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Comment by Grace on June 13, 2012 at 5:19am

I never have been good with plants and flowers..... so I would not have been as upset because I have always had plants die.  It has been a long 3 years..... Yes has gone on... but it has been full of saddness, marital problems, issues with my other kids, and yes plenty of sobbing.  But I have also been able to have some good times.  My horse friends have listened and so have my other friends.  My family such as my siblings and mother have been a real let down.  I have felt like an abandoned child in a deep pit..... but there have been also the help from my friends....  I guess what I am saying to those of you with in the "Year" marker is that there will be ups and downs and somedays are roller coaster rides.... I've come 3 years... it has been an experience from hell.  But I have survived....and have re- prioritized things in my life.... learning from a real school of hard knocks.... I don't think the "Knocks" come any harder than this....

Comment by Michelle W on June 13, 2012 at 1:14am

Hey everyone, yes it's in the air. All night I could only think of what a horrible existance... My torn family ... I now have a very sad and angry daughter... That for the first time I can't make it better... And I have no drive to move forward ... Why would I my beautiful son is gone... I just go over in my head over and over did he suffer? Was it quick? I just can't except this ,,,, I just keep thinking how can I make this better????? I need him back....Dick... I love flowers and gardening. I was going to plant something beautiful and special for my son ... He really understood the joy they brought me.. But I refuse.. If it would die ,,,, I would die all over again ... I can't do it..

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on June 13, 2012 at 12:07am

I understand Dick. Simple things have a lot of meaning. What did you do to get through the day? My sons one year is coming up. For me nothings has changed. I cry every day and I can't believe he's really gone. But my family has moved on. Busy with their lives. It hurts to watch that. Though I know it had to be. Life is now a waiting game.

Comment by Jessica Berninzon on June 13, 2012 at 12:04am

im sorry for your loss Dick and i had never bothered with plants in my life till i lost amber i took care of the ones from her memorial but they all died with in a month , so i thought well i will buy some but im not really good at that sort of thing so i bought some pretty cool cactus plants figured hey i cant kill a cactus right ?wrong funny how we cling on to such things and they mean so much to us ...when once upon a time a plant was just that , take care of yourself .

Comment by Dick on June 12, 2012 at 9:03pm

I had a plant die from my fathers funeral from 2 years ago. It just had to die on my son's one year death anniversery. Why me? I am saddened by this fact. I took extra care of it.

Comment by lynne thompson on June 11, 2012 at 2:53pm

Oh Jessica (((Hugs)) Something must be in the air, I , myself and I can see you all have had a bad day today, me..too....I am paralized in despair and just wish this were all over....I too feel crazy, Jessica, I look at Terrys' pictures and want to just die myself....it is just a bad day for all and all we can do is hang on.   I know, it will get softer , but right now I am so missing my son , that I am beside myself......I pray for signs now, but so far I have not had any in a long time.  I am sorry to see this board is full of a lot of comments of your despair, but oh I so get it.......love to you all, Lynne

Comment by Jessica Berninzon on June 11, 2012 at 2:03pm

(( hugs )) people , just wanted to check in , say hello im still way to hurt to try to talk without rambling on im questioning my sanity a lot lately i sit in my back yard and have convinced myself that amber has returned to see and or visit me in form of a bluebird we don't have many of them around here but this one keeps  coming up and landing in front of me i talk to it and first i said no your not amber you look mean i walked away next day it sat above me on some electrical cable  cord and i ignored it and it just sat there till i went in to house i took my lawn chair yesterday sat out side and said ok blue bird if your really amber show your face now and the dam thing fly's midair in front of me and landed on the grass walked around i just lost it and cried till i could not cry anymore thought is that what you have come to Jessica your so fucked up in your head you will cling to anything and now you think your child has returned in form of a bird and if so how fucked up is that to have her die and then let her come back as a fucking bird im losing my mind i always said in my life i could handle any thing only two things i could not handle or ever want to happen to lose one of my children and or to lose my sanity  i lost my child and now im losing my sanity i must have done something very bad in the past what i don't know i always considered my self a pretty nice person and most every one i know says to me Jessica your to damn nice to damn gullible and people see you coming a mile away and use you for what they can ...so i no idea why this all is happening ...and honestly i don't think i care much any more i just think if there is a god he will take me soon this is no way to live  

Comment by Grace on June 11, 2012 at 1:52pm

well put Rosie.  Boy can I relate!

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on June 11, 2012 at 12:44pm

Today, I don't want to be strong.  Today I don't want to put that smile out there like everything is ok.  Today I want to feel what I'm feeling is sad and know it will pass.  Today, I want to cry out that I miss my son!   Today I'm afraid of what my future holds even though I know that now is all I have and tomorrow is tomorrow.  Today I'm just going to feel what I feel with no guilt from anyone or for anyone.  Today is my day to contemplate my now.  We're all human with feelings good and bad.  No need to analyze but just go with the flow and accept what is.  Hugs to you all today.

Comment by lynne thompson on June 10, 2012 at 1:40pm

Yes,  we are stuck here Michelle, sadly so.   Talking of cruises , I have a friend that son died and she and her husband went on a cruise and I asked her when she got back, if she had a good time.   This was about 6 months after her son died....she said all she did was go on the deck and just pray that she could jump off.....she could not wait to come home.....I , am more comfortable around things that I know right now, so a cruise would be out of the question for me.   But if you think, you can get some peace doing that, I so would say go.  Just be sure you have thought it through.  I wish so so so much we were not here, but we are......I am sorry we all are here......I wish you all some moments of peace throughout the day........and Billie how awful that you had to see another young person memorial service , That was a very hard thing for you to do....I just hope , I do not have to go to a memorial service for anyone, for a long time........it woud bring back so many sad moments I had, and I still have.....Somedays I just do not want to face the day.....this is when you know life in unfair and hard.......

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