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Comment by Karen R. on May 22, 2012 at 9:11pm

Jessica, this a poem that I have posted many times.

Poem about suffering a loss

Unless you've lost a child.......then
Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it.
A part of us died with our child.
Don't tell us they are in a better place.
They are not here with us, where they belong.
Don't say at least they are not suffering.
We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all.
Don't tell us at least we have other children.
Which of your children would you have sacrificed?
Don't ask us if we feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Don't force your beliefs on us.
Not all of us have the same faith.
Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?
Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear.
Right now we don't feel we can handle anything else.
Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain.
Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child.
No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things.
Don't take our anger personally.
We don't know who we are angry at or why and lash out at those closest to us.
Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room.
We are in pain, but not deaf.
Don't stop calling us after the initial loss.
Our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us.
Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away.
We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others.
Don't tell us to get on with our lives.
We each grieve differently and in our own time frame.
Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.
Do say you are sorry. We're sorry, too, and you saying
that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those
tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Just say you're sorry.
Do put your arms around us and hold us.
We need your strength to get us through each day.
Do say you remember our child, if you do.
Memories are all we have left and we cherish them.
Do let us talk about our child.
Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever.
Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings.
Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process.
Cry with us if you want to.
Do remember us on special dates.
Our child's birth date, death date and holidays are
a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child.
Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child.
We do.
Do show our family that you care.
Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain.
Do be thankful for children.
Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain.

Comment by Karen R. on May 22, 2012 at 9:01pm

Greetings Jessica, all I can say is that this is a club with a "involuntary" membership. I am still suffering from the loss of my 21 yr old son. As I have said many times to new members, this is a place where your feelings and thoughts will be validated, not judged. This is a pain that is almost indescribable. So many people just don't get it and those are the ones that are not walking in our shoes, how fortunate for them. Our children are our babies and will always be our babies.  I saw the beautiful pictures of your daughter on your page. Sending you many hugs, so sorry for your pain.

Comment by Karen R. on May 22, 2012 at 8:52pm

Dear Michelle, I totally understand...... many hugs.

Comment by Michelle W on May 22, 2012 at 6:50pm

Well, each day is a struggle as you all know...thank you for the support..I think what makes the week so hard is knowing after the Big day tomarrow I won't hear anyone speak my sons name out loud without feeling awkward or whispering it like its a bad word...gosh I really enjoyed talking to him, about him I an so proud of all of the great thing he did and would have done after tomarrow ... Frozen in time .... The world just moves on... It's do sad and hard to cope with that... Hugs,,,Michelle

Comment by Jessica Berninzon on May 22, 2012 at 5:06pm

.If i was in your shoes i could not survive (I did not choose these shoes and not sure if i will survive ,do i have a choice ?) I can relate to losing a child my daughter moved to another country i have not seen her in two years i just found out she has had two children .(i thought so your dead daughter had two kids ?? interesting) Try to pretend that shes traveling the world  and that some day you will both arrive at the same place or airport pretend shes in Europe (i thought to my self well i have idea of where Europe is but no clue where heaven is or if it even exists) at least she is no longer suffering ( I can't even
come to terms that she suffered at all) She is in a better place  (how does anyone know that for sure no one does and the best place for her  is here with me !! ) At  least I have other children  
(Which of your children would you have sacrificed?) Do i feel any better.? Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.                   At least you  had Her for so many years. (Really?
What year would you choose for your child to die?)             God never gives us more than we can bear ( I beg to differ he just did!! )

Comment by lynne thompson on May 22, 2012 at 10:03am

Oh Michelle, I give you so much credit, what a great mom you are.  Music for me is the worse , I have walked out on the Phantom of the Opera , and spent all that night in the ladies room crying, I hatttttttttte music.  How I got talked into this , is beyond me.  This was right after my first son, Bobby passed......now with Terry gone, I am worse.

  I do understand, Michelle, people that have not been through this, just will never ever ever get it.  I gave up trying to make people understand, I just walk away sometimes I say something but most times I walk.....but in your case, you had to go to something you were so proud of ......you did what a good mom would do and I know it was hard.   I don't know if people mean well by doing what they do........gee what does it take to kind of think of , how will the parents feel ....to put you into a section where you would not cry.   What is wrong with society , crying is an emotion that should be accepted as laughing is...I am sorry , but the secretary should have asked , what you as parents would prefer.   I consider her just wrong.

  I don't consider this drama, Michelle, I consider this a parent whose lost a child and has all the right in the world to act sad...you will do fine at the graduation, just be yourself, if you want to cry, than cry.....this is about your feelings , not theirs, their worlds have not changed and with a little sensitivity they should get how hard this is....I will be thinking of you Michelle, I guess I am a b#### , for if someone does offend me, I say it........I do say it nicely, but I do say it, for it is their problem not yours........then I calmly walk away .  Life is at times so unfair....I am sorry you have to endure this.........Please, take care of yourself.....and I am so sorry, there are to many ignorant people out there  for this sadness........love, lynne (((()))

Comment by Grace on May 22, 2012 at 5:24am

Michelle..... I call those moments "The Vapors" Where I am in a public place and just well up in emotions..... kind of fan my face and do Lamaze breathing..... (In with the good air....)as you try to blow the tears out of your mouth before they take over your whole face.....  We are so emotional through these events and how can we not be?

the secretary was likely feeling that she was putting you in a "Less Emotional Place.... thinking if you did not have to see the "Happy" Parents or Repeatedly explain that your son was dead...that it would be "Easier" on you.....  and as for the year book... coincidence? Maybe not....  Music stirs emotions.....  

This is not an easy time... and those that really try to make it "Easy" on you have good intentions..... they just DO NOT Understand that this is just NEVER GONNA BE EASY.....  but at least keep in mind that they really have not been where we have been and really have GOOD INTENTIONS.....  PEACE..... I have my own Graduation Memories... I'm thinking of you.

Comment by Michelle W on May 22, 2012 at 2:16am

Lynne, I thought I handled today, I went to the high school picked up the year book, cap with tassel, the special sash my son should be wearing on Thursday , tickets to the graduation, three accademic awards he earned, oh and his diploma ....I smiled politely when the secretary explained where are seats would be ( away from the happy parents) and if we wanted we didn't have to explain to anyone who we were, we could just say we were guests of hers... This of course offended me because we were very proud of our son and his accomplishments ... But seeing his senior page in the year book has just broken my heart again... His friend put together pictures they felt appropriate and instead of it saying we so proud of you mom and dad enjoy your future ... His friends wrote a quote from one of his fab bands the foo fighters ... Of course it just sits in my head like carved in stone.... Breath out so I can breathe you in... Hold you in... This is the most kncrediabley hardest thing in the world for a parent to endure... That was my all time fab song and they didn't know that ... I will never be able to hear it again ... I feel shredded and ya I have to go to the graduation yet....sorry for the drama... But only you all can understand..,,Michelle

Comment by lynne thompson on May 21, 2012 at 7:11pm

This is so true, It is not where we want to be, but we are here......If anyone, wants to email me personally my email is lynrose1546@aol.com.  I lost a child age 26 in 1994 and another son, this March 24th...I am so sorry Jessica that you are here, but anyway here I am too ugh again.. I am so sorry for all of us , moms, and our children that passed away much to soon........

Comment by Grace on May 21, 2012 at 6:13pm

Welcome Jessica... but like most of us we wish NONE Of us had to be here.... It is a place where we really can understand more than friends or family

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