Comment

Comment by Sophia on October 17, 2012 at 4:09pm

Stephanie, thank you for recognizing how insensitive it was for my father to say that.  It is, unfortunately, what he believes. I prefer how you described "talking with God and reviewing our lives" (para-phrasing). I also believe what you said about remaining in this life after losing a child leaves us feeling like much our purpose in life is gone. This is exactly how I feel! I do have 2 other children and they are the main reason for my sanity. Knowing they too are suffering & grieving the loss of their older brother forces me to stay strong. You are also right about remaining in this life to help others. There are so many people who need help & there is so much we can do to help fill the void of our deceased children. We will always feel this void but we can & should try to do what we can to help others in need. It always feels good to help someone who needs it. Volunteering at a hospital or homeless shelter, especially around the holidays. It is such a difficult time for us as well as those in either of those places.

I also completely relate to what Pat & Vicki are saying about family and friends avoiding you. A friend of mine told me recently that she would've come with me to arrange Jimmy's funeral if I would've asked her. She told me this when I was expressing that I arranged his service, etc by myself and I regret not burying some of Jimmy's ashes and giving him a grave stone since I learned from his girlfriend, months later, that is what he would've wanted. His girlfriend & I were in such shock at the time of his death, we didn't even talk about it. Either way, I couldn't believe she expected me to be in the frame of mind to ASK HER, she could've asked me. My Aunt tells me all the time how she misses her grown son's who live out of town and I think "my God, she certainly doesn't miss them as I miss Jimmy" - they are still alive! No-one calls anymore and my favorite is "whats wrong". REALLY!? WHATS WRONG?!!! are they serious? I usually say "nothing", but I will give certain friends and/or family a sideways look, as if to say "you insensitive fool"! Without actually saying it. I am dreading the holidays because I do not want to have to pretend. I will be strong for the kids but I'll probably spend some time alone in a room just crying and thinking about my dear Jimmy. I just pray he's at peace.

Boy oh boy am I writing alot here! Thanks to any of you who read all of this. I am so, so appreciative of this site. I can only hope I can help anyone of you too - just by reading and writing here. Thanks to all of you.

Sincerley, Sophia

Comment by Karen R. on October 17, 2012 at 3:56pm

Hey Pat, unfortunately you are not alone, that's for sure. He who feels it, knows it. Its like everything reminds me of him, its like I'm always seeking signs that will connect me to him. Like, I'll see a license plate number and it will have my son's age or birth year or day, I'll notice it on signs or addresses of buildings, a movie ticket and so many other things. I'll see the the numbers related to "passing away" date. Sometimes it makes me feel crazy. I find myself comparing the numbers of his birth date to the numbers of his passing away date. It's like I am looking for clues in the dates to see if it secretly revealed to. His bday is 2/19/88, 2+19=21: the age he passed away. The year 1988= 8+8= 16: he passed away on the 16th or 19= 1+9= 10- he passed away in the 10th month(Oct). I try to tell myself I should have made sure he was up under me that day. Just crazy stuff like that.

Comment by Grace on October 17, 2012 at 6:00am

thanks Stephanie for your kind words..... my faith is less than the mustard seed.... I just can't understand why God seems to have forsaken me...  with the family, my first husband died, and my son, What have I done to be tortured?   Dick, I think you have Depression... who wouldn't understand ,,,, the life you had prepared for has changed...and you feel short changed.  I feel that too sometimes.  PEACE

Comment by Stephanie on October 17, 2012 at 5:53am

Dick, sometimes I think that even though so much of our purpose has been taken away from us, we are of value if we think of all of G-d's creations that still need help ...  orphans, special needs children, poor people, lonely people, animals in distress...  think of how many could benefit just from that little bit of love we still have the opportunity to give while here on this earth. think of the puppy mills... those horrible places, a little doggy who might just be waiting for someone like you to come and fetch them, to help them heal, and to love them... x x x

Comment by Stephanie on October 17, 2012 at 5:50am

Sophia, i was so sad to hear that you had to hear such words from your father, that your son is in purgatory, waiting to be accepted into heaven. (and that you had to grow up hearing such fearful things).  I do think most religions believe there is a short time of "talking with G-d, where we may look at our life and what we did with it, and what we might regret", and then are at a more peaceful and restful state, but for some reason, I cannot believe at all that your son was in ANY purgatory. Our children, whom G-d called at such a young age, didn't even reach their mature years, in which they could truly make mature decisions, therefore even MORE SO they went to a completely peaceful place immediately. Lots of love, Steph xxx 

Comment by Stephanie on October 17, 2012 at 5:50am

Sophia, i was so sad to hear that you had to hear such words from your father, that your son is in purgatory, waiting to be accepted into heaven. (and that you had to grow up hearing such fearful things).  I do think most religions believe there is a short time of "talking with G-d, where we may look at our life and what we did with it, and what we might regret", and then are at a more peaceful and restful state, but for some reason, I cannot believe at all that your son was in ANY purgatory. Our children, whom G-d called at such a young age, didn't even reach their mature years, in which they could truly make mature decisions, therefore even MORE SO they went to a completely peaceful place immediately. Lots of love, Steph xxx 

Comment by Stephanie on October 17, 2012 at 5:45am

Grace, I am so sorry to hear such an awful thing was said to you by your mother, that is really beyond hurtful. And coming from the one u need to turn to most.  Was it perhaps said in her stubborn "old age", not realising the impact of her words?  As for our faith, it is tested to the LIMIT with losing our children. We are angry at G-d, or may reject Him, but yet He puts us in an interesting situation... deep down we know our children are with him, and all we have left for those of our kids who have passed on, is the knowledge and belief that we will be reunited again.  Maybe it's a kind of "quietness" that has set in on us, maybe we don't feel like actively praying or taking part in our religious customs, maybe we are just fragile, very very fragile. It's been 4 and a half years for me. I'm okay, i carry on, for my husband and other 3 children. But the fragility inside is still there, OH SO MUCH still there.

Comment by Dick on October 17, 2012 at 12:21am

I guess I am sleeping until the end and it doesn't matter any longer. I no longer have purpose.

Comment by Dick on October 17, 2012 at 12:17am

I have friends and family that try to talk me into activities, at first they were OK; but now boring.

Comment by Dick on October 17, 2012 at 12:15am

I just go to work during the week, fix thing that is needed on the weekend, and sleep the rest of the time. Sleep is my respite.

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