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Comment by Rosie Fletcher on October 22, 2012 at 5:28pm

It's 19 months for me.  I've been working on the t-shirt quilt.  Using his t-shirts, jeans and even some of his boxers.  It was very difficult to sort through his stuff.  I cried a lot.  When the class started, I was worried I'd lose it and not be able to stay in the class.  But I made it through the two days.  I now have the top portion of the quilt done and need to do the batting and the back of the quilt.  I am so looking forward to wrapping myself in it on those days that I feel complete utter sadness.  The bleakness is so heavy sometimes.  There is not an hour that goes by that he doesn't come into my mind.  Snapshots of his face forever engraved in my brain and heart.  God only knows just how much I miss him and I like all of you, plug along doing what we need to do to get by each day.  But our lives are forever changed.  Sending my hugs to all of you.

Comment by Sherry Ray on October 22, 2012 at 3:41pm

It's been 5 months today and sometimes I don't think I can do one more day. This pain is so deep and I feel so alone. I need lots of prayers.  

Comment by anna l. on October 22, 2012 at 2:09pm

Sophia, You need some hugs!!  My belief is that once our loved ones are passed on they understand all.  Your son knows you did the best you could at the time and there is no way he would feel anything but love and pride in you for getting through such a tough time.  If now you want to bury his ashes that is fine too.  We do what we think is right at the time and they dont give us much time to think about it and we sure as heck dont think ahead of time what we would do if our child died!  So we make decisions while in a fog of hurt.  Please let go of the feelings you let your son down.  You did not.  You did what you needed to do for you.  He loved you enough to understand that.  I didnt have to do anything when my son died.  His father and brothers did it all.  Then a year later his dad died and I got a first hand look at how hard it must have been and I wish I could go back and help when my son died.  I dont know how my husband and other sons did it and stayed sane.  My sons wife still has his ashes even though I really want him to be buried so we all have access to a place where we can go and "visit" him.  She still needs him close to her.  I was angry at first and now I understand it because I still have my husbands ashes!  We do what we do and that is ok.  Try to be gentle with yourself. 

Comment by Sophia on October 22, 2012 at 11:45am

I am seeing things - life - in an entirely different way. I want to say clearly but I don't know if things are more clear or just different. I do see how self involved people are. I feel very alone in all of this, no-one understands (except all of you & others who've lost a child). My life is turned & twisted all around and up-side-down. It is fast approaching 1 year since Jimmy died. My living son will be turning 20yrs 11/3. He talked to Jimmy with-in the hour that he passed and that was on 11/13/11. My living son has to carry this for the remainder of his life now. Being the last person to talk to Jimmy, just 10 days after his birthday. I know he is depressed about his birthday now as well as about his brother - it isn't a happy, celebratory time any longer. Then the holidays come & we have to put on a happy face for the young ones when I just want to hide away untill the new year! We carry on because we have to and mostly, for me, because I know Jimmy would've wanted me to. Jimmy loved his little sister so, so much. He & his brother were close, yet different in many ways, they loved each other very much. Jimmy was a father figure to his little sister & tried so hard to be & was a great big brother / father figure to her. He was protective of me and I miss that. He & I were a team. I had him young, he was my constant companion - he was always there, I took it for granted. I always thought he'd bury me. He would've been the one taking care of me when I got too old to care for myself. Now I don't know, I can't even imaging the rest of my life without Jimmy. Yes I have 2 other children and they are the entire reason i am anywhere near sane at this point. Thank you for this site, thank you for any input and mostly thank you for listening.

Comment by Sophia on October 22, 2012 at 11:20am

I made a mistake by not burying my son Jimmy. I was in shock and couldn't bare the thought of placing him in the ground. I went alone to the funeral home to make the arrangements and all I could think was that I couldn't put him in the ground - it was a form of denial I believe now.  Months later, his girlfriend and I  discussed what Jimmy would've wanted and He would've wanted to be buried. I feel so badly, like I've let him down. I do feel some comfort from having his cremains nearby - they are in a beautiful engraved wooden box - but it isn't what Jimmy wanted.  I plan to have part of his cremains buried in our family plot sometime, fairly soon. Which is what I should've done immediately. It is horrible to think of this, to write this & to live this.

Comment by Stephanie on October 21, 2012 at 10:23pm

I lost my dad in July this year, and my sister to Cancer last month. Of course my baby girl is with them. As dawn breaks here, I am looking at the lights glistening over the city, all is quiet, just the birds beginning to chirp.  Somehow I feel at peace. With everything. It's just for this moment, but it's a warm and peaceful moment...

Comment by Dick on October 21, 2012 at 6:21pm

Interestingly, we have a family plot where my grandmother, uncle, father, place for mom and my son are all buried. We still have two sites next to Danny, for myself and my wife. My oldest son said not to worry about him, he has his own family now and may end up anywhere. OK.

I also sit on the ground and rest on a oak tree, just set and wonder what could have been. Talk to my whole family and ask Dad to watch  out for Danny.

I did not take Dad's passing in 2009 as poorly. I miss him, but it was the natural cycle of life. But a son passing before his father, unnatural. This is one of the reasons I am taking Danny's passing poorly.   

Comment by Karen R. on October 21, 2012 at 5:48pm

Thanks Lorraine. I feel so betrayed by husband, he thinks he's helping me by giving me my space but instead I feel abandoned.

Dick, I think that's good, even if there was only silence.

I still go to my son's final resting place often. At my last visit, I was sitting on the ground, sobbing and feeling like I could not even stand up. I had been there by myself it seemed for a while, which is how I like it and at some point, 3 women came to visit their loved one. Suddenly, I felt a sincere touch on my shoulder and they all knelt down beside me. Each of them gave me the warmest hugs. They shared with me that they visiting their nephew who had passed away from cancer at age 29. They asked if they could say a prayer for my son and I. I said ok, even though my faith I once had has dwindled, I did appreciate that they asked first. They told me that they only experience peace now at his final resting place. She said they feel comforted when they go there. They said that they rejoice knowing that he doesn't have to deal with the turmoils of this world, they said he has no worries and they are happy for him. I thought to myself, wow, will I ever feel that way. I told them that all I think of is my son is NOT at peace, I the he's angry that his life was snatched away at only 21yrs old. I need him to assure me that he is "ok".

Comment by Grace on October 21, 2012 at 4:50pm

Dick, I haven't had any burnin bushes either.... and feel that I have even been abandoned by God....  I am oin day to day ok... but I have less faith in od and especially people.

Comment by Dick on October 21, 2012 at 12:05pm

Interesting, at church today the minister came to me and said we need to talk. I wonder what he is interested in?

I have told him before that no burning bushes, thundering voices or angel visitations have taken place; yet.

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