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Comment by Lorraine on October 31, 2012 at 5:52pm

wow, I thought I was doing a good job with putting on my "game face" for my daughter's bestie who brought her kids over trick or treating. I quickly hung a jack-o-lantern flag on the front door, lit a couple of halloween candles, and filled bags with goodies.  Then they came in, spiderman who is three & his sister, 7, who was in a devil costume. When they were leaving, I said give me hugs, and called my little devil a witch. Not a big deal, but made me feel so bad that I couldn't keep it together for 5 minutes... shit. This just isn't easy. Good thing I only have two more trick or treaters coming, and they are 2 and 8 months...

Comment by Grace on October 31, 2012 at 5:36am

I was needing a clipper to cut a rough fingernail.... and a vision of Niles popped into my brain.... his sweet face.... his sweet little face.... and blue eyes... I remember how he hated me cutting his nails.... for days now everytime I feel one of my own nails to see if they are smooth.. his face just pops into my brain...  a sweet memory...  yet then my brain flashes the reality that he is gone.... and disbelief is the emotion that rips through me...like it just happened yesterday not 3 1/2 years ago.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on October 31, 2012 at 1:13am

Good to hear from you Robin.
Prayers for us all.
Another holiday of remembrance tomorrow.
Wishing so badly to have one of those Halloween's back.

Comment by Robin Jone on October 29, 2012 at 10:00pm

Michelle, thanks so much, it always helps when I get on here and you all understand exactly where I am coming from. Lorraine, I couldn't have said it better myself, every word is so very true. I feel like my outside is a mask, I go through the motions of the day, but I am forever changed. I will never be the same again. Nor will my husband or my other children, or grandchildren. All of us on here are forever changed. I miss Zach every single day and would do anything to have him back.Hugs to all.

Comment by Sophia on October 29, 2012 at 7:27pm

I do wish people, close to me, would not judge me so harshly. I have been sad, anxious & at times very short & rude with people I've known for nearly my entire life. I don't want to be - God knows I wish I didn't feel this way- I don't want to be mourning the death of my oldest child. I am though & yet I get grief for acting out of sorts!?! I'm trying my best to get through this!

Comment by Lorraine on October 29, 2012 at 6:47pm

I think I can safely say this relates to dads too.  "Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity." ~Author Unknown

Comment by Michelle W on October 29, 2012 at 3:00am

Robin,
Its good to hear from you I know about the anxiety.. It's 11 months and I have gotten that I can't sleep again.,, my daughter also moved out a month ago so yes there is no more busy time..I understand everything you are saying people are uncomfortable when I mention my sons name including my husband and daughter but I still feel like he should be spoken of all the time .. It was not his fault he was in an accident.... And I always talked about my son that I was so proud of,,, why would I stop,,, it does hurt sometimes because I do that spiral thing I call it., but I really do miss him and hearing about him.,,,hugs it was great to hear from you

Comment by Robin Jone on October 28, 2012 at 10:34pm

I have missed being on here. It is coming up on 14 months since my son's Zach's accident. I thought by now I would truly be accepting it but I still find myself trying to keep going so I don't have to stop and face it. Since my daughter and granddaughters moved I have started feeling very anxious again all the time. I think before I had them here to keep me busy now its like starting all over again. My heart goes out to all the new parents who are on here, I wish that no one would ever have to endure the pain that we have to experience. I too feel like people think I should have moved on now. Even talking to my sister tonight, explaining to her how my anxieties have returned, I don't feel like she understands though she said she does. She couldn't truly understand. I sometimes feel like it makes people uncomfortable when I bring up Zach's name, but I don't care I will continue to talk about him and remember him. I just wish so badly that I could set the clock back in time, I want him back. Prayers and hugs for all. Robin

Comment by Sophia on October 26, 2012 at 10:29am

Hello to all of you. I've read your recent posts and I feel and agree with all of you. I've lost people close to me before and nothing compares to losing a child. It turns your whole life up side down and twisted round and round, I'm free falling in life right now.

I've been staying with friends for the past 5 months and the agreement always was for me to find my footing and move out in early spring. Now my friend is very upset with me about, honestly, quite trivial things and told me I have to be out by January 1st. I don't know if that's anger talking or if she is really putting this extreme pressure on me right now. I have been unemployed for a year, I worked part time through the summer and am looking for a job in my field with plans to find my own place in spring. I need more support now than ever and I feel so betrayed and alone. It will be just 1 year since Jimmy's death 11/13 and then the holidays come. I am doing everything I can to find a job and move out but to throw this at me just at the very time I need support and understanding the most! I have to worry about having a roof over my head too!!

By the way, my friend somehow read a post I posted on this site referencing her and our disagreement (my personal feelings meant to be read by you all) and she tells her husband who told me. This is creepy to me, I feel invaded, betrayed by the one person I thought had my back. She's said on different occasions that I had time, I'm not bothering her by being here, she understands. Now she is kicking me out because I've let her down, didn't do this or that, etc. I'm just dumb founded - why would she read my personal postings on this one site I am 'allowed' to vent my feelings with others who really, truly understand. It's an invasion and I'm so on edge upon my dealing with the 1 year mark and the holidays. It seems so unfair!

Thanks for listening to me, everyone try to have the best day possible. That's all we can do!

Comment by Brenda Ann on October 26, 2012 at 6:40am

I agree with Vicki - Empathy is the capacity to recognize feelings that are being experienced by another being. Someone may need to have a certain amount of empathy before they are able to feel compassion. The problem is that we truly cannot know another person's pain - the pain we feel is what we have felt in our own lives. I had had losses in my life, but when I lost my daughter I learned what pain really was. I was moved to go apologize to every one who had similarly lost a child because I thought I "knew" their pain but wasn't even close. I felt that I had only superficially supported them - I just had no clue the depth of pain. That is when I learned that the sayings "heavy heart" or "pain of heart" or "heartbreak" were not just figurative. You feel each of those physically. I could feel the weight of my own heart in my chest - the pain was coming from my heart and actually hurt - I felt much like the psalmist, “Why are you in despair, O my soul, and why are you boisterous within me? Wait for God, for I shall yet laud him as the grand salvation of my person and as my God.” (Psalm 42:11) God is the only one who can "bring" our children back to us.

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