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Comment by Karen R. on June 19, 2012 at 6:26pm

Yes Ammy.....just away, I try to convince myself of that also. My son's case is still under investigation as well. I am grief exhausted also. The mind is something else. I hope the situation with grand daughter brightens.

Grace, how sorry I am for all of us. I am glad that the door was finally opened for me to reveal my horror movie.  I keep having dreams that my teeth are falling out, I've heard that is symbolic of my life falling apart.....I wonder if that's true, it sure seems accurate.

Comment by Ammy on June 19, 2012 at 2:17pm

Oh dear grief friends, how I understand your feelings.  I think we have to imagine the things we do to be able to cope.  I still find myself thinking he'll be here soon or I have to tell him something when he gets here.  As soon as I do it I realize that he's not going to be here.  Then I get on the computer and distract myself or turn on the TV.  The quiet is unbearable.  I can't even go to sleep without the TV on because my mind will start to think about him and all the crap that is still going on.  

My daughter and I saw the Coroner last Friday and he is asking the DA to reopen the case and further investigate.  I'm glad in one way, but on the other hand it just seems to keep it so fresh.

My son's birthday was last Thursday.  His daughter's mom let us visit his daughter for the afternoon.  We hadn't seen her in almost 2 weeks.  She ran to me and jumped into my arms and wouldn't let go for at least 5 minutes.  Doesn't her mom realize she is only torturing her more?  My husband and I are adults and can deal with it, but my little granddaughter doesn't understand why she can't see us anymore.  I have the papers to file for custody/visitation, but I can't figure all of them out so now I have to get a lawyer to help with that.

It's bad enough just trying to get through each day, but then to have all these other things going on I do feel like I'm going to collapse one of these days and not get up again.  And I really don't care if I do.  I do think about my daughters and husband, but I guess I'm selfish because I am ready.

Yes, that brain power does not shut down and I also feel like I'm watching myself sometimes from outside Karen.  I don't know if all these things are our bodies way of helping us or what.  Actually, most of the time, I feel like I don't know anything anymore except I'm grief exhausted, if there is such a thing.

I wish for you all some time of rest where you're not being ________.

I do have those times, but not as much as I would like.  Hopefully they will become more frequent for all of us.

You are all in my thoughts & prayers.  I do pray.  I need to have faith in something or it would be even worse.  I believe that one day I will hug my son again and that helps me to keep going.  He is just away.

Take care of yourselves as best you can.  

(¯* •. ¸ ♥ ♥ ¸. • * '¯)

Comment by Grace on June 19, 2012 at 1:10pm

My movie has been of the whole process... including the harvesting of his organs on the operating table... of us leaving him in the ICU room when they declared that he was dead... and of cremation...... I never want to talk to anyone about this either Karen because I think I will be ready for the men in the white coats.... and if we think of how uncomfortable it is of those who have never experienced a loss of a child... they could never handle what is locked into our brains......   they for sure want us to just shut up... think of Jesus... not of our kids body being cut up... or burned and ground into those ashes that come back to us in a little white box...... for sure we have mental illness!  I am convinced that nobody could walk through my brain and survive what goes on in there.   I am not so sure I can be left alone to long in there myself.... I try to Push it out of my mind too Karen.... I think this is HELL!

Comment by Karen R. on June 19, 2012 at 12:59pm

I thought I was the only one that is tormented by thoughts of my son's autopsy, I have NEVER shared that with anyone. Sometimes I actually physically beat myself up over not preventing that from happening, I feel like I failed him even further by allowing them to perform that. I am always begging him for forgiveness for that. The 2 things that torment me the most are my thoughts of me imagining how my son must of felt when he was being chased and then crashed, I imagine is intense fear and anger he must of felt right before the impact and up until he loss consciousness and the other is the autopsy.....which even now, I avoid saying it, or typing it.... it makes me crazier. To try to avoid becoming fixated on it, I flood my mind with thoughts of my pregnancy  and childbirth of him. I try to think of him playing his keyboard anything to distract me . Sorry if i upset anyone, that's not my intentions.....so sorry if i did.

Comment by Grace on June 19, 2012 at 12:57pm

I randomly have this movie play... when driving... just sitting.... today when having my blood drawn...  It just doesn't stop...  I was telling the story again to the hospital staff... how you just never "Get Over it"  Losing a child... doesn't matter how they die... KIDS are not supposed to die from anything,  cancer, accidents, seizures,  Anything!  and it really doesn't matter how they died... just that they are dead and not ever coming back again.

Comment by Karen R. on June 19, 2012 at 12:43pm

Hello to everyone. Wow, Grace, I feel the same about being able to turn my brain power off. It still sounds so crazy to me when I hear that my son had a funeral....I can not believe it. I watch the horror film with them telling me that there was nothing else they could do for him and me trying to make him respond after they said he passed away and me looking for him every minute out of my window to see if he was coming in the days leading up to his funeral and me actually going to a friggin cemetery and watching them lower my 21yr old son into the ground. I am sooooooo mad, I feel like I am about blow!!!!!!

Comment by Grace on June 19, 2012 at 5:28am

I was at a Graduation Party and ran into many former Church friends including the pastor who asked how I was doing... I said on the outside I look fine but I am still Not Fine on the inside.  I told him my faith is only 1/2 the mustard seed and I don't have the strength to be comforted by God so all my Church friends need to pray for me to get through this time because My faith is very weak.   I told him I felt like Jesus when he said "Why have YOU Forsaken Me?"  I think he was understanding.....It has been a long road these last 3 years and I have had so much crap with family and marrital stress....  

I still replay this movie over and over.... the death, Cremation, Organ Donation....  I wish I could turn the power off to my brain!

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on June 19, 2012 at 12:39am

Karen
I understand exactly how you feel. It's constant pain. Then the often realization that he's really gone. That they did an autopsy. Cut my sons body. That he was cremated and buried in the ground. Horror story for sure. It's killing me.

Comment by lynne thompson on June 18, 2012 at 11:33pm

Hopefully they will not, Karen, but I wish people would stop and think before they give their "worldly advice" .   I know , how hard this is and I struggle just to maintain life ..please take care of yourself , Karen....I am so sorry for your pain and other peoples' pain that have lost a child...That pain is so terrible........I feel it with all of you...for I have it too.......ugh, I hate it..............

Comment by Karen R. on June 18, 2012 at 11:11pm

Hey Lynne , thanks for listening, your support means everything. I know that the "lay" people are not purposely saying dumb things or being insensitive but it still hurts. Hopefully they will never know this pain.

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