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Comment by Grace on August 20, 2012 at 11:04am

It has been more than 3 years since Niles died.... I continue to replay those final days over and over... it is a movie that never ends....

I have had so many disappointments from my family... 3  1/2 months ago my brother was ungly and repeated that I should have had an abortion instead of having my Niles....  My mother a couple of weeks ago finally called.... kind of admitted it happened then denied it... then said....  "Back then you and Dave were so into church.... we would have gone along with what ever the two of you would have done.... but  Of Course you decided to have the Baby... so you had to raise it"....  again.... I did not know anything about his Autism until he was like 2 1/2... but even still  shouldn't a grandma love him no matter what...  then she tries to say she loves all of her kids..... I just can't believe that a person can not feel the hurt they cause me...  others tell me I need to forgive her.... but I just have felt so abandoned by the people I thought I could depend on the most....  I just can not erase these words from my mind..... and the movie of the end of my son's life continues to play through my dreams..... then in those visions.. I am trying to save him then I awake to the fact that he is gone and I can't save him....   I feel like I am on a merry go round... 

Angel .... sounds like I will go on a neverending ride....

Comment by Angel on August 20, 2012 at 10:13am

Adrianne...I am glad you were able to make it through the day..and so happy that you had a "sign"..they are wonderful.....smells....are usually what I have...

Karen...I am starting to see a psychologist because I have gone through all stages of grief with my husband...but have never in 15 years gone through the anger stage with my daughter's passing..until...this past March 1st and I am at times blocked by it...I understand your thoughts...never did I think I would be alone 15 years on this earth without any one of my kids...and I know I will be here someday saying ..it;s been 30 years since I last saw her...and if God is good to me at some pointhe will send her to take me home...

Prayers and peace to all...

Comment by Michelle W on August 20, 2012 at 12:36am

Adrianne, that sounds so special and wonderful... I hope it is true I always watch for signs ... I do believe in signs who sends them I'm not sure..,I m glad you made it through such a hard day so beautifully.,,, it makes me smile.. Thank you for sharing.,,

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on August 20, 2012 at 12:15am

I was really nervous Friday. First anniversary of Don's passing. I didn't want to remember every sad moment of last years tragedy. My daughter planned a bonfire at the beach. Don loved the ocean and his happy years were spent surfing. Earlier in the day I went to his grave. I laid there for hours and talked and prayed to my son and my god. I am a member on an afterlife site and one of the members speaks regularly with her son who she lost in a car accident. She uses a pendulum and I have to say that her thread is my favorite. She says Mikey tells her they hear us and do their best to give us signs. Don and I loved looking for shooting stars. I had prayed all year that I would see one. At the grave I prayed that Don would send me one on that day. The first anniversary of his death. I asked God to send me the star in the event it wasn't something Don could. The bonfire was nice. Family and special friends. Don's best friend from childhood came. He told us that bonfires were Don's favorite. That he was the last to leave one. We had no idea. My daughter said she had no idea where the idea came from but that it felt at the time a "message". We packed up and left for home. We live in the mountains. An hour and a half drive from beach to home. Just a mile or so from home I got my shooting star! My husband noticed it also. He said it was strange to see a shooting star just stop for a few seconds as if it was lingering. I hadnt told him about my star. He had no idea.

Comment by Karen R. on August 19, 2012 at 9:45pm

Hello Angel. I can only imagine what it must feel like to have had your child pass away 15 years ago, my son was 21 yrs old when he passed away from a motorcycle accident/murder 2 yrs and 10 months ago. My pain and sorrow has not eased one bit, if anything, it's worse! I still don't like counting the time that has passed because that's just a painful reminder that my son is not here. Sometimes i have so much anxiety just thinking that maybe one day I will be saying, wow, my son passed away 15 years ago. The seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and months have  passed and now I have approached years!? I can not fathom this.  I also have NEVER said good bye to my son and I don't want to either. I don't believe I could ever do that. I can not accept what happened to my son. I am also sorry for your husband's passing.

Many hugs to you and everyone.

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on August 19, 2012 at 10:46am

Adrianne, send hugs and peace to you on such a difficult day. 

 

Comment by Angel on August 19, 2012 at 7:36am

That was beautiful Ammy...thanks for sharing...I am struggling with my daughter's death...it will be 15 years on August 26th...and it's as if it was yesterday...over the years I have been able to live a life...this year is very hard....she was 21 when she passed ...would have turned 36 on March 1st ....the day my husband passed from cancer.....I have so many, many visions of her....from the day she was born until the last time I saw her...she died in a horrendous car accident so was not viewable....I have never been able to kiss her goodbye, I don't think I've ever tried to say goodbye because I don't want to....God bless all....and hold our children ..Angel

Comment by Karen R. on August 17, 2012 at 10:27pm

Thanks for sharing,

Comment by Ammy on August 17, 2012 at 9:08am

Sharing a quote:

 Grief is like the wake behind a boat. It starts out as a huge wave that follows close behind you and is big enough to swamp and drown you if you suddenly stop moving forward. But if you do keep moving, the big wake will eventually dissipate. And after a long enough time, the waters of your life get calm again, and that is when the memories of those who have left begin to shine as bright and as enduring as the stars above. 
 
 From the book -- A Salty Piece of Land, by Jimmy Buffet

*Peace

 

Comment by Ammy on August 17, 2012 at 9:05am

Adrianne, you are in my thoughts and prayers.  One breath at a time, my friend.  ♥

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