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Comment by Grace on October 9, 2012 at 5:49am

I think it has been so hard to have my older kids grow up so fast... I feel like I need someone to nurture... and they do not want it ....my daughter is 23 and my son is 20..... it has been 3 years... but I still want to hold on tight to them... I know I need to let them spread thier wings... but I have the urge to hold on and be protective....  My Niles needed me so much and now it seems like the house is so empty.   I feel that panic feeling too... Michelle.  it has been like the whole house was emptied at once.... even though they both live here... they are hardly ever home and we barely bump in to each other let alone talk or do anything together... except for the benefit.  Our life revolved around Niles now it is like we have spun away from the center.

Comment by Michelle W on October 9, 2012 at 12:26am

Stephanie,
I also lbe the quilt idea.., not there yet but my son had a teeshirt for everything..., we also have a scholarship at the high school in his name that we will keep going.,,, I have been getting extremely panicy no sleep again like when the accident happened ..,,do I too hate the holidays 11/26 will be a year oh and to put the cherry on the cake my daughter is moving back out this week just like last year when the accident happened oh a month earlier,,,, I will let you know any new thoughts on the day.,,,my daughter is trying to help in this matter .,,,hug to all..,don't you think the hug is just perfect on that hard day..,,

Comment by Stephanie on October 8, 2012 at 2:20pm

Comment by Stephanie on October 8, 2012 at 2:19pm

wat appropriate words for our feelings....

 

Comment by Grace on October 8, 2012 at 1:40pm

My husband and I are a singing duet... there is a Brandi Carlise song called "The Story"  I can relate to it as a line says:  "All of these Lines across my face tell you the story of who I am.......  (Another verse) You See the Smile that's on my Mouth...it's hiding the words that don't come out..... and All of my friends who think that I'm Blessed .... They Don't know MY head is a Mess... No they don't know who I really am and they don't know what I've been through like you do.... and I was made for you..."   Yeah we all where our Happy Face mask almost every day.

Comment by Stephanie on October 8, 2012 at 1:02pm

Sophia, u really r not alone, i know we all put on that brave face... no one can begin to imagine our feelings. maybe talk to ur son's dad, maybe it wd be good for u. maybe it's time. hang in x x x x

Comment by Stephanie on October 8, 2012 at 1:00pm

GRACE i know exactly wat ur saying. many people - altho not exactly in those words - i think thought that my life would be more "back to normal" without now havin a special needs child. bless her, she took up every living moment of my life. and of all things my life is CERTAINLY NOT MORE NORMAL!!!  i know the silence of their not being there. it's hard, so hard

Comment by Stephanie on October 8, 2012 at 12:58pm

KAREN, i had to smile reading yr post cos that's exactly what i do. i put her pics up, then i take them down, then i put her shirt in my closet, then i change it to my dresser, then into a bag, then the pics up again, all depending on my emotions. i'm sure people think i'm crazy, but at least i know i'm not alone - we just know A DIFFERENT NORMAL xxxx

 

Comment by Karen R. on October 8, 2012 at 11:40am

Hi Sophia, you are right, how do you "move on" without your child, I can't perceive how to do that.

Comment by Sophia on October 8, 2012 at 11:28am

I too am trying to think of ways to memorialize my 22yr old son. We are coming up on the 1yr 'anniversary' of his death, 11/13/11. I'v always strongly disliked the holiday season for various reasons. Now, I have even more reason to & I'm completely dreading it all! I would like to make a quilt from his clothes one day but I'm not ready for this yet. I miss him so, so much & when Stephanie wrote "when it's our children it's so different, their lives are never over", I felt I related to this comment. Although, i am over- whelmed with the thought of how final death is, I am also over- whelmed with thought's of how I can keep his memory alive especially with the one year 'anniversary' approaching. I continue to 'put on a happy face' to friends but it's hard & I feel so very alone in all this grief. I haven't spoken to my son's father really, only once breifly, since our sons death. He was the one to find James dead and I think it's time we talked. I appreciate this site to vent with others who understand the pain associated with losing a child.  I have lost people close to me, including my best friend who was brutally murdered by her husband in 1996. I have to say losing one's child is just something one's mind just is not meant to process. I don't know that I will ever accept it, or move on - these things don't happen when you lose a child.

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