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Comment by Karen R. on March 18, 2012 at 7:24pm

Hey Adrienne, I was just thinking the same thing about Dick, i hope that he is alright.  I wonder if anyone has any other contact info for him..

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on March 18, 2012 at 5:47pm

Been worried about Dick. Hasn't been on here much.

Comment by Stephanie on March 18, 2012 at 1:38pm

i know adrianne, i know. all those parts of him are still in you. how sore it is. how do we bear it? i dont know, but we do!  just like the pain we never knew existed, so we discover strengths in us we never knew existed. otherwise we could not bear it. maybe they're glad to see that we develop these strengths. one day we will understand, one day...... ((hugs)) steph

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on March 17, 2012 at 1:57am

7 months in just a few minutes. 7 months of not seeing or talking to my son that I saw and talked to more than anyone else. It hurts in places I never knew existed. I want to rewind and go back. I didn't lose the grown man. I lost the baby, toddler, boy, teen, and adult. I want to remember it all but without this pain.

Comment by Grace on March 16, 2012 at 9:23pm

My other son just told me he dreamed about Niles...mainly he was snuggling and hugging him.... he said it was not bad having such a dream... infact he was kind of ok dreaming this dream about his brother... I guess it makes me feel not so alone to know that others also dream of him and then reality of him not being here any more.

I don't know why this kid has been in my brain so much... everywhere like the compassionate friend writing posted earlier....  I look at kids his age and think he would be..... age or today I saw on a school bulletin board footprints... and it reminded me of the hospital making his footprint and handprint after declaring he was brain dead..... just things that keep him at the top of my thoughts.  and it will be 3 years in May....

Comment by Stephanie on March 16, 2012 at 7:01pm

thanx grace, we have an extra connection because of the "disabilities" our kids had. its so so hard.  strength to you special friend. you are an online friend, but probably the closest friend i have in this painful situation xxx

Comment by Grace on March 16, 2012 at 5:57pm

HUGS Stephanie... I know the feeling...

Comment by Stephanie on March 16, 2012 at 5:48pm

hello dear friends. my daughter had CP - she was dependent on me for everything - physically. and even verbally i was the only one who could understand her. but her mind was so alive and bright, she was so festive and loved to shriek and "clap" to birthdays and celebrations, to songs and play. she really really battled though.  her 4th angel date is coming up on 24 april. i have been craving to see her, so for the first time - maybe in almost a year - i just watched some video of her - i cried bitterly bitterly bitterly. how she suffered, how she fought, how she and i loved each other.  of course it hadn't helped also just having watched Lorenzo's Oil on TV.  dont know if any of you have seen it. but when my daughter was at her worst stages, she was a bit like that.  ive now cried so much my head feels like its going go explode from pain. ive taken some pain killers.  she passed when she wsa 12. our life revolved around her needs, and entertaining her. i'm sad for the hard life she had. and im also sad she passed on. what terrible terrible pain. will i survive it?

Comment by Ammy on March 16, 2012 at 11:09am

I hear all of you.  Our children, with their differences, were all unique to us.  Whatever a child goes through we go through it too.

Karen, I'm glad you printed it our for your daughter.  I wanted to post it everywhere myself and send it to everyone because they just don't get it.  I understand that because I never got it before it happened to me.  I hope your daughter will take it to heart and come to an understanding of your grief.

On a good thought; we have heard from the coroner (finally) after several mailings and he is going to make an appointment with us again in April.  Then, this morning the phone rang at 9 and I wasn't going to answer it because the caller ID had an unknown name and I thought it was someone soliciting, but decided to pick it up to tell them to stop calling, but it was someone from the District Attorney's office responding to my letter to them.  They want to come and talk to us and review my son's medical records to see if the doctor was negligent in his prescribing the medication that resulted in his not waking up.  They scheduled an appointment for next Thursday.  I am feeling good about this.  It has taken 20 months to get here and all I can say is that maybe persistence does get action because we have not let up on the Coroner or the police investigation. The Detective has admitted that they didn't investigate properly at the time and now they have nothing to move forward with on their end.  That is in reference to who stole my son's medication and belongings.

In our hearts we believe that whoever was there watched him in stress and didn't call 911 so they could take his stuff.  I'm not sure they thought it was a fatal situation, but they cared more for the 'stuff' than they did for his well being.

Sorry, I know it's confusing but there is too much to go into it all and whatever happens I will accept, but I will know that I did everything I possibly could to have some justice for my son, and so his daughter will someday know that this was not his doing.  He would never have left her.  

They had such a strong bond even though she was so young.  He was a hands on dad.  Almost every morning he would be there to give her breakfast, then bring her here for awhile, and then go back at night to get her ready for bed, read her a story, and wait til she fell asleep before coming home.  I thought he would fade from her memory since she was only 21 months when he left, but she still talks about him.  So sad.

I can't imagine what goes on in her little mind as I know I have trouble with the things that go on in mine.  I still sometimes think he will be back, but then the truth comes to me and all I can do is cry.  I still miss and need him so much.  

Okay, thanks for letting me vent again.  Tears are starting to flow again.  Getting things out sometimes helps my day, but other times it sets it off for a worse day.  Will see what happens as the day progresses.

Blessings, love, and hugs to all. ♥

Comment by Karen R. on March 16, 2012 at 9:46am

Thanks so much Ammy for sharing. I printed it so I can give a copy to my older daughter that just simply wants me to "STOP" all of this already. I don't discuss my feelings with her anyone. She tells me that she is not going to encourage my grief, she doesn't get it. Thanks again.

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