Comment

Comment by Grace on June 19, 2012 at 1:10pm

My movie has been of the whole process... including the harvesting of his organs on the operating table... of us leaving him in the ICU room when they declared that he was dead... and of cremation...... I never want to talk to anyone about this either Karen because I think I will be ready for the men in the white coats.... and if we think of how uncomfortable it is of those who have never experienced a loss of a child... they could never handle what is locked into our brains......   they for sure want us to just shut up... think of Jesus... not of our kids body being cut up... or burned and ground into those ashes that come back to us in a little white box...... for sure we have mental illness!  I am convinced that nobody could walk through my brain and survive what goes on in there.   I am not so sure I can be left alone to long in there myself.... I try to Push it out of my mind too Karen.... I think this is HELL!

Comment by Karen R. on June 19, 2012 at 12:59pm

I thought I was the only one that is tormented by thoughts of my son's autopsy, I have NEVER shared that with anyone. Sometimes I actually physically beat myself up over not preventing that from happening, I feel like I failed him even further by allowing them to perform that. I am always begging him for forgiveness for that. The 2 things that torment me the most are my thoughts of me imagining how my son must of felt when he was being chased and then crashed, I imagine is intense fear and anger he must of felt right before the impact and up until he loss consciousness and the other is the autopsy.....which even now, I avoid saying it, or typing it.... it makes me crazier. To try to avoid becoming fixated on it, I flood my mind with thoughts of my pregnancy  and childbirth of him. I try to think of him playing his keyboard anything to distract me . Sorry if i upset anyone, that's not my intentions.....so sorry if i did.

Comment by Grace on June 19, 2012 at 12:57pm

I randomly have this movie play... when driving... just sitting.... today when having my blood drawn...  It just doesn't stop...  I was telling the story again to the hospital staff... how you just never "Get Over it"  Losing a child... doesn't matter how they die... KIDS are not supposed to die from anything,  cancer, accidents, seizures,  Anything!  and it really doesn't matter how they died... just that they are dead and not ever coming back again.

Comment by Karen R. on June 19, 2012 at 12:43pm

Hello to everyone. Wow, Grace, I feel the same about being able to turn my brain power off. It still sounds so crazy to me when I hear that my son had a funeral....I can not believe it. I watch the horror film with them telling me that there was nothing else they could do for him and me trying to make him respond after they said he passed away and me looking for him every minute out of my window to see if he was coming in the days leading up to his funeral and me actually going to a friggin cemetery and watching them lower my 21yr old son into the ground. I am sooooooo mad, I feel like I am about blow!!!!!!

Comment by Grace on June 19, 2012 at 5:28am

I was at a Graduation Party and ran into many former Church friends including the pastor who asked how I was doing... I said on the outside I look fine but I am still Not Fine on the inside.  I told him my faith is only 1/2 the mustard seed and I don't have the strength to be comforted by God so all my Church friends need to pray for me to get through this time because My faith is very weak.   I told him I felt like Jesus when he said "Why have YOU Forsaken Me?"  I think he was understanding.....It has been a long road these last 3 years and I have had so much crap with family and marrital stress....  

I still replay this movie over and over.... the death, Cremation, Organ Donation....  I wish I could turn the power off to my brain!

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on June 19, 2012 at 12:39am

Karen
I understand exactly how you feel. It's constant pain. Then the often realization that he's really gone. That they did an autopsy. Cut my sons body. That he was cremated and buried in the ground. Horror story for sure. It's killing me.

Comment by lynne thompson on June 18, 2012 at 11:33pm

Hopefully they will not, Karen, but I wish people would stop and think before they give their "worldly advice" .   I know , how hard this is and I struggle just to maintain life ..please take care of yourself , Karen....I am so sorry for your pain and other peoples' pain that have lost a child...That pain is so terrible........I feel it with all of you...for I have it too.......ugh, I hate it..............

Comment by Karen R. on June 18, 2012 at 11:11pm

Hey Lynne , thanks for listening, your support means everything. I know that the "lay" people are not purposely saying dumb things or being insensitive but it still hurts. Hopefully they will never know this pain.

Comment by lynne thompson on June 18, 2012 at 10:46pm

Hi Karen, I know what you mean when you say about people saying or doing dumb things.   Your son , is in a better place?   Asked them to pick out one of their children and picture them in a "better place"  where they can no longer, laugh, cry or love that person again.  Asked them" what child did they pick to do this."  This is the hardest thing people can do.....that is bury their child..I am so sorry for my sons and all the other moms that have lost their children.......hang on Karen, I am sorry.    When people ask me if I am ok, I answer no, it takes a long time and you are truly never ever ok, you just learn how to cope with life........that is all......

 

Comment by Karen R. on June 18, 2012 at 9:56pm

Hello to all, it seems like we all have been kind of quiet lately. My heart , what's left of it, is still heavy. I miss my son so much. Many days I just feel like giving up but then I look at the bigger picture of how my children would be further destroyed by losing me also. Sometimes I think maybe I need a few days in a psychiatric unit.  Some days I don't to be fake to others about the pain I'm in. I still get angry when I hear my mother on the phone telling her friends or family members that I'm, that I'm "ok"........I am NOT!!!!!! Some days I just want to scream and cry as much as I want and shout about my tortuous pain, sometimes I fine myself zoning out, its like I watch myself from above.....really weird, hard to explain. It's I'm watching myself in a movie, better yet, a horror film! I see myself being tormented by thoughts that my 21yr old son....my baby, was tragically killed and he had a funeral......and then like a ton of bricks hitting me, I realize that I am not watching a horror film, I am actually in it! This really happened to my son. I try to convince myself that someone or something is controlling my mind to make me think this is a reality. This must be true insanity. I can't stand hearing from "lay" people.....meaning those who have not walked in my shoes, that tell me that these "things" happen for a reason, or that it will all be better with time. I know that they mean well and that may very well be true for some but not for me. I can not accept this. It does not comfort me to know that we must all meet this fate, for that does not comfort  a parent that had to bury their child. Time passing by only makes me angry because another second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year goes by without me hearing my son call me mother or mom, I am so f*@k!n mad!!!!! I hate this crap!!!! I want this to be a PERFECT world where we all live a PERFECT life, a place where death, pain, grief, hunger, sickness, greed, competition, jealousy and war DON"T exist. I know it's not realistic but hey, I can still hope for it. 

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