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Comment by Jill E on December 7, 2015 at 11:59pm

1st year of missing my son Josh is almost over only to begin year 2. My friend brought over junk food and a movie so I would not stay in bed all day with covers over my head. I don't know if it helped or just delayed the breakdown. Please Christmas be over. I never knew anything could hurt so bad. Pain so intense, hurting to my very core. What I would do to have my Josh back. I love you Joshie, my wonderful amazing son. WYWH

Comment by Dolly on December 6, 2015 at 8:39am

I find myself distancing myself from attachments in this world.. at least all those that don't really care about me anyway.. I still cling with a fierce protective love to those who at least act like they care.. the others are becoming like total strangers to me and I don't find myself worrying about them at all anymore.. I know that's hard hearted but it is what it is... even worrying about losing the extremely few people who do care and whom I care deeply for is so difficult because there's always the fear I will have to face losing them too... I just would rather die and go on ... that's selfish too I guess.. well those who don't care about me and never really did have always told me I'm selfish.. so they will be happy ... and it doesn't matter to me.. this world is turning into a hell hole anyway... in many ways I'm relieved that Brandon isn't going to be faced with being killed off by those people conniving to rid society of all those they don't think are worth anything... soon it will be the muslims murdering the Christians in our own back yard.. oh wait.. they're already doing that.. and we have a government that doesn't care about us at all... and would as soon see us murdered as not... I for one have had enough of this world.. I plan to celebrate Christmas as MUCH as I can stand just because I believe that soon we will have Christmas and Christianity and all manner of goodness slashed from our lives along with all our supposed rights.. this kind of world is not worth living in ..

Comment by Connie K on December 5, 2015 at 12:55pm

Hugs Toni. I too search for that attachment to this life and what my work here is to be...

Comment by toni m dicarlo on December 4, 2015 at 3:44pm

The holidays are ahlf over and I count the days I can breath again. It has been 4 years and gabe would be 20 and I am so mentally and physically tired because even on an OK day I think of Gabe 24/7. My mind seems to wonder back to the days of him at birth or at 5 or at 15 and I smile at the thought of his beautiful face and laugh. I think my constand daydreaming of Gabe is a survival thing . I still wake up several days a week crying but can't remember what I was dreaming. The only way to breath is to constantly remind my self that this life is so very temporary. When I tell family members or friends that the temporary life without all the pass attachments is my life they just stare.  I thought I would eventually feel an attachment to this life but I have not and it takes some of the heavy heavy weight off my chest and heart. I thought that if you heart hurt so bad that a person would just go to sleep and not wake up, I am still here so my purpose on earth is not fulfilled yet.    

Comment by Jill E on December 4, 2015 at 2:46pm

I found my Josh's birthstone bracelet that I had made. I lost it a few days ago and was crushed. I made two bracelets just over a year ago when I lost my son. I had resolved myself it was gone. I haven't taken them off. Now just the countdown until the 7th. I am scared. I can't dtand the thought of that day. How to get through it. Going to the store...seeing the toys, Hot Wheels, Ninja Turtles...all things Josh loved so much. Even the Hot Wheels he collected until I lost him...VWs were his favorite. Sad...pain...empty...

Comment by Jane P on December 3, 2015 at 1:56pm

Hello Dolly

It's good to hear from you again.

Comment by Jane P on December 3, 2015 at 1:56pm

Teresa

Thank you for the light I chose for Danielle!

Comment by Jane P on December 3, 2015 at 1:55pm

Thank you Connie.

Yesterday marked my third year without Danielle.

As you know, it's all just so sad......

Comment by Jill E on December 3, 2015 at 12:48pm

I hate even going to the grocery store. Or Walmart (the only "department store" in this tiny town I live in. Christmas everywhere. I have been wondering how people feel that never have celebrated Christmas.

Comment by Connie K on December 3, 2015 at 10:14am

Yes no need to apologize Jill. We get it. And we know it's important to get it off your chest. I can't even deal with Christmas. I haven't made a list. I did but 3 gifts cards. I just am numb. It is so hard to be a part of this "joyous" season.

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