the news papers or on the news. I am a nurse, so I have seen first hand unfortunately many tragedies and the loss of life, young to the very old. I never became desensitized, i always imagined how this person could be someone I loved or cared for. I have had to prepare patients that passed away for their ones to come to and see them before they have to be moved. There were many times that I wept for them and their families. I never provided postmortem care as if they were a "body", this person had a life. Some health care providers become so desensitized that they try to have normal conversations and even joke around during this preparation, but I would NEVER allow that, I thought that was very disrespectful and showed no compassion. As a matter of fact, it use to make me angry.  I say all of this to say that nothing could have prepared me for the sudden tragic loss of my young son.  Do people really realize how fragile life is or not until they actually experience losses like we have? I have always said that there can't be anything worse or more traumatic, than having to bury your child, no matter what age or what circumstance. I never imagined that I would be walking in these shoes! I haven't worked since months before my son passed away due to my health problem, I wish I could return because it would probably help distract me from my own grief.

Thanks again to all for always listening, love karen R.

Comment by Kar on February 15, 2012 at 9:47am

Yes Ammy as I read so much of everyone's feelings are mine as well,  

 My husband makes me feel so alone in my grief and when I come here I feel more understood.   Not that he is not struggling - just that he does not talk about it-  -  -    when I ask him again this morning to talk to me as I sat with tears dripping off my face he said-  what is there to talk about----!!!   we can't change it.....   I see why so many parents living in this hell - loose their marriage as well.

Comment by Ammy on February 14, 2012 at 5:51pm

I almost forgot to post something a friend had sent me and I wanted to share.  It may be a blessing to someone.

Love is a gift.  It makes you feel richer, deeper, and brighter.  When a loved one is gone, taken, it feels like the gift is gone.  Remember that you are a different person because of their love.  You would be another you if their life hadn't graced your life.  Although you long for their physical form, remember that the gift -- their love -- remains with you now and forever.

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