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Comment by Crystal M. Czar on November 1, 2012 at 12:16am

I just returned home from a trip out of state, it was nice to see family.  When i checked my email, i had an email alert that a new entry was added on my son's guestbook, its nice to know 7 1/2 years later my son is still remembered.  One of my biggest fears was that son would be forgotten.

Comment by Karen R. on October 31, 2012 at 10:53pm

Lorraine, what you posted on Monday really speaks to my heart. I am just getting on this site after losing power due to the east coast hurricane, still have no electricity, we just got a generator after searching many stores, so I was anxious to check in with all of my friends here. I hope all are safe.

Comment by Lorraine on October 31, 2012 at 5:52pm

wow, I thought I was doing a good job with putting on my "game face" for my daughter's bestie who brought her kids over trick or treating. I quickly hung a jack-o-lantern flag on the front door, lit a couple of halloween candles, and filled bags with goodies.  Then they came in, spiderman who is three & his sister, 7, who was in a devil costume. When they were leaving, I said give me hugs, and called my little devil a witch. Not a big deal, but made me feel so bad that I couldn't keep it together for 5 minutes... shit. This just isn't easy. Good thing I only have two more trick or treaters coming, and they are 2 and 8 months...

Comment by Grace on October 31, 2012 at 5:36am

I was needing a clipper to cut a rough fingernail.... and a vision of Niles popped into my brain.... his sweet face.... his sweet little face.... and blue eyes... I remember how he hated me cutting his nails.... for days now everytime I feel one of my own nails to see if they are smooth.. his face just pops into my brain...  a sweet memory...  yet then my brain flashes the reality that he is gone.... and disbelief is the emotion that rips through me...like it just happened yesterday not 3 1/2 years ago.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on October 31, 2012 at 1:13am

Good to hear from you Robin.
Prayers for us all.
Another holiday of remembrance tomorrow.
Wishing so badly to have one of those Halloween's back.

Comment by Robin Jone on October 29, 2012 at 10:00pm

Michelle, thanks so much, it always helps when I get on here and you all understand exactly where I am coming from. Lorraine, I couldn't have said it better myself, every word is so very true. I feel like my outside is a mask, I go through the motions of the day, but I am forever changed. I will never be the same again. Nor will my husband or my other children, or grandchildren. All of us on here are forever changed. I miss Zach every single day and would do anything to have him back.Hugs to all.

Comment by Sophia on October 29, 2012 at 7:27pm

I do wish people, close to me, would not judge me so harshly. I have been sad, anxious & at times very short & rude with people I've known for nearly my entire life. I don't want to be - God knows I wish I didn't feel this way- I don't want to be mourning the death of my oldest child. I am though & yet I get grief for acting out of sorts!?! I'm trying my best to get through this!

Comment by Lorraine on October 29, 2012 at 6:47pm

I think I can safely say this relates to dads too.  "Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity." ~Author Unknown

Comment by Michelle W on October 29, 2012 at 3:00am

Robin,
Its good to hear from you I know about the anxiety.. It's 11 months and I have gotten that I can't sleep again.,, my daughter also moved out a month ago so yes there is no more busy time..I understand everything you are saying people are uncomfortable when I mention my sons name including my husband and daughter but I still feel like he should be spoken of all the time .. It was not his fault he was in an accident.... And I always talked about my son that I was so proud of,,, why would I stop,,, it does hurt sometimes because I do that spiral thing I call it., but I really do miss him and hearing about him.,,,hugs it was great to hear from you

Comment by Robin Jone on October 28, 2012 at 10:34pm

I have missed being on here. It is coming up on 14 months since my son's Zach's accident. I thought by now I would truly be accepting it but I still find myself trying to keep going so I don't have to stop and face it. Since my daughter and granddaughters moved I have started feeling very anxious again all the time. I think before I had them here to keep me busy now its like starting all over again. My heart goes out to all the new parents who are on here, I wish that no one would ever have to endure the pain that we have to experience. I too feel like people think I should have moved on now. Even talking to my sister tonight, explaining to her how my anxieties have returned, I don't feel like she understands though she said she does. She couldn't truly understand. I sometimes feel like it makes people uncomfortable when I bring up Zach's name, but I don't care I will continue to talk about him and remember him. I just wish so badly that I could set the clock back in time, I want him back. Prayers and hugs for all. Robin

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