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Comment by Karen R. on April 4, 2012 at 11:33pm

Hey Michelle, thank you also for your support. I just feel like I'm crazy......maybe, perhaps, that is because I am "crazy". I think my biggest problem is that I can no longer share my thoughts with my family, including my children because they just don't get it. I know they worry about me but it hurts me that I can't express what i am really going through. Thats why I am so grateful for you and all the other members, even though it saddens me at the same time that such a group exists. In a perfect world, we would never know this pain.

Comment by Karen R. on April 4, 2012 at 11:27pm

Hey Dick, thanks for your support. You are right. My 'special' place is usually when I'm in my car alone. Maybe I shouldn't hold it in out in public, I just feel bad for the people that feel bad for me when they see me explode into tears. Sometimes I just feel like I need so many hugs.

Comment by Dick on April 4, 2012 at 10:56pm

I spoke with my minister Monday morning before work, he and Danny worked with the youth group. Therefore, he knows Danny well. We both identified my problem "I miss being a father". 

Comment by Michelle W on April 4, 2012 at 10:55pm

Karen, I spend alot of time at home just because of that same reason.It crushes me to see the Kids as I call them..If its a teenage girl all I think of is did she know my son? If its a boy ..Its boy he sure looks like my son or maybe they where friends , It is so hard to know everyone has moved ahead and I'm frozen in time. I usually spend alot of time crying after I have entered a store or before I go in. I have decided I really have not accepted he is gone.so you are not alone in feeling that way.

Comment by Dick on April 4, 2012 at 10:52pm

I am toying with becoming a Boy Scoutmaster once again. I miss being a father and mentor; I think it will honour Danny's memory since he and his brother were both Eagles. BSA has approached me several times about being a commissioner as well; considering.

Comment by Dick on April 4, 2012 at 10:47pm

Karen,

I see boys my son's age and wonder. I generally can save my grief for the church garden and water the roses with my tears. I think you must find your special place to grieve; grieve hard and it maybe better for you in public.

Comment by Karen R. on April 4, 2012 at 10:20pm

Hey everyone. I am going through another phase of breaking down in public places. I get so overwhelmed, I start to explode into tears. I think I may have to stay home a little more for right now. Today, when I was in a store, a young man caught my attention and I became fixated on him. He reminded me of my son sooooo much. It's like I became a stalker, I found my self following him down every isle that he was stocking the shelves. He would occasionally give me a polite smile, poor thing probably thought that I was flirting with him. Finally, I apologized to him for staring and I explained that he reminded me so much of my son. He happened to be the same age my was when he passed away. My eyes welled up with tears and I told that my son passed away. I didn't mean to make him feel uncomfortable, he gave his condolences. I wanted to give him a hug so bad but I didnt want him to think that I was a total nut case.  I thanked him, and quickly left the isle, as I walked away, I just sobbed and sobbed. It's like every "boy"-young man I saw, had my son's face, it was like I was hallucinating. I hated that feeling. It's like I was envious how all of their lives were going on in the world and my son wasn't. I usually can hold back my tears until I get out of the store but lately I can't. I sat in my car and began to hit my head with both hands........not to hurt myself but as if I can beat the thoughts out of my head because surely I must be going crazy because nothing happened to my son. I tell myself that its all my imagination and I need to snap out of it. 

Thanks for listening

Comment by Grace on April 4, 2012 at 7:19pm

After almost 3 years, My son died the end of May 2009,  I got a call today from the Autism Tissue Program.  His brain was donated for researching Autism and Epilepsy,

I was shocked because I thought they would come within weeks of the death to interview me... but waited until today to call me to set up an appointment for May 16.

She said I had sent such a large amount of medical data and his IEP's that it helped answer many questions.... but they may have additional questions to ask and they are compiling information about where the research has gone with his donated brain.   My son was a total organ donor except for his lungs were not used.

I am interested to get this information.... but it also continues to remind me that he is gone.... not that I don't know this... it just reaffirms it....  I don't know how I feel and I hope I stand up to the visit.... I worry I may fall apart... I guess I just THINK about Niles and this whole concept....   I sure do Miss him EVERYDAY.... I still can not wrap my mind around this.... losing a child...

I noticed that it has been kind of quiet in this group... and yet we face another holiday.... the one where HE has Risen and gives us hope that Our Loved Ones have too....  Yet I just can not wrap my mind around any of this....

Comment by Michelle W on April 4, 2012 at 7:08pm

Rosie..,here is a virtual hug... I also have been having a bad couple weeks.,, and miss my son more then anything, he was my sunshine... And now thing seem so dark.,,I hope things brighten up for you this week.,

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on April 4, 2012 at 6:18pm

Hi everyone, been having a rough few weeks.  Sending you all hugs.  Missing my son so much today. 

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