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Comment by Karen R. on September 23, 2012 at 2:12am

This is a poem that I wrote, it speaks of what my heart was saying to my son when I was brought into the room where he was laying to tell him my "good byes".....as I was told to do by family and friends. Well, here it goes.

THIS CAN NOT BE TRUE!

As I stand over you

I'm watching your lifeless body

Anxiously waiting for a sign that you are STILL here

This can NOT be true!

I call your name

I hold your hand

I beg you, please say something to make me understand!

I touch your chest

I stroke your face

Now I feel like I'm drifting into outer space

This can NOT be true!

How could it be?

Someone please explain this to me

You have your whole life ahead of you

So much more for you to do

I beg you NOT to leave me

Prove these doctors wrong

Please just sing one of your favorite songs!

I will stand here and wait

I don't care how long!!

I love you my son

Don't you know that?

This has to be a mistake

Now, I will live a life full of heartache

And yes, pain

Now I know what it feels like to feel insane

This can NOT be true!

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on September 22, 2012 at 1:42pm

I feel as if I'm being punished. This makes no sense to me. Why would this be part of God's plan?

Comment by Michelle W on September 19, 2012 at 11:12pm

Me too Grace.,..it's so hard

Comment by Grace on September 19, 2012 at 5:41am

It seems like the past 3 1/2 years I have had to let go of the oeople I love so much...... they need to have freedom....  I need to cuddle and coddle....protect....

Comment by Michelle W on September 19, 2012 at 4:10am

My beautiful 19 year old daughter that turned nineteen and moved out both two day before the accident then moved home the night of the accident wants to move out ... Oh in a couple weeks , she is still having issues with the death of her little brother one year younger at the time(17) turning 18 as he said on my daughters birthday two days before the accident (thanksgiving) last year you can have today but everything after will be about me this is my golden birthday and it will all be about me this year.... It has he never made it to the 28 th of December and now I have to try to be strong and let her leave again knowing all the bad things that can happen.....I really have reached a max in denial ... Looking at pictures which I loved I just can't do..., I really can't beleive this is it really I just love him so much..,,I feel like I failed him.. I should have jumped in and said no you can't go with your friend to the football game or I'll drive if you want to go..., I just thought it would be ok.., it was just a school football game....now my girl wants to go tackle the world,,,, I just hurt.., the world is cruel... Sorry for venting but it's the truth,,

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on September 19, 2012 at 12:33am

The loss of a child changes who we are, how we respond to others and how we live out the remainder of our lives. I'm in that place still where I'm stuck and can't move past the first two.

Comment by Robin Jone on September 18, 2012 at 10:17pm

Grace, I know what you mean about having some rough roads with your husband. Since Zach died, my husband can sometimes be so angry. It is not just with me but with my daughters also, he is just so hard to communicate with sometimes. My youngest daughter moved out and got her own place a few hrs away, and my oldest daughter and granddaughters will be moving five hours away in a few months. I am happy for all of them, but I can't even imagine how I am going to cope when they all move away. My granddaughters have always either lived with us or only about 10 minutes away. It is going to a big change for all of us, but I know it is something that my daughter has to do for their family. I keep trying to put on a happy face, because I don't want it to upset my granddaughters but I am so afraid that that is when the reality will really set in about Zach. Right now I have been able to stay so busy with work and then with my granddaughters, that I can just keep going. Like you said Grace, it is so very hard to let go, it is very frightening but I am trying to just take it one day at a time though I am not always good at that. Trying to put it all in God's hands, praying praying praying.

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on September 18, 2012 at 9:47pm

My son Sam would have turned 19 last Sunday.  It just hits so hard sometimes.  There are days I feel like I'm adjusting to this new life and days where the reality hits me in the gut.  

Comment by Karen R. on September 18, 2012 at 9:37pm

Hey Robin and Grace, my heart is with you.

Comment by Grace on September 18, 2012 at 1:55pm

Hi everyone....  I still miss my Niles for more than 3 years... and the children left are older and yearn to stretch out to freedom.   My son Evan moved out for 6 months then returned because of finances.... I was relieved to have him home again... under my wing... and now my 23 year old Daughter wants to move out and in with her fiancee.... intellectually I am ok with it ... but my mother heart is feeling empty again... even though both of my kids are 20 and 23.... this house is gonna be so empty... my future plan was to always have my Niles to take care of... a worry because of his Autism.... and he was a handful.... but now I worry that this house is going to become Big, Empty and lonesome....  My husband and I have had some rough roads and we still have not hit smooth yet.....  my how the future looks so frightening.... yet I know I have to allow my kids freedom.... I still want to hang on to them.... I feel all of my babies slipping away... I am sure all parents feel this...but after losing my Niles.. I just want to hold on tighter and longer to the 2 I have left.

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