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Comment by Rj on December 23, 2015 at 7:09pm

I decided to finally go get my roots done on friday. I started going to new person after i lost larry . This was like my 3rd time, normal chit chat you know. She started talking about holidays then she said, now you have one son right? I paused and said, i do. She asked what we do for christmas? For the next 45 minutes i talked about larry in the present....i told her he will come over for christmas eve, what we were making, she asked if he had girlfriend, i said yes, they are spending the night and how excited i was. She asked what i got them... I made things up, I even showed her pictures. its sad but i really enjoyed talking about him,it was always what i did. Friday i pretended i had my old life back, had my son larry back... Thinking of you all with a heavy heart, love you

Comment by Vasanthi S on December 23, 2015 at 7:00pm

its 4years today that I lost my precious darling boy. 4 years , just gone. Jill, its fine to ramble. My head rambles all the time. I have no words, just pain, going about my day, we got a Christmas tree today, our home is being redone as we will sell it and move to Eugene, Oregon where we have more of our interests like Vedanta classes, and other activities. So the home is like some construction site, everytbing after my son went makes me feel I am living an unreal life...I am not me anymore, just a sad woman trying to live...love u all my dearest friends, feeling lousy today. I WANT my baby back, right NOW.

Comment by Jill E on December 23, 2015 at 12:17pm

Really rambled today, I apologize.

Comment by Jill E on December 23, 2015 at 12:17pm

Thank you Connie, my darlin' friend. Derek wants to stay in San Antonio. At least it is closer to us here in Arizona than we were in Sacramento. His other choices are Tucdon or Phoenix. We live in a very small town outside Sedona so there are no real opportunities for him here. I pray everyday that Josh will help him. He is all that is important to me in this world.
Thank you all for being here for me. You all help me function in this world. Death scares me for what if I don't get to see Josh, to be with him. I have to be here for Derek as he could not make it without me. Sorry I speak so scattered, my memory is gone, my patience and sense of humor...gone, disappeared. I am not myself or maybe I am the new me the shell of how I use to be.

Comment by Jill E on December 23, 2015 at 11:34am

I got one Christmas Card from one of all of my friends back in Sacramento. To be mean I just sent them all texts/emails just to make them feel bad. When you lose a child suddenly you don't exist anymore. Best friends disappear. Whatever...they don't know what to say...to bad they just can't speak from the heart.

Comment by Connie K on December 23, 2015 at 11:24am

Jill I am so sorry to hear about Derek losing his job. My heart goes out to him and your family. That's so tough. You really do wonder about people's humanity. Is he going tom stay there and look for another job? You must feel like a yo-yo, first moving to be with him with his other job, him moving away again and now losing the job. Well that just sucks. You just have to trust that Josh will help guide him to the right place and you as well. Big hugs all around.

Comment by Jill E on December 23, 2015 at 11:12am

So much, my youngest son got fired from his job right before Christmas. The bitch knew about Derek losing his brother a year ago, Derek up and moved away from us to San Antonio for this job. A college graduate working 7 days a week 10 hours,driving 2-3 hours a day, making $1200 a month. Problems at work? I don't think so but...grieving for his brother and his learning disability? Where is the kindness in this world? Please Christmas leave, over, over, over. How much more can anyone take? I miss my Joshie so much. i haven't slept more than a very few hours a night for over a year even with the meds my doctor gave me-nothing helps. WYWH

Comment by Connie K on December 23, 2015 at 10:27am

Amen. The anxiety is high!

Comment by Jill E on December 23, 2015 at 8:32am

Please hurry...I want this over

Comment by Connie K on December 23, 2015 at 12:10am

Teresa - unbelievable! So sorry. People like to tell me about all the bad car accidents they know of - where everyone was fine - but what a BAD accident. Does this make them relate to me more?

Hugs Toni

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