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Comment by Michelle W on April 19, 2012 at 4:12am

Grace,
You explained it perfectly when saying it was like being erased, my son has been gone for 5 months now and I still can speak his name at the house without upsetting my husband or daughter.... He. Is frozen in time for me.... I'm still waiting for him to come back from that stupid football game that I know will never happen.Mentioning his name is like a dagger to everyone around me including people only spoken to one the phone. I was so proud of my son Billy and always bragged and boasted about all the great things he did and was going to do, but now I have to remain silent with all this grief and anger... It hurts tremendously and I feel like I am alone because of the pain it causes to even sleek my sons name to anyone.., I just want to scream his name till I'm blue.,,,, god I miss him, he was my rock.,

N

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on April 18, 2012 at 11:21pm

Grace
You said how I feel perfectly. It's heartbreaking. I can barely breathe. He's so long gone. It's only 8 months. Where is he?

Comment by Grace on April 18, 2012 at 6:38pm

As I mentioned in an earlier comment... a friend expressed that when her father died they had the funeral... and basically went on... I still have my memorials... Because I hold tight to the memory of my Niles....  on his Birthday yesterday... I looked at the pictures of his life and how he has been like erased from existance.... and I want to tell my friends with children to look at the photographs of thier child and imagine just erasing them from existence! to the remains of ashes in a box.... I look at those photos of young vibrant soft faces and HE IS GONE.... I can not Call him on the phone... get on a plane and travel the world to find him at College..... it is like he is wiped off the earth... I just can not imagine that he is Gone almost 3 years... yes the funeral is over... but it really isn't over for me... I cling to those pictures... and for me... he is standing still in time at age 14.  Even though "He WOULD HAVE BEEN 17 Yesterday"   What would he be doing?  No... my friends just REALLY Can not Imagine....  and I don't know of anyway that I can explain it to them... except to rip that photo and tear thier child out of existence?    And we all know that by the time 3 years have passed... they wonder WHY we can not move on... (Like they have with the death of a parent)  I too lost my Dad... and a husband when I was Young.... but my Niles was created in my body and was given Life by me..... It just seems not to be the same.... but more RAW pain.... and maybe it is a Mother's Nature to Hang on to our Young.....   Hugs.... I hope you can somewhat relate to what I am talking about... I have lost hope that anyone close to me that has not had this experience will ever feel comfortable with these raw emotions as 3 years later... I STILL SOB and hold on to my Niles.....

Comment by Robin Jone on April 18, 2012 at 6:01pm

Thanks Karen for your comment. It is helps to come on here and know that you all understand how I am feeling. I tried to talk to a friend about it and explain how upset I was about Zach's girlfriend moving on. She really didn't get it, she kept definding her say they weren't married, and it was right that she move on. I am not arguing that, I even told his girlfriend, that life is too short and that she deserved to be happy. It just so hard that he isn't able to do the same. I wanted my friend to just listen, I felt like she was judging how I felt, though I am sure that is not what she meant. Rosie, I like what you said about the people who are in our lives are like our angels sent to help s in our grief. You all help me just but knowing I can say anything here and not be judged. I could relate to what Billie said about some days being okay, but then later feeling guilty about it. Life just really sucks sometimes. I am trying to focus on my blessings that I do have. My daughters, my husband, my granddaughters, good friends, if it wasn't all who have lifted my family up in prayer, I don't think I would be able to get up in the morning. Big hugs to all of you friends. Robin

Comment by Karen R. on April 18, 2012 at 4:42pm

Wow Grace, I too feel like the tree that fell in the forest that no one heard fall in regards to my close family and friends. I feel like a disaster and a ticking time bond and they all think that I am "OK". Well, I'm not ok.

Many hugs.

Comment by Karen R. on April 18, 2012 at 4:31pm

Hey Robin, I haven't been on here in awhile. Just read one of your postings in regards to your son's girlfriend going on with her life. Let me me first say that I am sorry for your pain. I know how you must be feeling. I can totally relate to the anguish of having it reconfirmed that the world is going on without our children. It's a pill I will NEVER be able to swallow. It's not that I don't want others to be happy, it's just I simply want my son back and I want to see him enjoying his young life...he was only 21yrs old when this tragedy struck like a thief in the night. 

Sending you many hugs.

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on April 17, 2012 at 11:34am

I've been sleeping a lot lately.  My husband thinks I'm depressed.  I think it's just the knowing that it's been over a year now and it's not getting easier.  I'm just going with the flow for now.  Knowing that I'll be in this mood for a while.  What other choice do I have?  Nothing will make this go away.  So today, I'll just be.

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on April 17, 2012 at 11:30am

Dick, yes the squirrel is a sign.  It's strange all the synchronicities that occur, almost like divine intervention to give us a little peace.  And the people who come into our lives are like angels sent to help us in this grief.

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on April 17, 2012 at 11:27am

Special BIG Hug to you Grace on a difficult day today.

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on April 17, 2012 at 11:25am

Lisa, I agree.  Many of my friends who have teenagers, stay away.  I think it is the fear or thought of what if it did happen to them.  It is sad, you would think that they would be more there for us knowing that it could happen to them and then what?  I just know that the friends who have stuck with me through this last year are the friends I'll have for life.  I am blessed to have them in my life right now.  I am also blessed to have found this site where we are not judged and can vent, cry, ramble our thougths, express our beliefs, and all of those things we have been sharing.  Hugs to you all.

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