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Comment by Michelle W on October 3, 2012 at 12:00am

Grace,
I'm do sorry that your mother and brother don't understand the love you had with your son,,,maybe they could see the love and knew the pain you would be in if this horribleness would happen... And it just kills them to see you in such pain..,, well wishful thinking..,as you know you wouldn't want your child to feel this horrible pain...or maybe they just should understand and don't ..,hugs grace ,,,

Comment by Grace on October 2, 2012 at 4:46pm

I drive a bus everyday for 2 1 1/2 sessions..... so I sometime think I have too much windshield time.  Not only am I replaying my son's whole life... but some of the cruel things I have heard from family members since his death.... I am so disappointed in my Mom and brother... I don't know if I can ever speak to them again... (Both have suggested I should have aborted my deceased son because he had autism..... even though I did not know this until he was 3 years old... yet should that have mattered?  should they just love my child anyway?)  I am sad that my relationship with my mother who is 83 is so damaged... but I just can't skeep puutting myself into that enviornment....  and now I am thinking about all the small children in the world that live everyday with this type of disfunction.   And for G*D's Sake... He has been dead for more than 3 years... what good does it do to be sooo cruel?

Comment by Karen R. on October 2, 2012 at 1:59pm

The replays are truly tortuous!

Comment by Michelle W on October 2, 2012 at 1:34pm

Grace,
The replays almost always are when I'm driving... Take that back pretty much all the time to some extent,..

Comment by Grace on October 1, 2012 at 9:28am

It is amazing how the movies replay in my head at random times......Happened again today as I was driving.

Comment by Angel on October 1, 2012 at 7:53am

Grace..I totally agree....I spent 5 years with a psychologist who finally did 8 hours of testing.Verbal, coordination, memory, etc..and said I have a full verified case of PTSD...I have since seen 2 other PTSD specialist for 3 years each...although my daughter has been gone 15 years it took me the first 10 to even be somewhat normal...and then the last 5 trying to smile, travel live somewhat...I have most of it under control.....I do dissociate at will.....because I have learned what I can handle and what I can't ..I dissociated the first time the night she died.....there was a horrible accident...she was alone...they said she died instantly but I still have visions of her laying on a lawn (she was ejected from the car) dying herself....in pain...calling for her husband.....calling for me...they were only married 10 months...and yes and autopsy was done because she was on Phen -Phen...and I still would love to know why the coroner called as soon as he got her body....because her pills were on her kitchen table ..not in her handbag ......so how did he know..why did he ask...????? a million questions that none of us will ever have answers to....we will never get over this loss...and in my heart and in my mind I have to believe that she is with God...at home...in peace..happy....or I would lose my mind...as I almost did....how to live? with your child in a place in your heart that each individual can live with...it's unique..no right ..no wrong way....our way....have I accepted that she passed and isn't coming back...YES! .....because I haven't seen her in 15 years.....I have no choice....

Comment by Grace on October 1, 2012 at 5:46am

Adrianna,   my son was an organ donor.... I am happy we chose that .... but for a very long time I had images of the organ "Harvest"  It was a similar feeling that you are having I am sure..... Icall all of this PTSD that all of us have..... Images that we likely will never "Get Over".  Flash Backs of the entire Death Week.....  I wish I "WOULD OF" "COULD OF"  What if?  We may forever be living the cycles.....

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on October 1, 2012 at 3:39am

Grief and mourning is what my family and friends think I'm experiencing. It's just part of it. Anxiety, fear and devastation make up most of it. Did it hurt? Was he scared? They cut up his body. How will that image ever f'ing go away! How does one live with that???

Comment by Karen R. on September 27, 2012 at 10:10pm

I am glad your group is good for you and thanks for the hug.

Comment by Robin Jone on September 27, 2012 at 9:57pm

So sorry to read of everyone's pain. My heart is aching tonight too. Went to my Compassionate Friends Meeting Tuesday night. It is always so hard, but I think it is good for me. It is my time that I can let my walls down and can say how much I miss Zach and cry, or do whatever I need to do because everyone there understands. It helps me get out of myself and try to help someone else who is grieving. Really missing him so much tonight, have that hole that will never go away. Hugs and prayers for all. Robin

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