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Comment by anna l. on October 22, 2012 at 2:09pm

Sophia, You need some hugs!!  My belief is that once our loved ones are passed on they understand all.  Your son knows you did the best you could at the time and there is no way he would feel anything but love and pride in you for getting through such a tough time.  If now you want to bury his ashes that is fine too.  We do what we think is right at the time and they dont give us much time to think about it and we sure as heck dont think ahead of time what we would do if our child died!  So we make decisions while in a fog of hurt.  Please let go of the feelings you let your son down.  You did not.  You did what you needed to do for you.  He loved you enough to understand that.  I didnt have to do anything when my son died.  His father and brothers did it all.  Then a year later his dad died and I got a first hand look at how hard it must have been and I wish I could go back and help when my son died.  I dont know how my husband and other sons did it and stayed sane.  My sons wife still has his ashes even though I really want him to be buried so we all have access to a place where we can go and "visit" him.  She still needs him close to her.  I was angry at first and now I understand it because I still have my husbands ashes!  We do what we do and that is ok.  Try to be gentle with yourself. 

Comment by Sophia on October 22, 2012 at 11:45am

I am seeing things - life - in an entirely different way. I want to say clearly but I don't know if things are more clear or just different. I do see how self involved people are. I feel very alone in all of this, no-one understands (except all of you & others who've lost a child). My life is turned & twisted all around and up-side-down. It is fast approaching 1 year since Jimmy died. My living son will be turning 20yrs 11/3. He talked to Jimmy with-in the hour that he passed and that was on 11/13/11. My living son has to carry this for the remainder of his life now. Being the last person to talk to Jimmy, just 10 days after his birthday. I know he is depressed about his birthday now as well as about his brother - it isn't a happy, celebratory time any longer. Then the holidays come & we have to put on a happy face for the young ones when I just want to hide away untill the new year! We carry on because we have to and mostly, for me, because I know Jimmy would've wanted me to. Jimmy loved his little sister so, so much. He & his brother were close, yet different in many ways, they loved each other very much. Jimmy was a father figure to his little sister & tried so hard to be & was a great big brother / father figure to her. He was protective of me and I miss that. He & I were a team. I had him young, he was my constant companion - he was always there, I took it for granted. I always thought he'd bury me. He would've been the one taking care of me when I got too old to care for myself. Now I don't know, I can't even imaging the rest of my life without Jimmy. Yes I have 2 other children and they are the entire reason i am anywhere near sane at this point. Thank you for this site, thank you for any input and mostly thank you for listening.

Comment by Sophia on October 22, 2012 at 11:20am

I made a mistake by not burying my son Jimmy. I was in shock and couldn't bare the thought of placing him in the ground. I went alone to the funeral home to make the arrangements and all I could think was that I couldn't put him in the ground - it was a form of denial I believe now.  Months later, his girlfriend and I  discussed what Jimmy would've wanted and He would've wanted to be buried. I feel so badly, like I've let him down. I do feel some comfort from having his cremains nearby - they are in a beautiful engraved wooden box - but it isn't what Jimmy wanted.  I plan to have part of his cremains buried in our family plot sometime, fairly soon. Which is what I should've done immediately. It is horrible to think of this, to write this & to live this.

Comment by Stephanie on October 21, 2012 at 10:23pm

I lost my dad in July this year, and my sister to Cancer last month. Of course my baby girl is with them. As dawn breaks here, I am looking at the lights glistening over the city, all is quiet, just the birds beginning to chirp.  Somehow I feel at peace. With everything. It's just for this moment, but it's a warm and peaceful moment...

Comment by Dick on October 21, 2012 at 6:21pm

Interestingly, we have a family plot where my grandmother, uncle, father, place for mom and my son are all buried. We still have two sites next to Danny, for myself and my wife. My oldest son said not to worry about him, he has his own family now and may end up anywhere. OK.

I also sit on the ground and rest on a oak tree, just set and wonder what could have been. Talk to my whole family and ask Dad to watch  out for Danny.

I did not take Dad's passing in 2009 as poorly. I miss him, but it was the natural cycle of life. But a son passing before his father, unnatural. This is one of the reasons I am taking Danny's passing poorly.   

Comment by Karen R. on October 21, 2012 at 5:48pm

Thanks Lorraine. I feel so betrayed by husband, he thinks he's helping me by giving me my space but instead I feel abandoned.

Dick, I think that's good, even if there was only silence.

I still go to my son's final resting place often. At my last visit, I was sitting on the ground, sobbing and feeling like I could not even stand up. I had been there by myself it seemed for a while, which is how I like it and at some point, 3 women came to visit their loved one. Suddenly, I felt a sincere touch on my shoulder and they all knelt down beside me. Each of them gave me the warmest hugs. They shared with me that they visiting their nephew who had passed away from cancer at age 29. They asked if they could say a prayer for my son and I. I said ok, even though my faith I once had has dwindled, I did appreciate that they asked first. They told me that they only experience peace now at his final resting place. She said they feel comforted when they go there. They said that they rejoice knowing that he doesn't have to deal with the turmoils of this world, they said he has no worries and they are happy for him. I thought to myself, wow, will I ever feel that way. I told them that all I think of is my son is NOT at peace, I the he's angry that his life was snatched away at only 21yrs old. I need him to assure me that he is "ok".

Comment by Grace on October 21, 2012 at 4:50pm

Dick, I haven't had any burnin bushes either.... and feel that I have even been abandoned by God....  I am oin day to day ok... but I have less faith in od and especially people.

Comment by Dick on October 21, 2012 at 12:05pm

Interesting, at church today the minister came to me and said we need to talk. I wonder what he is interested in?

I have told him before that no burning bushes, thundering voices or angel visitations have taken place; yet.

Comment by Dick on October 21, 2012 at 12:02pm

I guess I am lucky in that respect that my marriage is OK considering events, and we both are depressed over the matter. Maybe me the most or she has a different way of dealing with it. I do notice that she does the minimal to keep the home going, preferring to sleep or read in bed. I guess we are both in holding patterns.

I had a meeting with a religious counsler on Friday and he confided that his brother died in his 20's of AIDs complications. He told me he felt like a ghost for years afterwards, similar to my condition. All he could say is it will pass, no timetable.

Comment by Grace on October 21, 2012 at 11:32am

My marriage has been a roller coaster ride since Niles died.   But then aain I think the issues were there even before he died.... Out love life has been non existent for years... In fact I call my self a
NoMo Sexual.... I don't have sex no more.... and then I felt even more emotiona distance since Niles died... and I thought gee does anyone not care if I am unhappy?  I felt that my other kids and my husband were separate from me.... My husband always seemed to take thier side.... and I was not feeling any closeness.... I even left our home for a week.. and it seemed no one came looking for me or cared.   We are still together and live like friends... sleep in the same bed.... but sit No-Mo Sexuals....Even though we have tried marriae counseling.. and talkin.. it just seems like we are in this holding (Or maybe not holding) pattern.

Maybe since Niles died I am reviewing all my relationships and find emptyness....  And especially my Mother and siblings.... I just feel so let down by these other people who I guess I expected More from.... are we all just disappointed because we have expected MORE from these people... maybe we always had the misconception that they were our (ROCK) Or emotional support... that would be able to prop us up through this pain and feel that they have abandoned us in our most desperate time of need and vulnerability?  Or have we all just had higher expectations that we were more valuable to these people... and we were really not....  Maybe it is our own expectations that have cursed us?  All I know is that I feel very alone with myself when I really wish I had more to lean on.  I am not the strong person others seem to think I am... yet I know I wear this mask now because I don't think anyone cares anymore.... it has been more than 3 years and they expect me to be the masked person I present to them.... it is more comfortable for them to see me as Fine.

 

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