Comment

Comment by Karen R. on May 24, 2012 at 10:28am

Michelle and Lynne and everyone, you are so right about our other children needing the love and attention that they deserve but it can be so hard sometimes to pass the pain we are in. Sometimes I don't feel like being a mommy, I just want to curl up into a ball and not be bothered. I do feel bad that some of my children have expressed that they feel like I don't care about them but that is so untrue, I am just still grieving. My older daughter thinks that I am choosing to be like this. That made me so angry and hurt at the same time, she is clueless, who the hell in their right mind would choose this?!!!! She just doesnt get it. I hope she will be spared of this type of pain with her own children. I do try harder and I wait until I am alone, especially in my car, to let my inward grief out. I know that it hurts my children to see me in so much pain.

Comment by Karen R. on May 24, 2012 at 10:16am

Hey Jessica, I have been down in that low place that you are feeling, that horrible feeling of such despair, that feeling of "fu@k !!!!" but somehow, I get through the days by remembering how much i don't want to cause my children any more pain by ending my own life. Trust me, I've been there, with the pills in my hand.....prescription Ambien(sleeping pills) and Xanax, giving to me from my doctor to take the days prior to my son's funeral. If you scroll through, you will see one of my postings explaining what stopped me from taking both bottles. I still don't sugar coat my grief and pain when others ask me the "how are you doing question" but I have softened it with a "I could be better" response. Depending on my mood, I would answer " I broken and I am fu@ked up right now! One thing for sure is I will NEVER be "OK".

Comment by lynne thompson on May 24, 2012 at 9:30am

Oh Billie, I do know, you are so brave to get up and speak, I wish I could be there for you. I am sure Jazzmin will be watching you and is so proud also.  What a horrible thing we all have to go through , it is so so painful and so scary at the same time.  I just live moment to moment , for me to think to much in the future is just to hard.  The pain of losing a child is unbearable...I wish we all were neighbors and could just sit down and have a cup of coffee and just talk.  I find the friends I have now just do not get this at all......I go to Compassionate Friends, but that is only once a month and otherwise I am so sad, lonely and depressed even when I am with people for I feel like an alien that has come to visit this world that we live in.  People that have not been through this , just do not get it.....please take care Billy and know we here do get it......it is awful, Billie, but I can tell you from losing a child before this child , it will get softer in time, you will never forget and things trigger you off, but someday we really will smile again.  Please take care ..............let us know when this event will take place......I will be praying for you Billie.....

Comment by Ashley Thompson-Judd on May 24, 2012 at 5:41am

I am new to this group.  So many people tell me they are sorry for my loss and they understand, but they haven't gone through the loss of a child and do not know the pain and heart ache caused by such a tradegy. I wish this pain on no one. However, my mom lost my sister years ago and I know from watching her and my dad, you never forget, but it does get easier.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on May 24, 2012 at 1:46am

Tough week. I miss my son and the reality is taking me out.

Comment by Billie Malowany on May 23, 2012 at 11:26pm

Grad is fast approaching. Jazzmin would be donning her cap and gown and no doubt a smashing over the top dress! It is so devastating that this is one milestone she worked so hard for that she will not get to experience. The grad class is putting up a memorial wall and honoring her with a moment of silence, the parent committee has put together a scholarship in her name, and we are donating a memorial basket filled with all her favorite stuff and teenager necessities. All those things make me proud but instead of crying tears of pride at grad I will be at home crying tears of great sadness. I have been invited to take part in the ceremonies, invited to speak and present her scholarship...but why would I, if I can't be there celebrating with her I can't imagine being there as everyone watches me out of the corner of their eyes. Thinking how sad and thank god it's not us, when they should be happy for their own children. And how can I be happy for them when all I want to do is scream "what about my baby girl! Why can't she be here! She deserves this as much as the rest of them!"

I can't believe this is my reality! I miss her so much, the pain is unbearable!

Comment by teri marie on May 23, 2012 at 4:03pm

thank you lynne

Comment by lynne thompson on May 23, 2012 at 3:51pm

I know Michelle, I miss my son too.....It is so hard, but it is so hard on the remaining children......I am so sorry for everyone here...I wish everyones' children were here, and the pain would be gone..........love to all of you.......lynne

 

Comment by Michelle W on May 23, 2012 at 3:23pm

Lynne, I'm sorry to hear of the bad day...Jessica , I do agree with Lynne on the matter of other children.. It kills me to watch my daughter suffer her and Billy where inseparable. Even this year after she graduated high school already she would go pick up lunch for him and go eat it ,,,, Sunday's no matter what they would go to einsteins for bagels... She for the first time ask to go to the graveyard as she called it... We stopped to get flowers she bought him a graduation ballon and bear that played music.. She just cried... Afterwards she would not speak to me for the rest of the night... So the child that is left really needs the love and the want of life..,. It is so hard to show the light at the end of the tunnel when she knows how you feel...I hope we all tolerate another pain stricken day ... God I want my son back... I sure do miss him....Michelle

Comment by lynne thompson on May 23, 2012 at 2:27pm

Jessica, I know how you feel , in 1994 my son, Bobby, took his life and all I did night and say was cry....it was terrible, at the time I had a 9 year old ...........and because I was so depressed alllllllll the time, I really did not acknowledge him the way a mom should.......long story , I will tell you short, someone said to me.......that is not fair to Gerard(young son) what you are doing, Lynne that is so selfish.....what kind of life are you giving him?"   I do not know why that statement made me turn around.....did I forget Bob, NO , but I made sure my young one at the time felt very loved from me.  I really dedicated my life to him.  I just made up my mind that the lesson I wanted to teach him is, Yes, bad things do happen in life, horrible things, but you do not give up.   He grew up to be a wonderful man.   Now many years later my son , Terry died of a heart attack......this March.....do I sob, yes, yes, yes, am I depressed , yes, do i want to die at times, yes.........but the reason I never would is because the love of another child.   Gerard does not replace Bobby or Terry, never.....but he is alive and I as him mom must make his life as good as I can.....My love for all my children, is in my heart, for I know my other 2 sons would not want me to leave this earth (unless God calls me home) and my other son is alive and I owe him not a disgraced mom or a miserable mom alllllll the time.    This hard it is Jessica, but your child would not want you to say fuck it........and your child that is alive so needs you.  Please stay around for her...suicide destroys people or at least tries to.   Please do not give up, you have people that need you, and love you I am sure......Yes, this hurts , but focus on life of you child....Please take care, and do not let pain take you away from the love of your other child. 

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