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Comment by Grace on April 29, 2012 at 8:07am

It will be 3 years the end of may.... and the calendar can sometimess be a reminder of the things we are missing..... birthdays, Christmas, Holidays, I just don't even want to look at a calendar somedays.

This has been a long week...  I truely am "GRACE Under pressure!

PEACE Michelle, Adrienne, Robin, and Ammy, And Karen and all.

Comment by Michelle W on April 29, 2012 at 3:10am

Robin, my son was killed in a car accident on his way home from a football game, this game was extremely important to him because he was a senior and it was the state championship game, they made the kids drive for over 2 and a half hours both ways at night so they would get the thrill of playing at the only university that didn't have anything going on thanksgiving weekend and his friend a 17 year old also rolled the car multiple times on the highway. Any ways my daughter turned 19 on thanksgiving and moved into her first apartment by herself so she could start her first year of college.. She had moved the last box out the night of the accident, I had to call her to come home, to wait for phone calls while we raced to see if my son was ok.... Needless to say she had to move all her belongings home , she could. It live in the apartment the cemetery was on her way home there and she could not handle passing her brothers grave every time she left her apartment so she paid the six month lease and moved home. She never went to school she has just become angry and sad... So I have lost my beautiful perfect son and I also get to watch my young beautiful daughter struggle to just survive.... This seems so unfair to watch her suffer kills me.... It re enforces the death of my son daily/ hourly... It just kills... It has been six months tonight be texted me at 10 16 they one and was promo used dead at 1026...... I never got to say goodbye they wouldn't let us go all the way up to him.. X the closed the roadway and made us turn around and go home.... I miss my son!!!!

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on April 29, 2012 at 1:49am

Robin
Today is my granddaughters 21st birthday and tomorrow her Mom (my daughter) turns 43. We are all sad that my son is not here to be a part of it. It changes everything. Next month is my birthday and I think I will just stay in bed all day on mine. I don't feel like I'm really living anymore.

Comment by Robin Jone on April 28, 2012 at 10:50pm

Hi Everyone, feeling really sad tonight. Tomorrow is my daughter's 22nd birthday, it is so hard every time an event happens that my son would have been there, and I know he won't be. Plus on the 3rd it will mark another month since he has been gone. I can't believe it will have been 8 months. I do have days that I am able to laugh again with my daughters and granddaugthers, and of course my husband. The pain of missing Zach is always there though. When I have those moments, then I almost feel guilty like, how can I! Does any one else ever feel that way? Going on Tuesday to bring my youngest daughter home from college. This was suppose to have been such an exciting wonderful year for her. Her freshman year of college, and after being there for only 10 tens having to come home because her brother died. I just feel such sadness for all the sadness my other children have had to go through. It hurts me to see them hurt. It hurts to see my husband hurting. I know it will become easier, it just a roller coaster of  emotions, and I guess I need to accept that that is how it is always going to be. There will be good days, and there will be bad. I will always miss my  precious son. Hugs to all.

Comment by Ammy on April 21, 2012 at 11:41am

Hello to all.  I have caught up with reading the posts and I realize that we all feel most of the same things.  I will do okay for a few days and then that horrible word 'NEVER' pops into my mind.  I guess that deep down somewhere inside myself I still believe I will see him again here on this earth.  

I especially felt some comfort from your stress, Robin, as I have been dealing with the same thing, and thought that it was just me and that I shouldn't be feeling this way.  Even though I told my son's partner that she would move on someday, now that she seems to be doing that, it is like a knife in my heart.  I don't care if she finds someone else, I just don't want to know about it.  I think of another man coming into my son's daughter's life and I can't handle it.  Am I being selfish?  I don't know how to let these feelings go.

Dick, I wish you and your wife the best.  I have come to realize that most of us will be able to move on in time, but each has their own time limit for healing.  Some longer than others.

I met a woman last night online and I mentioned my son leaving and she told me that she had also lost a son.  Coincidence?  I don't believe in coincidence.  Two days ago was 11 years for her.  She encouraged me to believe it will get easier, but that it never really completely leaves us.  We will always have those days where we fall apart.  

I believe her and this is now our lives, our new normalcy.  I'm trying hard to focus on positive things and I have some decent days for which I am grateful, but the smallest thing can also trigger the uncontrollable sadness.  I don't fight it anymore.  I find it passes quicker if I just go through it.  Anyone else doing better?

As for others understanding us.  I am trying not to think about them because it will set me off.  They are the innocent ones when it comes to knowing what this is like.  As much as it hurts to have them think we should be going on I can't be angry with them anymore.  No matter what we say to them, it is beyond their grasp. 

I pray for us all.  God knows we need His grace/mercy.

You, my friends, are beautiful people.  ❤¸.•*""*•.¸❤  Hugs to all.

 

Comment by Karen R. on April 20, 2012 at 7:51am

Hello to all. Sometimes I feel like my son is also frozen in time but because that only deepens my sadness, I refer to my son's age with each passing birthday, I let him become a year older. I think I do this because I see all of my other children growing and getting older and all the birthday celebrations they have, so I want him to have the same. It may sound irrational to most but it's what I need to do sometimes. I  keep my son alive because I will never accept that he's not. I have said many times that my son will always be my son, he will NEVER become just a memory! His life was not a figment of my imagination. I can't help but to still look for him to come home, I still hope to find out that this was all a terrible mistake. I feel so emotionally beaten up. Maybe one day I will find relief.

Comment by Dick on April 19, 2012 at 7:13am

I may not be here much longer. I believe I have come to terms with my loss. I was praying in the garden Monday and I told God I am turning this burden over to him and to do with me as he pleases. I felt a weight lift. 

My friends have told me they have already seen a change in me, I did not tell them about my experience.

I will still miss Danny and I will still have my moments. I will still pray in the garden on Danny's bench, I will still go to his grave site. But I do know I must live my life to the fullest at this moment and witness for God.

Therefore, I will hang a round a bit; I really hope you all find your peace in your own way.

Comment by Grace on April 19, 2012 at 5:25am

Michelle and Adrianne...... You know what I am talking about... and when I talk about Niles... others are quiet...like I Drag them Down..or oh my the Cloud that takes over the room.  Yes they say they are fine to talk about him.... but you can Feel the discomfort.  It is like you can hear them think  (Oh My when will she be over with her grief... or What do we say now?)  Some days I guess I feel angry that THEY DO NOT have to know what I FEEL like because they have all of thier children.... it is not as if the world continues and My son has Stopped existing.  That is why I think so much when I see the pictures... he really was here...like thier children... now it is like he is to be erased out of our lives and our conversations..... especially if I cry.... no one wants to see that.  I am expected to be "STRONG".... but I cry when I am alone so hard the Snotty Nose makes it hard to breathe.

Comment by Michelle W on April 19, 2012 at 4:12am

Grace,
You explained it perfectly when saying it was like being erased, my son has been gone for 5 months now and I still can speak his name at the house without upsetting my husband or daughter.... He. Is frozen in time for me.... I'm still waiting for him to come back from that stupid football game that I know will never happen.Mentioning his name is like a dagger to everyone around me including people only spoken to one the phone. I was so proud of my son Billy and always bragged and boasted about all the great things he did and was going to do, but now I have to remain silent with all this grief and anger... It hurts tremendously and I feel like I am alone because of the pain it causes to even sleek my sons name to anyone.., I just want to scream his name till I'm blue.,,,, god I miss him, he was my rock.,

N

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on April 18, 2012 at 11:21pm

Grace
You said how I feel perfectly. It's heartbreaking. I can barely breathe. He's so long gone. It's only 8 months. Where is he?

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