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Comment by Dick on October 21, 2012 at 12:02pm

I guess I am lucky in that respect that my marriage is OK considering events, and we both are depressed over the matter. Maybe me the most or she has a different way of dealing with it. I do notice that she does the minimal to keep the home going, preferring to sleep or read in bed. I guess we are both in holding patterns.

I had a meeting with a religious counsler on Friday and he confided that his brother died in his 20's of AIDs complications. He told me he felt like a ghost for years afterwards, similar to my condition. All he could say is it will pass, no timetable.

Comment by Grace on October 21, 2012 at 11:32am

My marriage has been a roller coaster ride since Niles died.   But then aain I think the issues were there even before he died.... Out love life has been non existent for years... In fact I call my self a
NoMo Sexual.... I don't have sex no more.... and then I felt even more emotiona distance since Niles died... and I thought gee does anyone not care if I am unhappy?  I felt that my other kids and my husband were separate from me.... My husband always seemed to take thier side.... and I was not feeling any closeness.... I even left our home for a week.. and it seemed no one came looking for me or cared.   We are still together and live like friends... sleep in the same bed.... but sit No-Mo Sexuals....Even though we have tried marriae counseling.. and talkin.. it just seems like we are in this holding (Or maybe not holding) pattern.

Maybe since Niles died I am reviewing all my relationships and find emptyness....  And especially my Mother and siblings.... I just feel so let down by these other people who I guess I expected More from.... are we all just disappointed because we have expected MORE from these people... maybe we always had the misconception that they were our (ROCK) Or emotional support... that would be able to prop us up through this pain and feel that they have abandoned us in our most desperate time of need and vulnerability?  Or have we all just had higher expectations that we were more valuable to these people... and we were really not....  Maybe it is our own expectations that have cursed us?  All I know is that I feel very alone with myself when I really wish I had more to lean on.  I am not the strong person others seem to think I am... yet I know I wear this mask now because I don't think anyone cares anymore.... it has been more than 3 years and they expect me to be the masked person I present to them.... it is more comfortable for them to see me as Fine.

 

Comment by Lorraine on October 21, 2012 at 10:46am

so sorry about your marriage Karen; I think this loss makes us realize just how fragile we all are in some ways, and so vulnerable. We need to be able to grieve in our own ways, and when two people live together, and love each other, but grieve so differently it has to be challenging.  I was in a relationship, or so I thought, when my son was sick with cancer, he was going online to meet other women... not there to hold me up when Silas died, my girls ended up with that horrific job.  I guess it was good in the sense that why would I want to be with someone who cannot be emotionally available in any way. That said, I am sure we push many away with the intensity of our feelings.  Dick, I am glad your wife goes with you, sometimes there are no words, but at least you are in this together.

Comment by Michelle W on October 21, 2012 at 3:28am

Dick,
Well that is nice she will go with you... My husband will not go up to the site since I put the marker in.., he said it is too final.,,,I love going to be with my son wish he could talk back to me . Sure do miss him,,

Comment by Dick on October 21, 2012 at 3:10am

Sat at the gravesite for an hour today just thinking. My wife was with me no talking. 

Comment by Karen R. on October 20, 2012 at 10:56pm

Hey Lorraine, nice yo hear from you, you are not kidding about this not being a easy life.

My grief and my mourning has cost me my marriage. I really pushed him away. He just wanted me to stop... referring to my sadness. He just didn't get it. He claims he did but he really didn't . He is not my son's biological father, now I feel like I'm grieving for him.

Comment by Lorraine on October 20, 2012 at 9:20pm

missing my Sy guy. I don't come here often as I guess I just try to stay super busy which isn't difficult with the fund I started in Sy's memory; I know I also isolate myself when not at work. I try to work out to keep some physical strength up as people were asking me if I needed help getting groceries into the car last winter... but going to the gym even feels unbearable many nights so I go home to recumbent bike.  I know that there are no easy answers, some days it feels like there are no answers at all.  Just want friends here to know that I am thinking of all of you everyday~ this is not an easy life, that's for sure

Comment by Sophia on October 20, 2012 at 7:03pm

I have had many periods of regret & guilt, still do.  So many what ifs & should've / could've's - it is difficult to know if these feelings are warrented & real or imagined.  I try to remind myself that Jimmy wouldn't want me to feel sad, guilty or regretful. He wants me to carry on & be strong for his little sister & brother as well as for myself.  This is easier said than done.  As Vicki said; we're trying to adjust to our changed selves without our deceased children. Just as there is no instruction manual which come with our children when they're born, there are most certainly no instructions or guidlines as to how to continue life when a child dies.  Everyone must take their own journey through the myriad of emotions we experience.

We can only do the best we can at any given moment. I tell myself - to honor my sons memory - I must carry on, remain strong and keep his memory alive. There are bad days, very bad days & better days.  I don't feel guilty for smiling or laughing as I did for many months after his death. If I see or hear something that Jimmy liked I make a point of soaking it in and appreciating it deeply.  If I see or hear something I know he would've liked if he had the opportunity to experience it, I soak it in and appreciate it for him. I think about him and even will say out loud "Jimmy can you hear this / see this". I think he is with me in spirit enjoying it with me for my benefit. He isn't concerned with our worldly stuff anymore. But he knows how badly I miss him so he visits periodically - at least I hope he does.

It is so hard for all of us. I don't know if he's with me in spirit but I sincerely hope he is.  I do know he wouldn't want me to be miserable all the time. This is my life now & it is my absolute worst nightmare turned reality. Who knows how much longer any of us have - sorry to be cliche - I just try my hardest to do the best I can, thats all I can do.

Sophia

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on October 20, 2012 at 2:17am

Lashed out at my husband tonight. Can't cope with even the small things. Used to be I could handle everything and work long days. Kept an immaculate house and ran a business. Now I wonder why any of that is important enough to care.

Comment by Dick on October 19, 2012 at 9:30pm

I always feel guilty and regretful.

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