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Comment by Rosie Fletcher on April 13, 2012 at 8:02am

Robin, I know how you feel.  I went through something similar.  My son was so In Love with this girl he had met.  I remember a month after his funeral, she had changed her facebook status to in a relationship and posted a picture of her and her boyfriend.  I remember feeling like someone ran a knife thru my heart.  I was so angry... I remember unfriending her in facebook.  All I could think of was how hard Sam was trying to impress her, that he felt she would be a great influence on him since he was trying so hard to be off drugs.  I remember, just crying that evening after I defriended her on facebook.  Deep down I wasn't really mad at her but just the fact that Sam never got a chance to prove to her how much he loved her.  Argghhhh....    Hugs to you all.  It's rainy and depressing outside and it always makes me feel even more sad.

Comment by Lisa Adams on April 13, 2012 at 7:37am

Thank you Brenda.  I know what you mean about not realizing the seriousness of sepsis.  When I took Roxanne to the ER it was 4am on Monday morning.  She was conscious, talking, coherent.  By 7am Monday she was on a ventilator and 24 hrs later she was gone.  It happened that fast. And the really had part was that she was finally turning a corner with her GP and seemed to be getting better, stronger. 

The other thing the autopsy showed was that the sepsis came from her PICC line and no other possible place. And the Dr stated that she believed if the line had been removed on Friday when it first came into question, that I would still have my daughter.  So now we are dealing with THAT anger.

Comment by Brenda Ann on April 13, 2012 at 6:33am

Lisa,

I am glad that you were able to get some answers and peace from their findings.  We have watched all the TV shows that evidentially set unrealistic expectations that autopsies are done quickly and provide ALL the answers.  I still will never understand why it takes so long. 

A couple of years ago my Mom went into septic shock, she responded quickly and she is well today.  However, my sister and I just didn’t grasp the seriousness of her condition.  Mom was out of it and talking about crazy stuff.  Well in our defense, it was the middle of the night and my sister and I were down right slap-happy.  Everything was funny and we laughed harder than I had in years.  It has been only recently that we realize how serious going septic is – I wish someone would have told us and we wouldn’t feel so guilty now.  The only good thing is Mom laughs with us about that night and praises the Phenergan and other drugs they had given her cause she was quite happy.  Got to say I didn’t know that being septic could do such terrible damage to a person’s organs.

Maybe we can learn something by the way Jesus made it through the terrible death and torture he suffered.  The Bible says at Hebrews 12:2, 3 “as we look intently at the Chief Agent and Perfecter of our faith, Jesus. For the joy that was set before him he endured a torture stake, despising shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Indeed, consider closely the one who has endured such contrary talk by sinners against their own interests, that YOU may not get tired and give out in YOUR souls.”  Jesus saw the end result – he looked to the future and the joy of his own sacrifice buying all mankind from irreversible death due to sin – and being back in heaven with his father – “the joy that was set before him”.  Jesus ransom and our faith in that sacrifice puts us in line for the blessings he and his father’s Kingdom government will bring.  (Revelation 21:4) “And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.”  This does not magically take the pain away but it is how I make it through. . .   Maybe it can help you too?

(1 Thessalonians 1:1) “May YOU have undeserved kindness and peace.”

Your friend,

Brenda

www.grief-and-comfort.com

 

Comment by anna l. on April 13, 2012 at 1:23am

Oh Robin I feel for you.  And I understand.  My son that died was married after he was injured and they had no children.  On day his wife will meet someone and go on with her life without my son.  It is not a day I want to come, but its like you say she deserves to be happy again.  I want that for her but it will just drive home all that should have been and wont now.  Hugs of understanding.

 

Comment by Robin Jone on April 12, 2012 at 11:15pm

Thanks Anna for your advice. I have been having a really hard night tonight. I had dinner with my son's girlfriend tonight. She wanted to be the first to tell me that she is developing feelings for someone else. I am so glad that she felt she could come and talk to me, and I put on the "mask" and told her how she deserves to be happy and that Zach would want her to be happy. I do believe all those things that I said to her, but when I got home I just cried and cried for hours. I think it just was another sign that he is definitely not coming back. Every time something that shows me that this is all real, that I can't change what happened, its like I get punched in the heart. Has anyone else gone through this. I think she realized after that it might have hurt me, and she assured me my son will always be a part of her life, that she will always love him. I feel bad because I think I made her sad, its just so f***ing hard. I am so mad that this had to happen, life is just so unfair. I know you all understand and won't think I am a terrible person for how I am feeling. She is very close with one all my daughters, but one in particular. I asked her to please tell her because I didn't want to know and my daughter to not know. I'm afraid it is going to have the same effect on her as well. I told my son's girlfriend that I knew eventually this would happen, and it should happen. She does deserve to be happy, but it is just so hard. They should have been able to have a life together, and get married and have kids. I'm sorry, I just don't know who to talk to. I don't want to tell my husband because I know it will upset him for the same reasons it is upsetting me. We just want to be able to fix this, and make Zach come back to us. I know its not going to happen. Just another hurdle I have to go through, sometimes I just get so tired of hurting. Hugs to us all. Robin

Comment by anna l. on April 11, 2012 at 11:05pm

Hi Robin, my advice on how to approach the subject with your facilitator is to sit down and write a letter.  It might take awhile to get it out the way you want to say it, but once given she can read and process it before you see her again.  When we talk to someone if we say something that upsets them they get hung up on that one thing.  The rest of what we say gets lost. A letter is very powerful because they can read it again and again without getting stuck on just the negative.  You can explain how much you were getting out of the sessions until things changed.  You can express concern for what she is going through and you can use that to show her how much a good session can help the others like yourself who are hurting in a different way.   I hope this helps you get back to where you were in your therapy. 

Comment by Lisa Adams on April 11, 2012 at 8:35pm

Thanks for asking Brenda. It went well actually and did give me a sense of closure and a type of peace.  The Drs assured me that the autopsy results bore out the fact that even if we had placed Roxanne on ECHMO life support, she would have still died.  It might have bought her an extra hour or two but that would have been all.  The infection and subsequent shock had damaged and/or destroyed all of her major organs. There was still no indication of what caused her gastroparesis to begin with and I expected that, so no big shock there.  

Comment by Robin Jone on April 11, 2012 at 2:58pm

Hi Everyone, have not written on here for awhile. I sometimes get tired of myself saying the same old thing. I managed to get through Easter, it was nice having all my family at home for the weekend but missed Zach so very much. My husband has been going to a therapist, it seems to be helping him a little. I usually do better with group sessions, but the group I have been going to the woman who is the Chair seems to get distracted and talks a lot about things that are not related or helpful. She has been through a lot in her life, but I wish there was a way to let her know I think she is not being helpful to others that go there when she goes off on unrelated topics. It ends up making the meeting last so much longer than it is supposed, and I think it puts others off. Any suggestions from anyone on how to handle this? It is so important to us that need somewhere to talk about our grief, but it is getting so frustrating. Big hugs to all, thanks for always being supportive and knowing what to say. Robin

Comment by Brenda Ann on April 11, 2012 at 2:25pm

Lisa, How did it go today?  I hope the answers you need are answered.  Lean on God to get you through.  Isaiah 41:10.  Keeping you in my prayers.

Brenda

Comment by Grace on April 11, 2012 at 10:13am

Lisa... I am meeting with the Autism Tissue Program to learn what they learned from my son's brain donation.....I can relate to your feelings... I also heard that Autism has been connected to women with diabetes..... yet... does it even really matter?

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